I'm still here and hanging by a thread. Most days I'm just trying to get through. Some days are hard and some days are less hard but so far no days are easy. We've had a lot going on with the end of the school year rapidly upon us. I have been working on a video for the senior class of our youth group. It's what I do as my "real job" and I love doing it but it's pretty time consuming especially when you are having a hard time getting through the day. Still, it's kept me busy so that is good (and brings in a little money so that's even better!).
We are now in birthday mode around here. In a range of about two months we have 6 of the kids birthdays. Mike's and my birthdays also fall in the time frame too... 8 birthdays to contend with! Then we get a break for a couple weeks and have Anna's in July and then Savannah's in August and then we are done for the year. Bella's is in January. So it's a busy time for us and even though we don't do or buy much for birthdays it's an expensive time too! On April 23rd Kaylie turned 17! I'll have to write about that later as she deserves her very own post :)
Mike's parents just visited and we celebrated Christmas with them. We were unable to go there and they couldn't come here around Christmas so we just put it off for a while. This was the longest we've ever gone without seeing them. It was a nice visit and my father-in-law helped me fix a few things that were out of my area of expertise. Mike's not home enough to really help me with those sorts of things and isn't all that handy when it comes to fixing things. It's always a blessing when Mike's dad is here.
Not much else to report. I have a huge list of "quotes of the day" that I've been meaning to post. I need to do that. It always makes my day to see those quotes and to remember the context they were said in when I go back and reread them. They remind me that while life can be crazy and hard and sad there are still so many things to smile about. Right now I still need that reminder.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Medical Updates
It's been a rough month and a half emotionally and physically for us. Not only have we been dealing with the loss of Joseph but it seems like the bottom fell medically for many of us too.
When the kids were being taken care of for me while I gave birth they were exposed to the H1N1 virus. I delivered Joseph on March 2, they came home from our friend's house on March 4th. Emma was burning up with fever and sick. Shortly afterward that night Savannah fell ill too. In the next two weeks that followed all the kids became sick with the flu. It was terrible. They were so sick for so long. Kaylie and Garrett were only mildly ill so that was good. I'm not sure how we missed out on that virus all winter only to get it in March but we did and it hit us hard. Thankfully Mike and I avoided it. The two littlest ones, Caroline and Madison, had the hardest time of all healing from it but thankfully they did.
Right as we were just about over the H1N1 Mike brought home another virus, this time a cold virus. Unfortunately Mike was hit the hardest. The day that I left for Savannah he started running low grade fever. By Sunday it was on the rise. When I got home on Tuesday he was running high fever and couldn't breath well. He was coughing a terrible wet cough and was getting worse. Turns out he had pneumonia. Kaylie, Garrett and Madison quickly followed. Emma brought up the rear with the virus. Kaylie, Emma and Madison developed bronchitis and ended up on steroids, breathing treatments and antibiotics... the same treatment that Mike ended up getting. Mike and Kaylie are still struggling some with it but the big stuff seems to be past now.
On top of this Garrett's chest wall seems to be getting bigger and more deformed. He doesn't seem to be embarassed by it which is good but he is in pain sometimes. I'm worried that he's going to end up in brace for it. It is one of the treatments for pectus carinatum so hopefully we can go that route instead of surgery. I'm just praying that it will stop growing soon and not get any bigger or deformed. On a positive note this past month Garrett got braces on his teeth! He was very excited about that. It took forever for his adult teeth to finally grow in once we got his baby teeth pulled. His teeth already look so much straighter!
Savannah has been battling flare ups of her JRA. Her joints are so sore some days that she can hardly move. It's starting to affect more joints and she now has a huge lump on her ribcage. We go to the doctor tomorrow to have her evaluated. I don't know what they are going to do and I'm praying that the lump is just a result of the JRA and nothing else.
Bella's eyes seem to be getting worse again and I'm sure that we really need to have the surgery done on them to correct them. We need to get her in new glasses but right now can't afford them. I'm not sure what to do about her. She goes through glasses like you can't believe. I'm hoping she's old enough now to take care of them but she so rough and we just can't afford to replace them several times a year (this is after we go through the warranty on each pair!)
Emma and Kaylie both suffer from asthma pretty bad and right now with all that we have gone through in the last month or so with sickness has been so hard on them. Put spring and allergies on top of it and it's a recipe for disaster. They seem to be living on their inhalers.
Emma's bowels are stopping back up on her. We took her off her meds for about a year and now we are seeing that we just can't do that. I worry that she'll always have to be on medicine but having a colon that can't recognize that is full will probably be something she battles her whole life.
Madison seems to be doing so much better with her bowels! I'm happy to say that she poops on her own now and while not every day she's more regular that I don't worry about it anymore! She's still so tiny (9 months and 13 lbs 14 oz) but I'm happy with her growth! She is starting to catch up physically too. For so long she didn't roll or move around much but now she's crawling and starting to pull up on her crib or my leg or whatever she can! For not knowing if she'd walk when I was pregnant with her and then worrying because she wasn't even rolling at 6 or so months this is so big for her!
Caroline, Ben and Anna are all doing pretty well. They've battled the sickness also but seem to be doing a lot better. Ben's allergies are under control and it's funny to hear him say, "I can't have that cause I'm awergic to it." He knows the things to avoid and what he can have. It makes things a lot easier actually. Unfortunately Caroline and Madison both seem to have some food allergies too but since going through so much with Ben we have a handle on it and know it will be a lot easier to handle.
Anna is sweet as can be and while still little is doing great. It's funny how at some point they pull out of some of what plagues them while tiny. She was once classified as failure to thrive and yet to see her now you'd never know!
Medically we are fighting a lot right now but we are doing better in some areas so that is good. It's a tough fight especially when I am drained otherwise and don't have much to give to anyone. I am trying though and really, dealing with so much else gives me a lot to keep my mind and hands busy. It doesn't leave a lot of time to think. I think too much already!
I'm ready for some down time. I'm ready for things to go smoothly and quietly for a while. I know we all have our crosses to bear and I'm trying to bear mine with strength and trust in God. It's a heavy cross though. I want things to be easy for my kids but I also know they grow through all these trials. They sure will be strong in the end!
When the kids were being taken care of for me while I gave birth they were exposed to the H1N1 virus. I delivered Joseph on March 2, they came home from our friend's house on March 4th. Emma was burning up with fever and sick. Shortly afterward that night Savannah fell ill too. In the next two weeks that followed all the kids became sick with the flu. It was terrible. They were so sick for so long. Kaylie and Garrett were only mildly ill so that was good. I'm not sure how we missed out on that virus all winter only to get it in March but we did and it hit us hard. Thankfully Mike and I avoided it. The two littlest ones, Caroline and Madison, had the hardest time of all healing from it but thankfully they did.
Right as we were just about over the H1N1 Mike brought home another virus, this time a cold virus. Unfortunately Mike was hit the hardest. The day that I left for Savannah he started running low grade fever. By Sunday it was on the rise. When I got home on Tuesday he was running high fever and couldn't breath well. He was coughing a terrible wet cough and was getting worse. Turns out he had pneumonia. Kaylie, Garrett and Madison quickly followed. Emma brought up the rear with the virus. Kaylie, Emma and Madison developed bronchitis and ended up on steroids, breathing treatments and antibiotics... the same treatment that Mike ended up getting. Mike and Kaylie are still struggling some with it but the big stuff seems to be past now.
On top of this Garrett's chest wall seems to be getting bigger and more deformed. He doesn't seem to be embarassed by it which is good but he is in pain sometimes. I'm worried that he's going to end up in brace for it. It is one of the treatments for pectus carinatum so hopefully we can go that route instead of surgery. I'm just praying that it will stop growing soon and not get any bigger or deformed. On a positive note this past month Garrett got braces on his teeth! He was very excited about that. It took forever for his adult teeth to finally grow in once we got his baby teeth pulled. His teeth already look so much straighter!
Savannah has been battling flare ups of her JRA. Her joints are so sore some days that she can hardly move. It's starting to affect more joints and she now has a huge lump on her ribcage. We go to the doctor tomorrow to have her evaluated. I don't know what they are going to do and I'm praying that the lump is just a result of the JRA and nothing else.
Bella's eyes seem to be getting worse again and I'm sure that we really need to have the surgery done on them to correct them. We need to get her in new glasses but right now can't afford them. I'm not sure what to do about her. She goes through glasses like you can't believe. I'm hoping she's old enough now to take care of them but she so rough and we just can't afford to replace them several times a year (this is after we go through the warranty on each pair!)
Emma and Kaylie both suffer from asthma pretty bad and right now with all that we have gone through in the last month or so with sickness has been so hard on them. Put spring and allergies on top of it and it's a recipe for disaster. They seem to be living on their inhalers.
Emma's bowels are stopping back up on her. We took her off her meds for about a year and now we are seeing that we just can't do that. I worry that she'll always have to be on medicine but having a colon that can't recognize that is full will probably be something she battles her whole life.
Madison seems to be doing so much better with her bowels! I'm happy to say that she poops on her own now and while not every day she's more regular that I don't worry about it anymore! She's still so tiny (9 months and 13 lbs 14 oz) but I'm happy with her growth! She is starting to catch up physically too. For so long she didn't roll or move around much but now she's crawling and starting to pull up on her crib or my leg or whatever she can! For not knowing if she'd walk when I was pregnant with her and then worrying because she wasn't even rolling at 6 or so months this is so big for her!
Caroline, Ben and Anna are all doing pretty well. They've battled the sickness also but seem to be doing a lot better. Ben's allergies are under control and it's funny to hear him say, "I can't have that cause I'm awergic to it." He knows the things to avoid and what he can have. It makes things a lot easier actually. Unfortunately Caroline and Madison both seem to have some food allergies too but since going through so much with Ben we have a handle on it and know it will be a lot easier to handle.
Anna is sweet as can be and while still little is doing great. It's funny how at some point they pull out of some of what plagues them while tiny. She was once classified as failure to thrive and yet to see her now you'd never know!
Medically we are fighting a lot right now but we are doing better in some areas so that is good. It's a tough fight especially when I am drained otherwise and don't have much to give to anyone. I am trying though and really, dealing with so much else gives me a lot to keep my mind and hands busy. It doesn't leave a lot of time to think. I think too much already!
I'm ready for some down time. I'm ready for things to go smoothly and quietly for a while. I know we all have our crosses to bear and I'm trying to bear mine with strength and trust in God. It's a heavy cross though. I want things to be easy for my kids but I also know they grow through all these trials. They sure will be strong in the end!
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
A Heavy Heart, A Happy Heart
So much has been going on here in our family that sometimes it seems there is no time to breathe. Just when I think I have caught my breath something else happens to take it away from me again.
I'm still struggling with this sadness and am trying to move forward but it is hard. There are so many reminders of what has been lost and how far we have to go just to be able to move forward. We are taking it one step at a time.
Easter Sunday we took a family picture in the gazebo at church. It turned out beautifully. All the kids are smiling and looking cute. The sun is shining and we are all there. While the picture is one I am going to frame it makes me sad at the same time. We are all there but we aren't.
A friend of mine sent me a beautiful teardrop necklace to help me remember Joseph. When I wear it I find myself holding it in my fingers, rubbing the teardrop, stroking it like I would have stroked my tiny baby's cheeks. It was such a wonderful gift and I have been so thankful for it. It has helped fill a physical need I have to hold something since I am unable to hold Joseph. I wore it on Easter along with a bracelet I had ordered after I lost Dominic. Savannah noticed them and said, "Oh, that necklace is for Joseph and the bracelet is for Dominic. It's like they are here with us." It was the only way I knew to physically have them, as well as my other angels, there with us.
While my heart has been heavy it has also been happy. I look at my children and I know that God continues to provide for us. They make me smile and they say silly things that I write down so I'll remember their innocence forever. We sing and we dance and we play. It's not all sadness, there are so many happy times as well. I cling to those moments to get me through those harder times.
Today is a happy day. It is our 19th wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that we have been married for so long. It's harder to believe we were only 18 and 19 when we got married! I look at Kaylie and think that in just 2 years she could be me at her age! It seems just so crazy. I'm sure to everyone around us then it was just as crazy. I know most people thought we wouldn't make it being so young. But we knew what we wanted and we knew how to attain it. We have worked together, relying on each other in both good times and bad and just kept loving each other through all the good and bad times. If you want to read more about that part of my life you can at my blog dedicated to my marriage... My Love Affair With My Husband.
Time is moving on and I am trying to keep up. I am basking in my childrens' laughter, I'm loving each and every day we have together and I'm struggling to move forward without my precious baby. Still, I know that as the days go by parts of life will get easier and other parts will be a struggle. With God leading us and Mike hand firmly grasping mine, I know we will get there.
I'm still struggling with this sadness and am trying to move forward but it is hard. There are so many reminders of what has been lost and how far we have to go just to be able to move forward. We are taking it one step at a time.
Easter Sunday we took a family picture in the gazebo at church. It turned out beautifully. All the kids are smiling and looking cute. The sun is shining and we are all there. While the picture is one I am going to frame it makes me sad at the same time. We are all there but we aren't.
A friend of mine sent me a beautiful teardrop necklace to help me remember Joseph. When I wear it I find myself holding it in my fingers, rubbing the teardrop, stroking it like I would have stroked my tiny baby's cheeks. It was such a wonderful gift and I have been so thankful for it. It has helped fill a physical need I have to hold something since I am unable to hold Joseph. I wore it on Easter along with a bracelet I had ordered after I lost Dominic. Savannah noticed them and said, "Oh, that necklace is for Joseph and the bracelet is for Dominic. It's like they are here with us." It was the only way I knew to physically have them, as well as my other angels, there with us.
While my heart has been heavy it has also been happy. I look at my children and I know that God continues to provide for us. They make me smile and they say silly things that I write down so I'll remember their innocence forever. We sing and we dance and we play. It's not all sadness, there are so many happy times as well. I cling to those moments to get me through those harder times.
Today is a happy day. It is our 19th wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that we have been married for so long. It's harder to believe we were only 18 and 19 when we got married! I look at Kaylie and think that in just 2 years she could be me at her age! It seems just so crazy. I'm sure to everyone around us then it was just as crazy. I know most people thought we wouldn't make it being so young. But we knew what we wanted and we knew how to attain it. We have worked together, relying on each other in both good times and bad and just kept loving each other through all the good and bad times. If you want to read more about that part of my life you can at my blog dedicated to my marriage... My Love Affair With My Husband.
Time is moving on and I am trying to keep up. I am basking in my childrens' laughter, I'm loving each and every day we have together and I'm struggling to move forward without my precious baby. Still, I know that as the days go by parts of life will get easier and other parts will be a struggle. With God leading us and Mike hand firmly grasping mine, I know we will get there.
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