Life Undercover

Life as an undercover police officer's wife is never dull. It can be challenging, heartbreaking and frustrating, but it is never dull.

I sometimes wonder how we ended up here. Not in Georgia, but in this place in our lives. It has taken a string of events that by themselves wouldn't add up to much but put together, well, they have brought us here.

I think I have stated before that my husband works undercover as a drug agent. He has had a variety of looks... long hair, short hair, bearded, goatee, bald, earrings, scary, respectable. You name it he has been it. Some of these looks I have hated, others I have loved. But in the end I know that all are important. When he started undercover work 5 years ago he definitely had that "cop look". You know the one where you can spot a cop in a crowd of people. There was no denying that he was the 5-0. Now, well, he looks like he could be anyone. There have been times when he has the "junkie" look (I hate that look) and other times he is much more respectable looking. I tend to like those times better.

More important though than his looks is what he actually does. I try not to think about it too much. If I did I would worry myself sick. If I thought about everything that could happen when he goes on a buy or to serve warrants that is all I would be thinking of. I tend to block those things out of my mind and focus on what is going on with the kids, the house, our other responsiblities, friends, church or me. I find that focusing on these things help to get me through the day (or the long night). It is a hard life to lead... both for the cop and the family.

This week the Task Force has taken down 4 meth labs. To me this is just scary. I hate when they have to take down a lab. There is such a possiblity of something going wrong that it is really frightening. Meth labs are highly dangerous. They are not only dangerous because they risk exploding but the health factors are amazing too. Most people don't realize that once a lab is functioning in an area that area is contaminated long after the lab is gone. The chemicals get into the paint on the walls, into the carpet, on the furniture, in the air, on the ceilings. The lab makes the area very dangerous for a long time to come.

Mike was called out tonight for a lab that was set up in a hotel room. The scary thing about this is that unless the hotel cleans every square inch in that room the next people will be exposed to these chemicals. How do we know that the rooms we stay in when we go on vacation are ok? How do we know that we aren't subjecting ourselves to things that can seriously harm us? To me hotel labs are the scariest because they potentially affect so many others.

Working undercover Mike has seen so many things. He has seen the destruction of a blown lab, the withering away of a drug addict, the dead bodies of people who have overdosed, women beat by their drugged up boyfriends, lives ruined. The most disturbing aspect of his job though is the children who are involved. When he went to bust one lab he found 4 small children (under 7) up watching "Nick at Night" at about 1 am. Their parents were just mere feet away cooking meth. When the task force broke down the door these poor children just cried and cried. They were terrified. Mike said it broke his heart to see those kids there. It's one thing to put your life in danger it is a completely different story to subject innocent children to it. He came home very down that night. It is a hard job.

There are many times that we don't get to see that much of him. He works so much. He has to though. Unfortunately drug dealers don't care about what time it is or what day it is. A good example of this is that Mike was called out on Christmas day. I'll say that again, Mike was called out on Christmas day. What drug dealer can't give it a rest on Christ's birthday???? These people don't care about these sort of things though. They care about 2 things: their addiction and the almighty dollar. These people, although they don't know it, affect every minute of my every day.

I guess in the end it boils down to the calling to serve others and to set things right. Mike has such a strong calling that many times his work comes before home, not always, but definitely sometimes. I try not to get too upset about this because I know that this is a true calling. He's trying to make a difference and I have to respect that. It is a hard at times because I know that so many out there don't care whether or not he were to die trying to make their world a safer place but he is willing to give his life anyhow. It makes me mad when people complain about the police when they are out there sacrificing for those same whiner's safety. If the police weren't there imagine what life would be like then. I can't fathom it!

I pray each day and night for Mike's safety and then I leave it in God's hands. No amount of worrying on my part will keep him safe but my faith and trust in God may. I try to think of his job as my sacrifice too... I am willing to give my husband's time and energy instead of requiring it for me and my family. I am willing to give my time and energy to comfort him after seeing some of the horrific things he sees. I am willing to allow my husband and the father of my children to give his life if he deems it necessary to save others, and I know that he would. He would lay his life down for those who bad mouth him and other cops, for the drug dealers he's chasing, for the average joe, for all those he has promised to protect and serve. I pray it never comes to that but if it does then his sacrifice is mine as well.

I know that Mike can't envision doing anything else with his life. He was born to be a cop. It is in his blood, it runs through his veins. He is a wonderful police officer and an even better undercover agent. He is amazing. I pray that he always stays safe. I can't imagine losing him.

Taxes

Taxes. You gotta love tax time! Well, maybe you don't if you have to pay but when you get money back it is always a great time of year. Normally we struggle from paycheck to paycheck but at tax time it is nice to have a little more breathing room. I love it. This year we have tried to be responsible with our tax money. Sometimes when you get extra money and you have scrimped by all year long you go a little hog wild. We are trying not to do that this year. We have paid some bills off, bought the kids the shoes and clothes they needed and bought a couple new things we needed but not desperately.

One of the things we bought was a new computer. I love it! It is really fast and the graphics are wonderful. We hooked up cable internet so the connection is awesome. We can be online without tying up the phone. This is supposed to be my "prize". I do so much for schooling and general surfing that this was for me. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to use it too much. Mike is constantly on it now. He's not using it for the internet but to play high graphic war games. Our old computer would have never supported these games and now that we have one that will he has dominated the computer. One game has the capability to be played online as well. Last night he was online setting that up and on the phone with a friend who was "helping" him set it up. So he was tying up the phone and the computer. It makes me mad.

I guess because there are few things to actually call "mine" I expected to be able to use the computer that we were specifically buying for me. I share everything. I know that sounds like I am whining but I'm not. I don't have much to call my own. I share my time, my energy, my food, my privacy, my bed, my space, everything. I know more than anyone that when you have children, especially a lot of children, you have to share. I'm ok with that. But I know that I need some space and time of my own. My computer helps to provide that. I have an escape when I can come online and surf, write or read. I find it very relaxing.

When my husband is taking over the refuge that I have I start to feel resentful. I am irritated that we spent so much money on something for me that I have little access to. I almost wish we only had our old computer and was still connected through dial up. Yes it is a pain in the rump to be kicked off and have slow downloads etc but I was able to actually get on the computer! I guess it wouldn't be so irritating if we hadn't also hooked up the cable so Mike could watch without lines through the tv and if we hadn't bought a "prize" for him as well (he got a new gun).

As with most moms I rarely buy myself anything, especially something expensive. I just cringe at spending the money when I know we need it for other things. It was like pulling teeth for me to agree to getting this computer. Yes, I wanted it, but I also knew that we really could apply the money towards other things. I guess I also am upset that since getting the computer (which was over the amount we originally agreed on) we have also bought so many things for Mike's games. We have probably spent a couple hundred dollars on stuff for him. It's money we have right now but not that we should be spending on extras. I have so many other things I know we could be doing with it.

I guess the good thing about tax time is that the money we have spent is not money straight out of our pockets. It is in a sense "free" money. Yes, I realize that we put that money in for taxes but it's not money from the paycheck that is earmarked for bills or anything else. Still, though, it pains me to spend so much money! I am hoping when the new wears off that Mike not be so tethered to the computer. We'll see.

Tired

Did you ever have one of those days where you wake up knowing that you are going to be struggling to maintain your stamina the entire day through? One of the days where you wake up and an hour later you need to crawl back in bed to sleep, that your eyes literally won't stay open? Sometimes I feel so tired that it is all I can do to function. I can be up and going for about an hour, although still very tired, and then wham! the exhaustion just hits. It's not something that creeps up on you, overtaking you slowly, it just hits like a freight train. I have to sleep right then. If I can't I struggle to stay awake and find myself getting weaker and weaker.

I can handle many things... the pain of childbirth, the constant joint pains, the headaches, the aches of endometriosis, the itching skin, kidney pain and stabbing stomach pains from porphyria. I can handle the times my muscles are so weak that I have a hard time holding my 12 pounds, 7 month old baby. I can handle the chest pains and heart palpatations. I can handle alot. I hate it, but I can handle it.

What is really hard for me to handle though is the exhaustion. I don't even know that I describe it fully. Most people think that if I were to just get more sleep at night or take a nap in the day that will help me. It's not that simple, I do those things. This kind of pure exhaustion just completely wipes you out. It is nothing like I have ever experienced before. Unfortunately when I am getting a flare I get tired. Lupus is hard. I wish I could understand what it is doing to me more but I don't. I read all the time, I am an extremely intelligent woman who understands all the medical lingo and how Lupus "works". I just don't get how it can completely drain every bit of life out me and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help! It is very frustrating!!

I know I must look tired since when one of the ladies at church asked me how I was feeling and I replied, "ok" she said, "No, how are you really feeling?" I would have loved to just break down and cry it all out but with the kids standing all around you, other church members lingering about, I just said, "I'm tired, very tired". But I think she already knew just by looking at me.

I'm looking out for ways to help with the exhaustion. People don't understand that a day away isn't going to do it and neither would a week away. A nap won't cure it and getting 10 hours of sleep at night won't either. I'm not sure what will but I am on a quest to figure it out! Hopefully I'll find an answer soon, if not I might have to change my name to Sleeping Beauty!

A New Homeschool Group

This week we joined a new homeschool group. Up until now I have been the leader of a Christian group. Our numbers have been up and down but normally stay relatively stable. Unfortunately we found that most people who wanted to belong to the group weren't really very Christian like. They talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. I decided that we should find a new group to attend. It was a hard decision to make but I felt that my calling was over as a group leader. I know I helped many families but it was time to help my family.

The new group is wonderful! Not only is it Catholic based, which is very important to me, but the families there are very Christian. I think it is a great change for the kids for many reasons. First off they won't be persecuted and looked down upon because we are Catholic. Second, so many of the families are BIG families! We aren't the odd duck with 6 kids. Not everyone has a big family but there are many there who do or who want big families. Third they are surrounded by parents and kids who are Christian. These kids are taught to respect each other and how to act with dignity. A very pleasant change indeed!

Of course this is not to say that we didn't have some kids who were good kids in our other group. We did but it was different. There was so much judging, so much "I'm better than you", so much disrespect for each other and for the elders. It was hard to deal with that.

I guess most of it is hard for me and for the kids to understand since as Catholics we are taught to respect other religions and beliefs. We are taught that others still have Heaven open to them, that just because they aren't Catholic doesn't mean they are denied God's graces. It's hard as an adult to understand how others can be so cruel but for a child to understand is even harder. We have had people tell us we are doomed for hell because we are Catholic. Nevermind that the Catholic church is the Church Jesus instituted himself (this fact is historical, not just one the Catholic church "claims") and that NO ONE knows who is going to heaven or hell except the Father! How in the world can we judge each other when we don't know our own judgment yet?!

Unfortunately living in the South the Catholic faith is not the prominent religion. There is so many false ideas of what Catholics believe and what we do. Of course if one were to stop and ask they might find they believe what we believe but have a different way of showing it or how they "name" the belief. But no one asks, they just comment and judge. Maybe it's just ignorance or maybe they are afraid of the truth. I don't know. I do know that I am happy that we found a group that won't judge, us or others, and that can help us to show our children that the best way to grow up is in a respectful and prayerful circle of family and friends!

What Makes a Man Sexy?

Most men have the wrong idea of what women believe is sexy. Most men believe that their sex appeal has to do with their bodies; their rippling muscles, tight behinds, their huge hands doing manual labor. Of course these things really are sexy but they can't compete with some of the lesser known turn-ons for women.

I love to look at Mike's eyes. They are such a beautiful blue. Sometimes I find myself lost in them. I love to rub my hands across his broad shoulders. I can feel the strength in his hands when he holds mine. I know that his strong arms could carry me if need be. But even though I love those things about him they aren't the sexiest things about him. Well, in a way they are but not in the way most men would believe.

Mike's eyes are the most beautiful blue when they are twinkling with laughter at watching the kids put on a show. His shoulders seem so broad when carrying a 30 pound Emma on them. His hands, while so strong and calloused, are gentle and soft when rubbing Bella's back as she lays on his chest. His arms are the strongest when he is holding the smallest of our children. He is so beautiful to me when he is doing things that he just considers small things for me or for the kids.

I started thinking about this today when I came home from taking Kaylie to a birthday party. I took Kaylie and Anna with me and left the middle four at home with Mike. Bella woke up while I was gone and needed to be changed before I got home. Mike is one that hates, and I mean hates, poopy diapers. I can count the number he has changed since having children. With six kids we have had a ton of poopy diapers and yet he has only changed a handful. But when I got home he was dutifully doing the job, his shirt pulled up over his nose so he couldn't smell, gingerly holding Bella's legs up as he cleaned her. He gently put the new diaper under her, got her all fixed up and patted her hiney and kissed her. Right at that moment my husband was the sexiest man alive. He was showing his tenderness, his devotion and commitment to his child. It was such a beautiful moment.

I'm sure he would laugh at my observations. I know that I am a hopeless romantic but to me that moment pretty much summed up my feelings for my husband. He is his best when he doesn't even know it! Man I love that man!!!