Last Friday I had a follow up ultrasound to check on our newest baby. The last ultrasound had showed a slow heartrate and possible slow growth. It was a long two week wait wondering how our little one was doing. Unfortunately after getting to the ultrasound we saw that probably sometime the week before our baby had lost her heartbeat.
To be laying on the table watching another still baby just tore my heart out. I had such high hopes that this little one would make it to us and be our sweet Valentine. But it wasn't to be. We were told our options for ending the pregnancy... wait till my body started to miscarry, have a d&c, or take the medicine to induce labor like we did with Joseph. We chose the last option as we wanted to respect our little baby's body as much as possible especially since we had seen her heart beating and her moving inside.
On Tuesday, July 20th, which would have been my grandmother's 81st birthday if she was still alive, I gave birth to a very tiny but perfect baby whom we have named Sarah Elizabeth. While we don't know for sure she was a girl I felt from the moment I was pregnant that she would be a girl. I have never felt anything so surely in my life.
Once again we are in a mourning period. We are still mourning Joseph as we lost him just a mere 4 1/2 months before losing Sarah. It's almost too much for a heart to endure. But we are enduring and we are praying and we putting our lives in God's hands as we know that is the only way we are going to get through this devastation.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It seems I have been asking that alot lately but I know those prayers combined with our own are the only things getting us through. I can't explain how much I am hurting. I can't explain how much I want answers. I can't explain just how much my heart and body long to have a baby in my arms. I want Joseph. I want Sarah. I want Dominic. I want all the babies I have lost over the years. I pray that one day God will bless me with another child that will make it to my arms again.
I cherish my children who are here and know that they are the life force of this home. They, along with Mike, make every day worth living and enjoying and loving. I am focusing on them and trying to remember that we have been blessed with so much. The pain I feel from losing my babies will always be here but so will the love I feel from the children here and those who are waiting for me. I will continue to live my life open to all of God's blessings, whatever form they come in. I will continue to live my life open to His will. Oh it is so hard to live that way sometimes, especially in the face of such loss, but I just can't live any other way.
Sarah Elizabeth... I love you so much! I miss you so much already! I want so terribly to hold you in my arms, to nurse you, to cuddle you and to kiss you. You were so wanted, you are so loved. You are a very special part of our family. Sweet Sarah, my heart and arms ache for you.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Saturday, July 03, 2010
An Unsettled Heart
Yesterday marked the 4 month anniversary of Joseph's birth. It was a hard day. It was hard because I miss him so much and because I know that in a month from now I should have been holding him in my arms, welcoming him to our family, and introducing him to all his big brothers and sisters. Instead I cried into my pillow as the rain fell outside.
Yesterday was a hard day for another reason as well. We have not announced it yet but I am 8 weeks pregnant. To be pregnant brings so many mixed emotions... should we have waited longer to conceive (although we truly did what we always do and left it in God's hands? What will others think of us expecting so soon? Will the kids be ok with having another sibling after losing their little brother? Is my body healthy enough to go through a pregnancy? Is my heart healthy enough? What it came down to though was trusting in the Lord to provide us the grace we needed for whatever happened. Yesterday I had an appointment to check on this new little life that is growing inside of me. The last time I was in the specialist's office I watch the last beats of my son's heart. I was going back on the 4 month anniverary of his birth.
It was a hard day. It became even harder when the doctor discovered that our little baby isn't doing well so far. Her heartbeat is very slow and her size is small. She is behind where she should be. I will go back in in two weeks to recheck the growth and heartrate unless I start bleeding before that which in that case I go in immediately. The doctor seemed to think that the latter will be the case. It wasn't news I was prepared to hear, especially on that day in that office. My heart broke again.
I am praying for a miracle. I am holding out hope until there is just no more hope to hold out for. This reminds me so much of my posts almost 3 years ago about Dominc and holding out hope for him. I am praying for a much different outcome though.
While I know that I can never replace the babies I have lost I know that I still have that desire for more children. This new baby has been prayed for, has been longed for and is so loved already. My heart aches to be able to hold him/her but not until February when I am due!
My heart is so unsettled. I miss Joseph so much more than I can say. I have conflicted feelings about being pregnant right now... I should be pregnant with him but I love this baby so much too. The only thing I can do is to continue to put my faith in God's love and mercy and plans and know that whatever happens we will be ok. I still pray though so ferverently that this little baby will make it. I have no idea how much more hurt my heart can take. I don't want to find out. I want all my babies to be with me but I know that isn't possible. They are all in my heart and in my memories although I wish every one of them was in my arms.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The next two weeks are going to be hard to go through. The waiting is often times the hardest part... your mind gets to go just wherever it wants to in that time. It is going to take a lot of prayers to get us through.
Yesterday was a hard day for another reason as well. We have not announced it yet but I am 8 weeks pregnant. To be pregnant brings so many mixed emotions... should we have waited longer to conceive (although we truly did what we always do and left it in God's hands? What will others think of us expecting so soon? Will the kids be ok with having another sibling after losing their little brother? Is my body healthy enough to go through a pregnancy? Is my heart healthy enough? What it came down to though was trusting in the Lord to provide us the grace we needed for whatever happened. Yesterday I had an appointment to check on this new little life that is growing inside of me. The last time I was in the specialist's office I watch the last beats of my son's heart. I was going back on the 4 month anniverary of his birth.
It was a hard day. It became even harder when the doctor discovered that our little baby isn't doing well so far. Her heartbeat is very slow and her size is small. She is behind where she should be. I will go back in in two weeks to recheck the growth and heartrate unless I start bleeding before that which in that case I go in immediately. The doctor seemed to think that the latter will be the case. It wasn't news I was prepared to hear, especially on that day in that office. My heart broke again.
I am praying for a miracle. I am holding out hope until there is just no more hope to hold out for. This reminds me so much of my posts almost 3 years ago about Dominc and holding out hope for him. I am praying for a much different outcome though.
While I know that I can never replace the babies I have lost I know that I still have that desire for more children. This new baby has been prayed for, has been longed for and is so loved already. My heart aches to be able to hold him/her but not until February when I am due!
My heart is so unsettled. I miss Joseph so much more than I can say. I have conflicted feelings about being pregnant right now... I should be pregnant with him but I love this baby so much too. The only thing I can do is to continue to put my faith in God's love and mercy and plans and know that whatever happens we will be ok. I still pray though so ferverently that this little baby will make it. I have no idea how much more hurt my heart can take. I don't want to find out. I want all my babies to be with me but I know that isn't possible. They are all in my heart and in my memories although I wish every one of them was in my arms.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The next two weeks are going to be hard to go through. The waiting is often times the hardest part... your mind gets to go just wherever it wants to in that time. It is going to take a lot of prayers to get us through.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)