Schmitty

Schmitty is 3 months old now. He's a pretty good cat. He's a little crazy though. I suppose he fits right in here. Yesterday I took part in the following conversation...

Emma, "Kaylie, I think I know why Schmitty threw up today."
Kaylie, "Yeah, because we spun him around in a laundry basket."
Me, "You what?"
Kaylie, "Well, it wasn't for very long!"
Me, "Uh, long enough to make the poor cat sick!"
Kaylie, "No, really, it wasn't for very long. I mean, he couldn't walk well but it wasn't for long."
Me, "No more of that!"

Last night the poor cat threw up again. This time though no one had spun him in a basket. In fact it was his own fault. I mean, really, what cat eats butter and boiled potatoes? This one sure does. It'd be easy to see him doing that if he had ever been feral but we got him at 5 weeks old from his mama who was kept inside. He has no reason to scavange. Still, he eats just about anything. I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of his weak stomach given the fact that there are so many little people here who can't seem to keep food on their plates.

It's funny how quickly an animal becomes family like Schmitty has. He loves to play with the kids and the dog and he loves so much to bug our big cat, Captain Hook. He's a stinker that's for sure but we've really grown to love his antics. He sure puts up with a lot but he gives out a lot too. He fits right in :)

34 Weeks

I am 34 weeks pregnant now. It doesn't seem possible to me that I am almost done with this pregnancy. I have tried my hardest to enjoy every minute of it and to be happy just to be pregnant again, expecting a little boy who will add so much to our family. I've had a lot of ups and downs throughout the pregnancy that I haven't talked about much because I didn't want to focus on the bad things instead of the good. I fully realize that this very well could be my last pregnancy. I know that I've said it before but I know given my age and my "lady health" that it truly could be my last. I hope not, but that is something that I've given over to the Lord.

Last night I had a scare. I guess really given how far along I am it wasn't a "scare" but more of a wake up call that this is going to happen soon. I know if the baby was born now he'd more than likely be ok but I sure hope he stays put a while longer.

Mike got called out to a drug bust on the east side of Atlanta. Of course being west of Atlanta this was quite the trek for him. I had started having contractions yesterday somewhere between 4pm and 5pm that were pretty consistent. I made supper and tried my hardest to ignore them. By about 7 pm they were getting harder and closer together but still not enough to go the hospital. About that time Mike got a call that he had to go. He insisted he eat supper first with us and then headed out the door. I told him that if I called him I didn't care what in the world he was doing but he better answer the phone. I know that most of the time when he's out on a drug bust like that he can't answer the phone but I needed him to know that this time the baby and I trumped any and all drug dealers. I promised I wouldn't call unless I truly thought we needed to head to the hospital.

As the night wore on my contractions weren't letting up. On top of them I also started getting a migraine. I'm pretty sure that the stress of him being gone triggered it. I decided the best way to handle it all was to drink a lot of water and soak in a warm bathtub and put a cool washcloth on my head. Thankfully that seemed to help both problems.

While I was sitting in the bathtub I prayed the rosary. I prayed for our little one. I prayed for Mike's safety. I prayed for our lost babies and my friends who have lost babies. I prayed for my friends who are pregnant and those who have had babies recently. I just prayed. It was comforting.

But while praying I was also worrying. Worrying about how this birth is going to go. Up until this point I haven't put much thought into my birth because all I was focusing on was each day enjoying having my baby growing inside of me yet another day. There have been hard days where I cry for my other babies. There have been good days where I know that God is in control. But in all those days I never thought past that particular day. I just put one foot in front of the other. Last night reminded me of what is to come and that I need to start preparing.

As I sat in the water I suddenly became overwhelmed with the thought of giving birth. The last time I gave birth it was to a baby who was still. I remember so vividly the moment my water broke and I knew that he was not going to make it. I knew that I would never get to see him do all the things I had hoped and planned for him. The sound and the feeling of my water breaking will stay with me forever. Last night, while sitting in the tub, those thoughts and feeling were overwhelming. I started thinking about how in the world I was going to handle that moment during this pregnancy when my water breaks. Because I carry so much extra fluid with each pregnancy I know that moment is going to be big, it always is. But this time there will be something more added on to it.

I've always been scared of birth. I guess my first pregnancy I wasn't because I didn't know what was in store. But for every other pregnancy I have been scared. I know that I am strong enough to get through the pain but I still always worry. This time I am terrified. I want everything to go perfectly. I want my baby to be safe. I want to hear him cry. I want him to be placed on my chest and look into his tiny face and for him to quiet when he hears my voice. Until last night I put those thoughts out of my mind. I didn't want to think about the what ifs. Now, I have to. I'm right there at the pinnacle of this pregnancy. My heart races at the thought of his birth. I can only pray, like I did last night, that God continues to take care of our each and every need and that He will be holding my hand the entire time I am in labor.

I can't wait to see my little boy. I can't wait to kiss him. I can't wait to hold him to me and know that he is mine. It's not much longer now. I'm scared but I am so anxious to have my little one in my arms. I'm hoping that my faith and my love for him will help me through what I know is going to be a difficult and emotional time.

Angry

I'm not sure how to deal with the the feelings that I am suddenly feeling. I know what the stages of grief are and I'm not sure that I am dealing with one stage but perhaps I am. I've been angry in the past regarding all that we've gone through but this is something different. I'm trying to come to terms with it but just can't seem to figure it out.

January 26th was the year anniversary since my mother died of cancer. Unfortunately because of her death we never truly got to come to terms with William's death. I went almost immediately to help take care of her after we buried William. During her dying process we received so many heartfelt condolences and well wishes. I know that the people who gave them to us only mean the best. I appreciated every one of them. At the time, however, I also resented them. You see these were the same people who didn't seem to either care or know what to say to us regarding William's death that they said nothing. It hurt. It was like he wasn't important yet my mother way. Don't get me wrong, she was important but so was my son.

So forward to Thursday, I mentioned on my Facebook wall that it had been a year since my mother had passed. I am thankful for the well wishes but to be honest I posted because of my family who are on my wall. I know that many of them are still hurting so much. They needed the day to be recognized. As sad as it is, I know that my mother's passing has not changed my life at all. In the last year it would have been surprising if we had talked more than once or twice and I'm almost certain we wouldn't have seen each other. It makes me sad but it's just how it is. The strides we were making to perhaps have a better relationship probably wouldn't have changed much. Last year when my mother passed away I was angry at that fact... angry that she let so much time go and lost out on so much with my family. I tried for years and years and finally had accepted that it was just the way it was going to be. I felt terrible for my children as I always hoped they would have a great relationship with their grandparents but in the end it wasn't meant to be. She had little interest in our family and particularly our children.

So on Thursday after I wrote something about my mom passing someone else posted that I could have comfort in knowing that my mom was with my babies, rocking them and holding them. I know it was meant to comfort me. The person who wrote it is one of my best friends. She would never post anything to hurt me and yet it did. The more I thought about it the more upset I got. I got angry. I got angry with my mom and with God. How could He be so unfair as to make it so that my mom, the person who ignored my family for years, who readily admitted that I was right in some family problems that we were having and yet still couldn't stand up for me, who always put me on the back burner my whole life, who was so rude and ugly to me after the loss of Joseph... how could God allow her to be with my babies instead of my babies being safe in my arms? How was that fair?

My mother was not a good grandmother. I remember once telling her something that Kaylie had done and about what a great kid she was. My mother's response was something to the effect of, "She sounds like a good kid". How do you not know she's an amazing kid if you are her grandmother? It just boiled down to the fact that she didn't take the time, nor did she want to, to know her grandchildren. Heck, she didn't know me anymore either. To think of her getting to hold my babies, my sweet babies who I long for each and every day, just about killed me. It's not fair.

I thought I was over being angry. I guess I'm not. I spent the entire night crying in my bed Thursday night. I want to be holding my babies. I don't understand why I didn't deserve to keep them and yet my mother is spending time with them. I didn't think the thought of my mom holding them and rocking them would hurt so much but it does. I'm not sure how to move past this. It's such a new feeling for me. When I looked up the stages of grief it seems like this is not where I should be. I have gone through anger already. I have accepted. I have begun to move forward. I still cry and still miss my babies but it hasn't been like it was on Thursday. Pain I can't describe followed by an anger that I suprised me.

I know that my mother was a good woman. She touched many lives. Many people miss her so much. She was loved and wanted. I wish that things had been different and then maybe I would feel comfort by the thought of my mom sitting in heaven with my children surrounding her, holding her hands and loving on her. Instead I feel hurt. I feel jealous. I feel angry. I don't like feeling that way.

Harmony

Last year, when Garrett made his Confirmation I was one of the chaparones when he went on his retreat prior to his Confirmation. At the end of the retreat we each took a rock and wrote what was holding us back from having the relationship we are wanting with not only God but with each other. Afterward we threw that rock, and whatever was holding us back, into the lake, ridding us of that obstacle. Finally, we reached in a bag and withdrew another rock that was smooth and had a single word engraved into it.

To be honest I don't remember what I wrote on my rock that was holding me back. I guess when I threw it away I truly released it. However, when I pulled my new rock out of the bag I was a little disappointed. Supposedly this would be the area of our lives that we needed to concentrate on and work towards doing better at. When I reached in I pulled out a rock with the word "harmony" engraved on it. I wanted family or love or something of that nature. I remember thinking about why I might have pulled out the word harmony. I thought about my life, about my relationships, not just with my immediate family but with my extended family and with friends. When I really thought about it I knew that harmony was the place I needed the most work.

It used to be that I was the peacemaker in my family and within my circle of friends. Over the last 8-9 years though I become disheartened when people didn't want peace, they wanted to fight, they wanted to believe the worst about people, they wanted to hurt others. I found myself becoming hurt and feeling bad a lot of the time. I made the decision that I was done with that. I was done with people walking on me, taking me for granted, hurting me over and over again and getting away with it. I took it on myself to protect me and my family. I grew a hard shell around my heart. I stopped trying so hard to be the peacemaker.

What I found was that my life had less harmony in it. Those people who were acting so mean and cruel were still mean and cruel. Those people who took advantage of me still tried to do just that. Those people who wanted to hurt others still hurt others. The difference though was now there wasn't someone willing to help bring peace and harmony to all those hurting. On top of that I was still getting hurt and then feeling worse that I didn't do anything to stop the hurting of others.

I didn't tell anyone what I pulled from that bag. I just held onto it and decided to pray about it. When we went to Kansas City in July of last year Kaylie found a jewelry set in my inlaws basement. She asked my mother-in-law if she could have it. My mother-in-law said she could. She brought it to me and said she found something that she wanted me to have. The set had a beautiful jade colored necklace inside with an inspirational rock that said "harmony" on it. She said she didn't know why but when she saw it she thought of me. Talk about being hit over the head with a 2X4!

I told her the story of me pulling out a rock with the word harmony on it and that this seemed to me to be my wake up call that God was indeed telling me that I needed to really work towards harmony once again in all areas of my life.

So why am I thinking of this now? Well, there is some disharmony in my life and it's really bothering me. It has to do with one of my sisters and a very bad choice I believe she is making. I have talked to her about it and have since been "put in my place". It would be one thing if I hadn't been asked for my opinion but I was and so I gave her my truthful answer. It's not that I am against her but I am for peace and unity within her family and I know she won't achieve it through the means she is going about it. I have no idea what to do now. I want harmony. I don't want her to hurt but I also want what's best for her and because I am away from the situation I can see things perhaps she doesn't, or perhaps she doesn't want to see. I am not the only person to give her the advice I have given but I am the one she has cut off.

Harmony is hard to come by. It seems the harder you work for it the harder it is to come by sometimes. It's frustrating. My prayer for today is that I don't have to work towards harmony on my own. That those around me work towards it too, especially those I love.

New Year's Resolutions

I wrote a piece about New Year's Resolutions over at the Catholic Sistas page. This year I'm using reverse psychology on myself. I made up a list of things I'm going to "do" knowing that I always fail at my New Year's goals. That way when I fail I actually win! I'm not sure many who've read it so far have gotten my concept and maybe they think I'm not taking it seriously. But it's meant to be a funny piece on New Years Resolutions and how to ultimately keep them. I'm hoping I'm able to fool myself into truly keeping my goals :)

So, what are your New Years Resolutions?

Tales From the Side of the Tub

Otherwise titled "How I Spent My New Year’s Eve"

After scrubbing my bathtub and cleaning the bathroom yesterday I bent over to pick something off the ground and felt something pop in my back. For weeks now it’s felt like my back might be trying to go out but yesterday it did. I made my way to my bed and layed down. I immediately knew that this was going to impede my New Year’s Eve plans. Not that I had much planned out with Mike, Garrett and Savannah being gone, but sitting on the floor playing a mean game of championship Candyland was now out of the question.

Later, after eating supper I decided to soak in the bathtub for a little while to see if it would ease any of the pain in my back. I went to my room and undressed, got in the tub, turned on the water and started so try to relax. Then Anna decided that she might need to “help” me through my warm water therapy.

Anna, “Mama, do you think taking a bath is relaxing?”
Me, “Yes, sometimes.”
A, “Yeah… except when someone comes in and bugs you, right? Like when Madison or Caroline bug you in the tub. They just talk and bug. Well, Caroline is the whiny one and Madison is the a-nnoy-ing one. Aren’t you glad they are in bed? I think I’m going to keep you company.”
M, “Yes, very glad they are in bed. Thank you for keeping me company.”
A, shrieking a small shriek, “There’s a spider over here! I’m going to kill it!” She runs out of the bathroom into my room to get a shoe. Coming back she hits the spider several times, finally getting it and it lands on the side of the tub. I flicked it off and said thank you. She giggled at where it landed and the shrieked again since it was not all the way dead. She hit it over and over again until there was no denying it had met its maker.
M, “Now you need to clean him up!” She did and then came back.
A, now at the side of the tub, pulling back the curtain which I closed for a little bit of privacy, “So, are you just going to lay there? Or are you just going to sit? When Bella and me sit in the tub together thewater goes way up.”
M, “I’m just going to sit here for a little bit and see if it helps my back.”
A, “Hmm…. your bathroom is clean. You know our bathroom isn’t very clean. Hey did you know that Madison got soap stuck in her hiney? I thought it was funny.”
M, “Ummmm…”
A, getting up from the side of the tub and going near the toilet, “I like that you have magazines in your bathroom. That way if you are pooping you can just sit and read a magazine too. We don’t have those in our bathroom. Oh! Look at this big one. It’s about houses. I think I’m going to read this one!” (she starts flipping through a house plans book and then brings it over by the tub) “Look at this one! I like this one!”
M, “Yes, it’s very nice.”
A, “And it has a fountain! I wish we had a fountain!”
M, “Yes, a fountain would be nice.”
A, “So, does the water help your baby too?”
M, “ I suppose so. It helps relax my whole body so it relaxes him too.
A, “That’s nice. Baths are relaxing.”

Ben enters the bathroom to join in our party.
B, flinging open the rest of the curtain, “So, whatcha doing? Taking a bath? “
A, “She is taking a bath, it’s relaxing! “ At which point I figured it was not worth arguing about if I was relaxed or not.
B, “Why are you just laying there?
M, “Well, I’m trying to let my back rest and maybe feel better.”
B, “That’s weird. “
A, “Yeah, she’s just been sitting there.”
B, “So, is your baby taking a bath too?”
M, “Yes, I suppose he is.”
B, “What happens if he dies?”
M, “I would be very sad.”
A, “Yeah, me too.”

Ben, running off down the hall now, yelling for Bella, “Bella! Hey, come quick… Mama’s taking a bath!” Isabella came running down the hall, into my room and then into my bathroom.
I, “So, you’re taking a bath?”
M, “Yes.”
I, “That’s so weird.”
M, “Why?”
I, “Because you’re naked!”
M, “Well how do you take your baths?”
I, “I lay down.”
M, “But you are naked aren’t you?”
I, “Yes, I guess, but it’s weird that you are naked in the tub!”
A, “Yeah, it’s pretty weird.”
B, “So, when is it candy time?”
M, “Well, we’ll have candy in a little bit.”
B, “Ok, I can wait.”

I turn to be on my side instead of sitting upright.
Anna, super interested in this newest change of events gets up on her knees on the side of the tub, “So, now you’re going to lay in the tub on your side?”
M, “It appears that way.”
B, also getting on his knees on the side of the tub to have a better look for himself, “Yes, she’s on her side now.”
I, “Does it feel better to be on your side?”
M, “Not so much but I thought I might try something different.”
B, “I bet I can touch the other side of the bathtub without falling in!”
A, “Me too!”
M, “Please don’t do that because if you fall in you’ll land on my legs and hurt my back even more.”
B, “Would we hurt the baby too?”
M, “Possibly. It’s better if you just don’t do it.” They both got off their knees and sat on their hineys on the side of the tub.
B, “I was wondering something… why do mamas get milk in their boobies? I mean, they get big and everything. Look at yours… they are big and they have milk.” (insert a big deep sigh from me here)
M, “Boobies only have milk if the mama has a baby. I don’t have milk yet. When the baby comes I will.”
B, “Then why are your boobs SO big?”
M, “I guess I just am made that way.”
A, “Yeah, those are some big boobies!”
M, “I think we need to talk about something different.”
I, “It’s my turn on the Kinect!” She runs off to play her turn.
A, hearing Lady Gaga on the Kinect takes off running to see what’s going on. She comes back singing, “Poka, poka, poka face! Bella is dancing to Poker Face!”
B, “This is fun.”
M, “Sure is.”
A, putting her feet in my bath water, “I like taking baths too. Maybe I could take one.”
B, putting his feet in the water too, “Yeah, your water feels good! Why is your water warmer than ours when we take a bath?”
M, “I don’t know. I guess because you guys take baths one after the other and the warm water gets used up.”
B, “Yeah, that’s true.”
Isabella, running down the hallway after her song is done, “I’m back! Now I’m sweaty!”
M, “Guys, I think it’s time you left the bathroom so I can get out and dry off.“ (not that I was worried that they would see me naked, by now that wasn’t the issue but it was nice to have an excuse to make them go on!
A, “Ok, let us know when you are done so we can come back. I don’t want you to be bored tonight!”

This 30 minutes of my New Year’s Eve wasn’t what I was expecting it to be but I’m sure it’s one that I won’t ever forget. It reminds me of similar conversations I had with Savannah and Emma(and Bella and Anna were tinier!) when they were about the same ages. It’s funny how our lives change over time and what makes us smile and how priorities change. I know that even though I really hoped for some peace and quiet while I nursed my hurt back that me sitting talking with them for that time probably meant the world to them. I’m not sure they will remember the exact conversation but they will remember being able to sit and talk to me while I sat awkwardly in the tub. Ah, New Year’s… I always love being surrounded by the ones I love, this just takes it to a different level.

To read my of my previous adventures with Savannah and Emma perched on the side of the tub, click here :) http://georgiamama.blogspot.com/2006/01/joys-of-taking-bath-with-onlookers.html

Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours...

Merry Christmas! May God's blessings be with you now and always!

Reflections

This week has been a very hard one to go through. It has been a very sad reminder of how much we've lost, not only last year, but in all our years together. Losing William was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, or hope to go through. His loss, the circumstances surrounding it, and things that have followed it have changed my life forever.

Last year at this time I couldn't imagine that I would be carrying another little boy under my heart and awaiting his arrival in the spring. As I layed on the hospital bed I silently prayed and begged God to let me hemorrhage so that I would never have to experience the physical, emotional and spiritual pain I was in at that moment. Thankfully God didn't answer that prayer. I keep trying to remind myself that God knows best, as he did that night, and that the things we go through now, or will go through in the future, are all better than the plans I could come up with on my own.

On Tuesday, a day before William's birth/death date, I went to the church to drop off a couple of my girls to help with cooking for a party that was coming up for Christmas. While there we saw that they were also preparing for a funeral. I found out that it was for a baby that had died at full term. The mother had placenta previa and her beautiful son didn't make it. I knew that I needed to go and talk to that mother. I found her, her husband and daughter sitting in the church next to their baby boy. They were receiving visitors before the funeral. No one was with them so I took the opportunity to stop and talk to them. Before I could open my mouth to introduce myself I started to cry. I tried my hardest to tell them who I was and that I knew their pain. I let them know that the next day was the year anniversary of losing our son. When they asked if our son was buried in the church cemetery I told them that their son would be right next to mine. I tried my hardest to assure them that while the pain is all encompassing right now that it will get better. I told them I was sorry and that I understood their pain. I told them that I would be praying for them. I told them if they ever needed anything that I was there and gave them my name and number. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Oh how that visit made things even harder for me this week! To see that tiny baby lying there took my breath away. To know that pain they were feeling tore my heart open. To know that this Christmas they will be crying and mourning instead of laughing and rejoicing made me remember our Christmas last year where all I could think about was crawling back into the bed and crying myself to sleep again. I relived those days last year so vividly this week. I'm still reliving them now.

I keep telling myself that perhaps being there that day helped them see that life will go on and they will begin to heal. I also wonder though why I needed to relive that so that now I am in so much pain all over again. I have no idea why God puts us in the places He does. I can only hope that the pain I feel now has a redemptive aspect for them.

I know that this Christmas will be a much different one that last year. I am looking forward to seeing my children open their gifts. Last year it was all I could do to fake a smile at their happiness. I know that I will enjoy Christmas supper. Last year I couldn't eat and I wanted to crawl in the bed and cry. I cried at the table during prayer and then again while we were eating. It was hard to just get through the day. I know this Christmas is going to be better but I know that we are still missing so many around our table. I know that my heart is still bleeding from this open wound. I am trusting that God will see me though the coming days.

I know that all that we go through makes us the people we are. I'm not sure if there is a way to become the people God hopes us to be with less suffering or not. I wish there was but I think there isn't. I can only pray that God uses these sufferings for something good and beautiful.

Reasons to be Merry

Reasons to be merry:

1. We got a new kitten who is already spoiled! His name is Schmitty the Kitty

2. The tree was put up and the kids are so happy!

3. Our elf, Chris is back and is getting into Christmas mischief

4. St. Nicholas visited and filled the kids (and Mike's and my) shoes with candy!

5. The kids are super crazy and so excited for Christmas to get here!

6. Our sweet little man is still safe and snug inside and due March 17th.

Too Many Names

Tonight we attended a Rememberance Service at the funeral home who took care of William for us before his burial. It was a touching night. After we went through so much with his loss it meant more than we could say to have him remembered in such a beautiful service this evening.

I was suprised when several weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail to the service. I was touched because so many didn't view William's life worth anything and here the funeral home, who deals with the deaths of young and old, could see just how important his little life was. I wrote down the date and decided we would attend.

With William's birth day coming up so quickly I have to admit I haven't been doing so well. It's hard to keep a smile on your face when you just keep thinking about how a year ago your life was so different and that in the blink of an eye you are changed forever. Thankfully I have being doing an "I'm thankful for... " post on Facebook each day and that has helped me to focus on the things that are so good in my life. Without that I don't know how I could have kept my spirits up.

Tonight we packed up the kids and went to the service. The chapel it was held in was so full. It broke my heart so see so many people... so many who had lost loved ones over the course of the year and so many who were hurting as I was. It also made my heart smile to know that all those people were honoring their loved ones too. They hadn't forgotten how special they were and they wanted to acknowledge just how much they meant to them.

As the service started we prayed and asked the Lord to help us remember the good times and how special our loved ones were to us. I sat there thinking about how I had been robbed of the "good times". I didn't have that many memories. But I focused on the few I had... the ultrasounds where I saw him moving and wiggling, of feeling his tiny kicks inside of me, of the kids rubbing my belly. Still, it made me sad that my memories were so few. I have many memories after we lost him but most of those are terrible and hard to bring to mind without a cascade of tears.

After the prayer we had the reading of the names, too many names. As they announced they would start I braced myself to hear William's name read aloud. I wasn't prepared to hear his name be the first read. I gasped and started to cry. There were people around me watching me, I'm sure wondering who William was and what he meant to me. Some stared and I found myself feeling silly for having such an intense and very public reaction. I wiped my eyes with my hanky and tried my best not to cry. It was useless though. The tears started and didn't stop. I missed many names before I was able to stop my tears. The names read on and on. It broke my heart to hear so many names. To know that there were so many people whose lives were changed in a blink of an eye. People all around me sharing their loss with me. Of course our losses were different but in the end we all had the same result, we were missing our precious loved one.

When the reading of the names was over we each lit a candle that we were given upon arriving. As one candle lit the next the lights were dimmed and soon we were all sitting in the candlelight. It was beautiful. We proceeded outside where we sang Silent Night and their Christmas tree was lit. We were told that the lights on the tree signified the lights of our loved ones and would remain burning day and night until the end of the Christmas season. Finally we were each given an angel ornament to put on our own Christmas trees to remember our lost loved ones.

The night was cold and rainy and it matched my heart. But the lights of the candles and from the tree reminded me that even though it can be cold, dark and rainy that the light will always shine through. The key is to keep looking for the light and always focusing on it instead of the cold and darkness. I'm trying to remember that. Some days it's hard.

As we near the first anniversary of William's birth and death I am clinging to my faith and my hope. I'm praying that God will bless me with the ability to see the good in people and remember that He is always there, even when it feels dark and alone. His light is always shining and I just need to focus on that.

I miss my son. Last year at Christmas I was in a fog. It was hard to focus on anything. This year that fog is gone and I can see clearly how difficult this will be. I'm not looking forward to the pain. I'm not looking forward to the tears. I'm not looking forward to Christmas without my son. He should be crawling now and laughing and getting into things. He should be chewing up the wrapping paper and bows and smiling from ear to ear over all the attention he gets. Of course I know that instead he's spending Christmas in heaven and truly there's no better place to be but I'm selfish and want him here with me.

I am thankful for so much still. Thankful I was chosen to be his mother for what little time I had him. Thankful for the lives he's touched by sharing his story. Thankful that we could remember him tonight in such a beautiful service. We are blessed and I am praying that I can focus on those blessings instead of focusing only on the pain.

Sharing A Piece Of My Heart

William holding my hand

Yesterday I did something very hard. I shared the complete story of how William came into this world. I didn't leave out any of the details even though many of them were intense and extremely personal and hard to write about. But I had been asked to share William's story on a website that I write for. Because yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance day I felt like his story, our story, would help others become aware of amazing life is even at it's earliest stages. I also hoped to bring forth to light how important it is to treat those who have lost a child with respect and dignity. If we could touch just one life then maybe sharing our story would be worthwhile.

I'll admit, I was scared to do so! Apart from a very few people and what I've shared here, I had not shared my story with many. On top of that I worried about sharing William's pictures. Now that they are on the internet they might not be used for the purpose I hope. I don't want my son's life exploited. To some he'll just be a neat picture, to me he's my life. Those pictures are a reminder of the perfection I held for such a short time, of what I miss each and every day. To say it was hard to share them is an understatement.

I wanted to share them here because I feel like if I am going to share them with anyone I should share them here where people who have been by my side giving me support, allowing me to cry when I needed to most.

My son is such a big part of me. I miss him so much. I feel an incredible sense of loss. That pain hasn't gone away, it's still there, only now I can control my feelings a little better. This week has been so hard for me. I had a scare with our newest baby at the beginning of the week and ended up at the hospital on Tuesday. I was having contractions, severe pelvic pressure and no movement from our baby in 2 days. On the way to the hospital I realized that I was at the same time as I was when I lost William. My heart screamed in pain. I cried to God to please let our baby be ok, that to have to go through this again was something I might not be able to handle. The scare of possibly losing this baby made the loss of William fresh again. Seeing our new baby's heart beating on the ultrasound and seeing him kick around helped me relax but it didn't dry the tears that I have once again been crying several times a day. Knowing that my cervix is changing already and that I have to be on modified bedrest scares me as well and makes me think of the last time I was confined to bed... just two short weeks later I was holding my son to my chest willing life back into him. To say it's been a hard week is an understatement.

I'm glad I shared William's story but at the same time I almost regret it. Many people at church today had no clue what to say to me. Some couldn't look at me. Some walked away as I walked to them. It made me even more sad and lonely to think about. I know they just probably didn't know what to say to me but to not say anything, not even a hi, was hard on me. I'm hoping it is temporary and that things will be different when I am up at the church later this week and when we go to Mass next Sunday.

Thank you to those of you who read here and who have supported me through all we've been through. I can't even begin to tell you how much your words have meant to me, not just with William's loss but with all our losses and with all the ups and downs we've been through. I am thankful that my friend Angi got me into blogging. It's such a wonderful way to look back and see how far we've come, to keep memories that might have otherwise faded on us and to hold on to those most precious to us when they are gone from our arms.

If you feel like reading the entire story of William's life and death you can read it at the Catholic Sistas website or you can click the picture above as well. It has been helpful and hurtful for me to share it. I'm praying that God does something wonderful with the story and with William's life. I'm praying that his life can change others.

William's perfect foot, he left his footprints on our heart

A Time To Heal

Owen Michael, lost January 29, 1992, my first lost child

There is a website that I have loved since the day I found it. I don't remember when it was just that I was hurting. Names in the Sand showed me that I was not alone. While I hated that so many other people were going through losses and hurting like I was it was comforting to know that I wasn't the only person out there hurting so badly. It's very hard to help someone understand the love that a parent feels for their child if the other person is not a parent themselves. That love is just something you can describe. Of course once the person becomes a parent they suddenly understand not only that love but equally how hard it is to explain that love.

As hard as it is to describe that love a parent has for their child, it's equally as hard to be able to describe the feeling of losing a child to someone who has never gone through it. I have to be careful here what I say because I don't want to lessen anyone's pain but there are even varying degrees within the loss of pregnancy... at least for me there has been. With my very, very early losses it has been heartbreaking but not pure devastation as much later losses were, particularly William and Joseph. Not to say that I didn't love those who I lost so early as much as I did as the others but I guess the amount of "trauma" that went with those losses just made them harder to go through I suppose. I don't know if it is because I have had others to compare to (which I don't wish on anyone) or the fact that I got pregnant almost immediately, often with the first cycle, after early losses, but those that happened later were just harder for me to handle. Being able to hold the baby in my hands or arms and kiss their tiny heads maybe made it even more difficult to move forward.

I have pictures of my babies who were lost at later dates. I have memories of them... of holding them, of counting their fingers and toes, of kissing their tiny heads. I am so thankful for that. As painful as it was I know I am blessed to have those things. I know for most of my other losses I had nothing, and that is hard.

This past week our family went to the beach for vacation. I've never been able to afford to hire Names in the Sand to write my children's names for me. As beautiful as they are and as much as I have longed to do so, there was just no way. I have lost 12 babies... too many names to write in the sand. There was no way I could choose to write one name and not the others. It didn't feel right to me. So, I never did it. This week I decided to undertake writing all my babies' names in the sand. I had to use the sunrise instead of the sunset since the beach we were on was facing east. There were several days I couldn't write at all because of cloudy weather. Still, after several days I was able to write all 12 babies' names in the sand.

Lily Ann, lost November 21, 2008... Madison's twin

Samuel Lee, lost February 26, 1998... twin to Savannah

Joseph Isaiah, lost March 2, 2010

William Nathaniel, lost December 21, 2010

I am not sharing all the pictures here. I felt like maybe that would be overwhelming. But to share these precious ones will have to represent all of our babies who wait for us in heaven.

It was overwhelming for me to write their names in the sand and to see the sun shining on them. It was comforting until the sea came to wash their names away. In just a moment they were gone, washed away with no sign they had been written there. Only the person who wrote the name knows it once was on the shore. Often that's how it feels when we lose a child. It feels like their names our written on our hearts but washed away so quickly for everyone else around us. It hurts to know that sometimes we are the only ones who think of those little ones wanted and loved so dearly.

I'm glad, that as hard as it was, I was able to write all their names in the sand. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to see them shining in the sun, the light of God touching them as He touched me at the same time. I miss my babies so much and am still hurting a tremendous amount. I don't talk about it with much of anyone anymore as I know others have moved on and think I should too. It's not that easy to do though. I know that this was a healing moment for me... I got to name outloud all my children. I got to validate their lives in a special way. I got to remember them all at one time. It was a beautiful thing to do.

My Husband, My Hero

If you've read here for long you know I've occasionally posted stories from the "front lines". I can distinctly remember writing about the time my husband radared a military helicopter and immediately regretted it. I wrote about the time I went to his office for lunch and he made sure I cleaned the table off really well because they had just finished inventorying some drugs they had seized. It was particularly hard to write about a meth lab they had busted and how Mike was so affected by it because they found that the people had put a baby, about the age of Anna at the time, in a dog cage to keep her out of the way. Also hard was writing about the time I received a phone call from one of the other officers telling me not to worry but they were on the way to the hospital with Mike after he was stung over 100 times by yellow jackets while out on a bust. There have been many funny stories, but there have been many sad or scary ones as well.

As a police officer's wife I have always known that there is a chance that when Mike and I say goodbye for the day/night, he may not come home to me. Of course there is this chance with everyone, but, when you work in the field that he does you are upping those chances. I've had many people ask me how I deal with that grim reality. I tell them that every day when he leaves I tell him I love him and to be careful. Then, when the door closes, I give that worry to God. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to function. There are times when it's harder than normal to do that... if I know he's going on a particularly hard bust, if they are going to be laying in the woods undercover with the risk of being caught, if they are doing a buy with someone new. I say more prayers those days but I still hand it over to God.

Mike encountered something the other day that really made me rethink all he does. I often think of the times that are hardest for him as the ones where he takes kids out of homes during a bust, or when he is in a lot of danger. But this week he did something that in the end was probably one of the hardest things he's ever done and yet he was in no danger at all.

While at the GBI headquarters he was doing a tour with a couple of the newer guys. He had taken them down to have their new ids made. As part of the tour they went down to the morgue and witnessed a few autopsies going on. While this isn't particularly hard for him to view anymore it still is disturbing. But while there, standing behind the glass watching, he noticed one of the people working on something very small. He said at first he thought it was the organ of one of the people on the other gurneys. As he looked closer and started to say, "What is she doing over there?" he realized that she was working on a baby. His heart stood still.

With all we've been through and all the worries we have now with this pregnancy it was so hard for him to see this baby laying motionless on the table. He said it was hard to be in that room. I know it affected him even more than he told me and it breaks my heart for him. He most often doesn't bring any of his work home with him. He never divulges confidential material or even most of time what they are doing or where. The information he gives me is bare minimum. They are required to keep that kind of stuff to themselves. This, however, was different. It wasn't confidential and it was something that rattled him so much he needed to share it with me. He couldn't keep it bottled up.

I think about all the things my husband does for others. Many times those that he is protecting and serving don't care one way or another how his job affects him. They have no idea what he sees on a daily basis or what he's exposed to and how hard it is as a father, a husband, a son, a friend, to take that in day in and day out. I know though and it is amazing how much he and others like him deal with both physically and emotionally. I know I couldn't do it. It takes someone very special to continue to see the things he does and still want to serve.

I am so proud of Mike. He is amazing. I know that the other day seeing that baby hurt his heart so very much and yet he got up the next day and went right back to work eager to protect and serve. He encompasses honor and valor and hope. I love him more than I can say. I wish I could take some of those hurts from him. I wish he didn't have to be exposed to so many of these things. I'm happy he's willing to do the job that I know I could never do. He is my hero.

Hoping and Praying

This week I have been sick. Probably more sick than I've been in a long time. It started out on Sunday as a sore throat and by Wednesday was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. My head was so dizzy that to just move to reposition in the bed sent me spinning. To get out of bed to go to the bathroom almost made me pass out. The kids gathered around my bed and looked at me and said, "Mama, are you... ok?" with worried looks on their faces. It's rare that I am that sick. But this bug, a cold bug, a flu bug, I'm not sure what kind it is, has really knocked me for a loop.

I went to the doctor today to make sure that I was ok. I was worried that having been so sick was not only terrible for me but was going to have a bad effect on the baby I am now pregnant with. I've been waiting to announce my pregnancy for a couple reasons but today showed me that I really want it announce it for the world to know about in case something goes wrong that I can have as many people praying for us as possible. Also, I just want the world to know that this little one exists. It's so important to me that this life be validated and cherished.

The midwife listened to my concerns about cramping, about being sick, about not feeling flutters this week. When we first listened for the baby's heartbeat we didn't find it right away. My heart stopped. But then we heard a beautiful little galloping sound of the baby's heart. I cried on the exam table. The midwife, not knowing my full story (I'm seeing a new set of doctors), looked at me a little questioning and just said, "Well, once you get past the time you lost some of your other babies you will feel so much better." I told her I didn't think so as what we have gone through has been so traumatic and that I probably wouldn't relax until I was holding this baby in my arms at the end of my pregnancy. I then told her a brief overview of how we lost William and all that we endured not only with him but with the others as well. Her mouth dropped open and she rubbed my shoulder and said, "I promise you that you will never be treated that way here. I'm so very sorry. We are here for whatever you need." Through my tears I thanked her and told her it meant a lot to me to have such good care.

Driving home I thought a lot about how the week has gone. On top of being sick one of my very dearest friends lost her baby this week. My heart is aching for her knowing all that she is going through right now. As I got sicker and sicker this week and started cramping all I could think about was how I could very well be losing my baby too. The thought was just too much. I cried the entire way home from the doctor's office. I cried tears of joy and relief that our baby was ok. I cried for Kristi and for her family and the pain she is feeling now and will continue to feel. I cried thinking of all we've gone through and how my babies should be safe in my arms but aren't. I cried until my head hurt and my eyes hurt and till my nose ran even more than it was before.

Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant. Our baby looks perfect. I keep thinking about how we've been at this stage before only to go to lose our precious little one. All I can think is how much I want to be able to hold this baby in March when I am due and no sooner than that. I know that I don't "deserve" another child (so many people keep telling me that I do!) but oh how I want one! I know my wants are not often what is best for me and I just keep praying that God will allow me to bring this baby to term and for him/her to join our family in March. The thought of losing this baby has me scared to death. I know that if we do lose the baby I will get through it but how will I come out on the other side? How will Mike come out? The kids? Driving home today I cried because I was so happy I didn't have to come home and tell my children bad news. I got to tell them their tiny sibling was ok. On the way to the doctor's office I thought about how I would tell them if the baby was gone... I was so thankful not to have to say those words. It would have killed them every bit as much as it would have killed me.

I am trusting in God to hold us in His hands. I know that ultimately His plans are best and I am just thankful that He trusts me so much to bless me with another life, no matter how long I have them, to take care of the best I can while they are in my care. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we try our hardest to welcome another baby to our family March 17, 2012 (or thereabouts!)

Respect

Last weekend I went to a beautiful wedding at our church. Many of the people who were invited were not Catholics. I was stunned to see how disrespectful many of those people were during the Mass. I do understand that those who are not Catholic may not understand the sanctity of the Mass but just to be reverent because you are in a church is not too much to ask.

I was shocked to see people not only talking but laughing, pointing, chewing gum, obviously showing their disdain over the Mass itself. The photographer even was laying completely on his belly in the middle of the aisle to take pictures! I understand wanting to "get the shot" but really is there no other way to show respect and get a great shot? I guess it amazes me so much because I would never go in anyone's church, temple, synagogue, etc and act the way these people did. I try my hardest to show everyone respect, even other religions that might not be my own, because it is how I want to be treated and how as Christians, Christ expects us to act.

I am part of an interfaith dialogue group and I am constantly amazed at how well everyone on that board treats people of other faiths. We can carry on a civil conversation without degrading each other's religion or beliefs. It's just not necessary. I love learning about other faiths and I know that my Catholic faith is not what everyone is looking for. Of course I think it's the right way but I do respect others who choose differently. Christ taught us to love everyone just as he loves us. How can we show love when we are fighting over who's right and who's wrong? We should be praying for one another, not fighting.

I have been thinking about this all week long. I pray for those who are so judgmental and who find that they don't have to offer respect to anyone who might be different than them. It is on my mind tonight as I think of the days that are coming up. With remembering September 11th this year I wonder how many people will look at all Muslims and judge them for the acts of a small sect of extremists? I pray this won't happen but I know it will. It makes me sad.

As in the words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?" Can't we all just show one another respect. We CAN be different and still be alike too. We are all searching for the truth. We are all looking to be loved. We are all doing the best we can with what we are given.

As Christ says in Matthew 5:43-48- "You have heard it said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy'. But I say to you, love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brother, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect."