In the last week or two I found a blog that I really liked. I thought I bookmarked it but can't seem to find it anywhere! I left a comment there about finding the blog by looking for one thing but ended up reading about lovenox/heparin shots, something I had been searching for the night before but didn't get to her blog that way.
I have no idea if that person has ever clicked through my link here from my comment but if you have please leave me a note in the comments section! I really wanted to read more at your blog.
Please and thank you! :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sweet Boy
Mike makes fun of me because I call Ben my "sweet boy". Anyone who knows Ben though knows that it is a perfect name for him. He's just so cute and sweet! Seriously, some of the things he says just makes my heart melt and when I tell others about it they just sigh and say, "ahhhh, how sweet!" He truly is a sweet boy.I regularly update my status on Facebook with various quotes that the kids say. Many of those quotes come from Ben. I know his age is one of the factors in that... I mean, really, 4 year olds say some of the funniest things! Still, on top of that he is a deep thinker, has lots of other kids to learn from and thus comes up with some of the cutest things.
The other night I was making stirfry for supper. He was very unsure of how it was going to come out. All of the kids love Chinese food and we when we order take out Chinese they are all in hog heaven! The woman at the Chinese restaurant just loves our family and always knows it's me when I call in the order. Equally so we love her and the yummy food she makes! So I could completely understand Ben's hesistation when he found out I was making Chinese food instead of buying it.
While I was preparing the food he hovered around the kitchen. Occasionally he'd point out that he didn't think that was how the "Chinese wady" would do things. I knew he was concerned but I was pretty confident in my abilities. He didn't know that I used to cook Chinese food all the time before we had so many children.
When supper was ready he looked at it and said, "Oooooh! Dat wooks berry Chinese! Mama, you're wike a Chinese wady!" He, along with everyone else was very satisfied with their homemade Chinese supper.
Ben says so many things that just makes me smile. He's constantly telling me he loves me or that I am "bootiful". He has pet names for me like I have for him. My favorite is "Bubbie". I'll have to tell the story of Bubbie some other time, it's a funny one and something I know we'll always laugh about and remember.
Yes, Ben is my Sweet Boy. He is such a special part of my life. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me so happy I am a mother. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and keep him four forever but I know that wouldn't be right. I can't wait to see what his future holds, how he grows and how that light in him will grow brighter and brighter and spread to more and more people. He is definitely a special child that touches so many hearts. I'm just so happy he is mine and is my "sweet boy".
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Beginning Again
Yesterday I had a D&C to help my body finish what it was unable to do. It was a hard day. It was a long day. But in the end I'm glad that I did it.
I guess maybe this D&C was much easier to go through because I knew I had already given birth to Sarah and that her body was not going to be compromised through this procedure. When I had to go through it with Dominic I was never given the option to have him at home, my only option was a D&C. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out of the hospital not pregnant and no baby to show for what I had gone through. It was so difficult and lonely to walk out of the hospital that way. I was thankful yesterday that I knew where Sarah already was and that I didn't have to go through that pain of leaving empty handed again.
Still, the day was long and hard. I was awake during this D&C. I was able to hear the machine working, feel the pain of the procedure and think about all that was happening. My doctor and I talked about having a large family, about my children and about various other things. It was a very surreal time. I said at one point, "This not only hurts but it is probably the strangest feeling I have ever had too". I literally felt like my uterus was going to be sucked straight out of my body! Not quite the feeling I had been expecting. I think I thought I would feel nothing. I guess really, I don't know what I "thought" as I was more worried about how I was going to be doing emotionally.
Emotionally I was doing ok during most of it. I know what was being removed was not my baby but pieces of my placenta and lining of my uterus. As my doctor called it, "debris". It was the final pieces of my pregnancy and what had tricked my body into believing it was still pregnant. I guess to me those pieces of debris represented the betrayal my body had put me through the last three weeks. It was good to have it out. It was good to know that now my body can heal the right way. My heart might take longer but my body can begin to do what it should.
During the procedure I noticed a picture of a sweet little cartoon bunny wearing a red striped shirt holding a teddy bear by it's arm (hanging from it's hand). It was really sweet. I think that's how I'll always remember this pregnancy... my body holding on so tightly to this little baby that it needed and wanted so badly, unwilling to let go.
I'm sad in a way that all remnants of my pregnancy are now gone. It completely takes Sarah away from me physically. However, I know that it was not healthy at the same time to have those bits and pieces that tied me to her. It's strange to be happy and sad all at the same time to not be pregnant. Oh how I long to be pregnant but truly know that to stay in the state I was in was not a good thing.
Yesterday marked the true end of this pregnancy and that breaks my heart. Yesterday also marked a new beginning. I'm praying that this will help my body be able to carry another baby to term later on. I'm not sure when that will be but I know that we will remain open to God's gifts and plans for us. There have been several people who have asked us what our "plans" are in terms of trying again or being done. One was actually quite rude about it. It really bothered me as this was someone I considered a close friend. I told her that after a lot of prayer we've decided that we will continue to live as we always have. We know this will open us up for more possible loss but we just can't see living another way.
We know there will be people who question our way of living and that is ok. I wish I could convey to them the amazing graces we feel we have received from living this way. I wish I could ease their fears for my safety (I am phyiscally just fine and my doctors support our decision!) and I wish I could help them understand that while this is not a life I think everyone would love, we love it very much.
My heart and arms long for another baby. I don't seek to replace the ones I've lost I just hope to add to our family as God sees fit to bless us. I think I always will. I know I will always long for those babies I have lost. I know one day I will see them again. While I look forward to that day I also look forward to each day I have here with my children who are physically in my arms. I have been blessed beyond measure and I pray that God continues to bless our family.
I know that there are going to be days that I can't see the light. I know there will be days when nothing will stop the tears. But thankfully I know that where one story ends another one begins. I'm trying to write the first lines of that new story. I'm a little wiser, a little more tenderhearted and a little more experienced. Hopefully I can use those new qualities to write a story that's worth repeating and sharing with others. I'm beginning again and I'm scared to death. I want the story to have a happy ending but know that there may be sadness along the way. I guess any story worth reading and remembering encompasses all those aspects of life.
I'm turning the page of my new story...
I guess maybe this D&C was much easier to go through because I knew I had already given birth to Sarah and that her body was not going to be compromised through this procedure. When I had to go through it with Dominic I was never given the option to have him at home, my only option was a D&C. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out of the hospital not pregnant and no baby to show for what I had gone through. It was so difficult and lonely to walk out of the hospital that way. I was thankful yesterday that I knew where Sarah already was and that I didn't have to go through that pain of leaving empty handed again.
Still, the day was long and hard. I was awake during this D&C. I was able to hear the machine working, feel the pain of the procedure and think about all that was happening. My doctor and I talked about having a large family, about my children and about various other things. It was a very surreal time. I said at one point, "This not only hurts but it is probably the strangest feeling I have ever had too". I literally felt like my uterus was going to be sucked straight out of my body! Not quite the feeling I had been expecting. I think I thought I would feel nothing. I guess really, I don't know what I "thought" as I was more worried about how I was going to be doing emotionally.
Emotionally I was doing ok during most of it. I know what was being removed was not my baby but pieces of my placenta and lining of my uterus. As my doctor called it, "debris". It was the final pieces of my pregnancy and what had tricked my body into believing it was still pregnant. I guess to me those pieces of debris represented the betrayal my body had put me through the last three weeks. It was good to have it out. It was good to know that now my body can heal the right way. My heart might take longer but my body can begin to do what it should.
During the procedure I noticed a picture of a sweet little cartoon bunny wearing a red striped shirt holding a teddy bear by it's arm (hanging from it's hand). It was really sweet. I think that's how I'll always remember this pregnancy... my body holding on so tightly to this little baby that it needed and wanted so badly, unwilling to let go.
I'm sad in a way that all remnants of my pregnancy are now gone. It completely takes Sarah away from me physically. However, I know that it was not healthy at the same time to have those bits and pieces that tied me to her. It's strange to be happy and sad all at the same time to not be pregnant. Oh how I long to be pregnant but truly know that to stay in the state I was in was not a good thing.
Yesterday marked the true end of this pregnancy and that breaks my heart. Yesterday also marked a new beginning. I'm praying that this will help my body be able to carry another baby to term later on. I'm not sure when that will be but I know that we will remain open to God's gifts and plans for us. There have been several people who have asked us what our "plans" are in terms of trying again or being done. One was actually quite rude about it. It really bothered me as this was someone I considered a close friend. I told her that after a lot of prayer we've decided that we will continue to live as we always have. We know this will open us up for more possible loss but we just can't see living another way.
We know there will be people who question our way of living and that is ok. I wish I could convey to them the amazing graces we feel we have received from living this way. I wish I could ease their fears for my safety (I am phyiscally just fine and my doctors support our decision!) and I wish I could help them understand that while this is not a life I think everyone would love, we love it very much.
My heart and arms long for another baby. I don't seek to replace the ones I've lost I just hope to add to our family as God sees fit to bless us. I think I always will. I know I will always long for those babies I have lost. I know one day I will see them again. While I look forward to that day I also look forward to each day I have here with my children who are physically in my arms. I have been blessed beyond measure and I pray that God continues to bless our family.
I know that there are going to be days that I can't see the light. I know there will be days when nothing will stop the tears. But thankfully I know that where one story ends another one begins. I'm trying to write the first lines of that new story. I'm a little wiser, a little more tenderhearted and a little more experienced. Hopefully I can use those new qualities to write a story that's worth repeating and sharing with others. I'm beginning again and I'm scared to death. I want the story to have a happy ending but know that there may be sadness along the way. I guess any story worth reading and remembering encompasses all those aspects of life.
I'm turning the page of my new story...
Friday, August 06, 2010
The Rollercoaster of Life
I can't lie... the last several months have been hard. The hardest of my life. The rollercoaster that we have been on has taken us on so many twists and turns that I feel like I just want to get off the ride. But, I know that's not an option so I'm holding on tight and just trying not to fall out!
Slowly I am trying to get back to life. Not just get back to life, but back to living. It's been very slow going but I'm making progress. While I've always had a very positive outlook on life there have been times I just have had a hard time seeing that sunshine that I know is there. Last night I made a decision for myself. I decided that while I will continue to grieve and continue to heal I need to really be jumping back into life. I've tried to take it slowly but in the end I know the best thing for me, the best way for me to get back to living is to do it full force.
I bought a journal the day I found out we lost Sarah. I actually bought it before we knew she was gone. It's beautiful. I figured I would write all about my pregnancy with her and give it to her one day. Of course that dream ended the minute I found out she was gone but I pulled it out last night and started writing. I wrote about my pain. I wrote about my fears. I wrote about my loneliness. In the end I found that writing all that out in that beautiful journal that was bought for my sweet little baby was so healing. I gave myself permission to fill that book with all of my hopes, dreams, fears, sadness, happiness and disappointments. Maybe one day I will share it with others who could benefit from it, maybe it will be just for me. I'm not sure but I do know that writing helped. I plan to do more of it!
Slowly I am trying to get back to life. Not just get back to life, but back to living. It's been very slow going but I'm making progress. While I've always had a very positive outlook on life there have been times I just have had a hard time seeing that sunshine that I know is there. Last night I made a decision for myself. I decided that while I will continue to grieve and continue to heal I need to really be jumping back into life. I've tried to take it slowly but in the end I know the best thing for me, the best way for me to get back to living is to do it full force.
I bought a journal the day I found out we lost Sarah. I actually bought it before we knew she was gone. It's beautiful. I figured I would write all about my pregnancy with her and give it to her one day. Of course that dream ended the minute I found out she was gone but I pulled it out last night and started writing. I wrote about my pain. I wrote about my fears. I wrote about my loneliness. In the end I found that writing all that out in that beautiful journal that was bought for my sweet little baby was so healing. I gave myself permission to fill that book with all of my hopes, dreams, fears, sadness, happiness and disappointments. Maybe one day I will share it with others who could benefit from it, maybe it will be just for me. I'm not sure but I do know that writing helped. I plan to do more of it!
It's funny how a simple thing like writing can help so much. I guess it's why I have almost 6 years of writing here! I remember when my friend Angi suggested I start a blog. I didn't for a while but finally gave in. I'm so glad I did. Looking back I can see just what an amazing journey we have had. I hope that one day I can look back on the journal I have started and see that while it was hard and sad and terrible I was able to come out a better mother and wife. I hope to feel peace when I look back and know that even in the hardest times with the help of my husband, my children, my friends and my faith I made it through.
One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie "Parenthood". The main characters Gil and his wife Karen are having a conversation regarding an unexpected pregnancy they are faced with when Gil's grandmother decides to add to the conversation. She tells them about the time she was 19 and Grandpa had taken her on a rollercoaster ride. She says, "You know it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited and so thrilled all together. Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the rollercoaster. You get more out of it."
It's true that there are times that life throws us a curve that we just aren't expecting or could possibly prepare ourselves for but as scary as the rollercoaster of life can be at times I just can't imagine just riding the merry-go-round. You do get more out of the ups and downs!
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