Broken

Have you ever dropped something made of glass? When it lands it either shatters or breaks into a million pieces. If it hasn't shattered you may try to pick up the pieces to put it back together the best that you can. Unfortunately you normally find that there are pieces that just don't go back together or that are missing altogether. Even though you find most of the pieces the object is just never quite the same, never completely whole again. We are feeling this way right now... broken, putting the pieces back together, but knowing that there will always be a piece missing.

Last week we found out that our little baby was not going to make it. At 10 weeks his heart was not beating, my hormone levels were dropping and the tiny glimmer of hope that we had been given the week prior had slipped away from us. We knew that possiblity was there, we had been hopefully watching our baby's growth for a few weeks, worrying that it wasn't where it should be but hopeful he would catch up. Thursday we got the news that we feared the most, our hope was gone as was our tiny baby.

The doctor had hoped that my body would do what needed to be done and that I would miscarry over the weekend. My heart, however, had other plans. I guess I just couldn't give up on the baby that we so desperately hoped and longed for. On Tuesday we went to the hospital for a d&c. Thankfully everything went well and now I am trying to recover physically and we are all trying to recover emotionally.

We have suffered other losses early in pregnancy, most before we've told a soul that we are expecting again. This is the latest that we've lost a child. I think it has been exceptionally hard because the loss isn't just Mike's and mine, it's our childrens', it's our family's and it's our friends' loss as well. All those who love us and love our children are hurting along with us. The kids have taken it pretty hard. Savannah has taken it the hardest. She cried for hours when we told the kids that we had lost our little one. She asked me if I thought the doctor would call back and tell me it was all a mistake. Emma took it hard as well. She was convinced that this newest one would be her "twin" (each of the other kids have a sibling that looks like them, we call them their "twin"). She cried that she already missed her twin. I think to see them in so much pain caused my heart to break even more than it was. They all loved the baby so much already that to them it wasn't just a baby we were expecting, it was their sibling.

While we don't know for sure that it was a boy I am very convinced it was. To help in our healing process we decided to name our baby Dominic. The name means "belonging to the Lord". We know that Dominic will always be a part of our family but he was never meant to spend his time with us. He was meant to be with the Lord. We believe that he is in heaven with the angels looking down on us. The kids especially find great comfort in knowing that they have a little brother in heaven watching over them. They believe he's with their "rock-n-roll" granny who passed away in February of 2006 (you may remember me posting about her). She was very special to them and they love the thought of her rocking and holding their baby. It is a very comforting thought!

We hope that one day in the future we'll announce that we been blessed and are expecting again but for now we are hoping to try to put the pieces of our hearts back together the best we can. We know that there will always be a missing piece but we also know that with God all things are possible. We know that we will heal, we know that we will open our hearts to more children and we will always cherish what little time we had with Dominic. Being completely open to life is hard. It is the willingness to accept any blessings that God gives us but it also the understanding that there may be losses and hardship involved as well. It is knowing that every child that comes our way is perfect for our family regardless of their ablities or disablities. It is knowing that every child is not only ours but God's as well. It is knowing that God may decide to call that child home before we are ready to let go. It's a very faith-filled way to live your life. We are trusting that God will do what's right for our family and will always take care of us. Some don't understand that way of living but to be honest I couldn't live any other way. I know that with my life firmly in God's hands we will be ok. Our hearts will heal and that piece that is missing will be an opening that God can fill with even more love.

I can't say it's easy and I can't say I understand but I can say that with a family as wonderful as mine is we will get through this. Mike has been my rock, the oldest kids have been amazing and the younger kids, while not completely understanding, have been trusting and wonderful. I've been blessed in so many ways and am so thankful for my family. We just ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to heal.

Happy Birthday Savannah!

Happy Birthday Savannah! Today you turn 9 years old! You are almost to the double digits! I know you are excited to be turning 9 and that you have had a countdown going for a long time now. It's hard being the last birthday in the family but you handle it well.

You are such a wonderful girl. You are always silly and you love to be in the spotlight. I remember when you were just about 3 or 4 and told me that you wanted to go to "movie star school". Some kids are born to be stars, you are one of them! You constantly entertain us with your plays and your singing. You love to dance for us and put on various shows. We always know that with you around there is no boredom! You have asked us many times if you were to be on American Idol would we vote for you. There is no one else I would vote for. You are a star!

Something that is different about you from other kids who like to be the center of attention is that you are a very loving, compassionate and generous child too. You know that there are times when others should have the spotlight. You know that sometimes you need to take the backseat to one of the other kids. You are so caring and kind and I know your heart is much bigger than most. Your feelings get hurt easily because you care so much. You often worry about Daddy and you are the one that gets the most upset when he's not going to be home to eat with us or to go places with us or to just hang out with us. You ask every single night whether Daddy gets to be home or not and you can tell from the look on your face that you are so disappointed when he's not. Your love for Daddy is beautiful. We know you love everyone in the family so much and that love is amazing! We are both so lucky to have you for our daughter!

You often make us cards to tell us how much you love us. You will never know how much these mean to us until you have children of your own. We've saved all of them. We love to go back and look at them and see how much you've changed over the years. You have grown taller, wiser and more beautiful, but your heart has remained overflowing. You have a spirit about you that is amazing. You live life with joy and enthusiasm. Your laugh is contagious and your smile gorgeous. You make us so happy.

We are so lucky that you are part of our family. You bring a spark to our lives that without you in it just wouldn't exist. I love your smile, I love your freckles, I love the twinkle in your eyes. You are a beautiful child inside and out. We love you so very much and are so happy you belong to us!

Lest You Think That We Are Perfect ;)

You know, in reading my last post I might have come across wrong. I hope everyone out there in blogland knows that we are not perfect and that by no means do I think that we have the most perfect life. I'm not a great mother all the time, my kids are crazy and wild and generally annoying at times and my husband can be a turd. However, we do have a great family life and I love every minute of it... most of the time.

Take this evening at supper for instance. The kids were fooling around and it led to some horseplay. They ended up pulling and kicking each others chairs. It was driving me nuts. I asked them to stop and they did for a moment, only to start it up again. Which prompted me to say, in my most wonderful mommy of the year voice:

"If you don't stop kicking those chairs right now I will cut off all your legs and feed them to the rabbit!" (who crazily has a fondness for meat!)

They looked at me, stopped kicking each other's chairs, giggled and Garrett piped up, obviously very worried that I might carry through with my threat, "Would you do me first?"

Mother of the year I am not!

8 Is Great!

I wanted to share with you all that we are expecting our 8th child in March. Some of you already know this and still others don't. The kids are beside themselves and several started jumping up and down when we told them. All but one are hoping for another brother. Savannah and Emma have voiced their hopes for twins! I told them that God will decide what's best for us and if we only have one and it is a girl then that is exactly what our family needs right now. Secretly I'm hoping for another girl but I think it would be wonderful for Ben to have a brother near his own age. I know Garrett has always wished he had a brother nearer to him that he could pal around with. Either way we are thrilled and open to whatever God deems perfect for our family!

We have had great reactions from our real life friends and a mixture from our family. I never understand why people choose to be negative over something that we are so obviously excited about. Savannah has been the one that wants to tell everyone. She has asked me several times why some family is not happy for us. I tell her that not everyone thinks that you should have such big families, that they believe only one or two kids is enough. She was so cute when she asked, "But how can only one or two be right?" I told her that every family is different and what is right for us might not be right for others but that it is important to respect other people's decisions. I guess I was telling her what I hoped people would do for us! I just don't understand why people would be negative over a number when we obviously have everything we need...we provide for all their basic needs plus many of their "wants", they are loved so much, we have a very stable relationship (probably one of the best that I am aware of!).... what more could they want or need? We know our lives aren't perfect but to be honest I think we get almost as close as you can get in many aspects. We definitely have our problems but on the whole we have an amazing life, one that I really can't complain about even when times are tough! I wish more people would look at our lives that way instead of looking at a number and saying that is too many. It may be too many for others but so far we've shown that we can handle a big number of kids and that they all thrive! What could be better than that?

I have an ultrasound this Thursday to make sure of my dates and to be sure that the little bean is growing right. I can't wait to see that tiny little heartbeat just thumping away. It's amazing that it is still a thrill after so many times seeing it! I guess it's just hard to believe that we have made another life and that it is growing inside of me! I suppose that is one reason I love being pregnant so much... the awe of the entire process. To me it is so miraculous and I love every minute of it (even the nausea and fatigue and all the aches and pains at the end!).

We would appreciate any prayers you can say for us during this time. I've had some pregnancies that have been so hard and others that have been a breeze. Normally when I have problems the baby does great but when I do great the baby has problems. We are hoping for a problem-free pregnancy all the way around this time! Regardless we know that God has given us yet another angel to care for and feel so blessed. It's amazing that you can love someone so much that you've never seen, heard or touched! This little one is already a part of our family. I can't wait to start feeling him/her move. I know that will help really affirm that the little bean is doing well.

Start thinking of names! After our last go 'round trying to figure out Benjamin's name we might need a lot of help. Mike is already saying some "great" ones (Thor being a big pick right now!) I'll try to update more often. I've been tired and we were gone for a week to KC and to Iowa for a family reunion last week. It wore me out but I'm trying to get on the upswing of things!

Overheard At Our House

The other day Mike and I were sitting on the couch when Bella came up to us and started giggling.

She looked at Mike and said, "I'm gonna pop your nipples!" and then laughed her dirty old man laugh.

Mike and I looked at each other and he said, "What did you say?"

Again Bella replied, "I'm gonna pop your nipples!" and then laughed again.

I looked at her and said, "Bella, how will you pop Daddy's nipples?"

She smiled and took his foot in her hand, pulled on his toes and said, "Wook, I'm popping his nipples!"

We laughed when we realized she meant she was going to pop his knuckles! Popping your nipples might not feel as good!