Day 7- Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living

Normally I think this post would be about my husband Mike who is pretty much my world. However, I thought I would write about someone who has made my life worth living too and in a different way than Mike.

My oldest daughter Kaylie is, I'm sure, my twin separated by almost 21 years and born from me instead of my mom. She and I are so very similar and yet so very different too.

Kaylie has always been very special. Mike was gone when I was pregnant with her. He was serving in the Marine Corps and was overseas involved in Operation Restore Hope in Somolia. It was such a hard time for me to be alone, worrying about Mike in such a dangerous area and pregnant and dealing with several complications that arose (and pregnancy hormones!). When I went into labor I was so sad that Mike would miss the birth of his first child.

While I was pregnant I had an inkling that Kaylie would be a girl but I was holding out so much hope for a boy first. We didn't know going to her birth what her sex was. Mike desperately wanted a boy and I had always said I didn't want any girls (since I had so many sisters) and I wanted 9 boys. God has a funny way of changing our plans!

When Kaylie was born and they declared, "It's a girl!" I was shocked and overwhelmed. I admit I had a fleeting moment of disappointment as I had always wanted a boy first so that whoever followed would have the big brother I never had. And then they laid this teeny, tiny baby girl on my chest. She wasn't crying at all and just looked at me. I immediately fell in love. As they took her from me to give her oxygen my arms ached to hold her again. I couldn't believe that little girl was mine.

It was such an amazing feeling to become a mother. It's one that I can't describe and yet all mothers will understand what that feeling is. My heart was now living outside of me and while I loved Mike so much more than I could ever explain, this was a new kind of love. I looked at my new baby girl and knew what my life's purpose was... it was to provide everything I could- love, hope, goodness, material goods, education, a love of God- to this child. It was awe inspiring to finally understand what I was here for and what I needed to do.

Over the years Kaylie has kept me laughing. She's comforted me when I've cried. She makes me angry sometimes and then melts my heart when she grows from those mistakes. She is wise beyond her years, a very "old soul". I feel like she has always been a part of me, always been with me. She is a wonderful big sister, a wonderful friend to those who need her. She's so very intelligent (bordering on a genius) and yet she's such a humble soul too. While she's has her flaws, as we all do, I will say that she is such a caring, loving person that it's easy to forgive when she does make a mistake.

I feel so very blessed that God gave me this child to be my own. I love her so much and she has made my life worth living. I will be lost when she leaves for college or moves out to be on her own. I know the time is getting close, she is a senior afterall, but I'm trying to focus on the times we still have together and how I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She touches everyone she comes in contact with and I know that I am a better person for having her in my life. She makes being a mother easy and she makes being a mother a wonderful job to have. I feel confident that she will go far in life and that she will continue to impact others as she always has.

I love you Kaylie. I am thankful you are mine. You have made my life so much better just by being here.

Day 6- Something I Hope To Never Do

I guess for this post I should add the word "again" to the title. I've already done the worst thing in the world and I hope to never do it again.

I hope to never have to bury another child again.
Before we lost Joseph all the other children we had lost were lost early in pregnancy or were taken by D&C and we never had a body to bury. When we lost Joseph and delivered him we were faced with decisions we had never been through before. We suddenly needed a casket, clothing or blankets to bury our child in, we needed to decide where to bury our baby... would it be at the church or at our land? Decisions that had never crossed my mind at all now left me blindsided.

Mike and Garrett built a casket for Joseph. I was shocked at how beautiful it was. Maybe one day I will share that picture here. I was amazed at how much work went into something so small and how it end up being so perfect. I couldn't imagine that Mike could even know how to make something like that on his own. The love he put into it was unbelieveable. My heart was just so touched that those two men in my life did something so beautiful for Joeseph, for me.

Mike and I went shopping for something to bury our tiny baby in. It was such a hard trip to make. There was nothing small enough for him to wear and so we decided to wrap him in a baptismal cloth and then in a blanket we bought special for him. Mike and I didn't agree at first on which blanket to buy. I wanted something that was just so soft and cuddly but Mike wanted something that had cars and trucks and just screamed, "I'm a boy!" on it. In the end we agreed that since we couldn't dress our son in something that showed he was a boy that the blanket could say that for us. We went with the blanket with the cars and trucks on the ribbing. It was perfect.

I remember saying to Mike while we walked around the store that it was just so unreal to be shopping for the blanket that we would be burying our child in and yet no one in the store knew that was what we were there for. Just he and I knew what pain it was to buy the items we were there to buy.

When we made the decision to bury Joseph on our land we then had to decide where exactly he would lay. That decision was so hard. If we ever are able to build our home there we didn't want to ever have to disturb him but we wanted him close enough to where we would eventually build. Once we settled on that resting place we started to dig. Mike, Garrett and I took turns digging both with a shovel and with our hands. We then lined the hole with bricks and rocks so we could try to make it as waterproof as possible. Taking stones out and replacing them with just the right ones was a labor of love. I'm not sure how we got through that day. We went home knowing that Little Joe's grave was waiting for him.

The day we buried our son we brought all the kids with us. We bought white roses so that each of the kids could have a flower to lay on the grave. We placed Joseph's casket in the grave and then proceeded to cover up his casket. It was so hard to drop the dirt onto him. The kids who wanted to help, helped, the ones who wanted to watch, watched. We all held hands and prayed that God would take care of our tiny angel and that He would allow our tiny angel to always look out for us. We knew that Joseph was safe in Jesus' arms and with the other children we had already lost before him. Still, knowing that he was now in the ground was so very hard. The kids each put a flower on his grave and we left. To walk away knowing that my child was now going to be away from me was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

While I have lost another child since then we were not able to bury her in the same way we buried Joseph. I'm not sure if I would have been able to go through that same situation so soon after. Sarah's loss was hard enough but to think about going through the same senerio would have been so hard to do.

I pray that I never have to bury another child again. I know that with Joseph we were very lucky to be able to grieve in a very personal and quiet way. If one of our children now were to die and we were to have to go through so much again the inablity to grieve quietly and privately would not be there and I think it would be too much for my heart to go through.

I know that it is a possiblity that one day we will lose another child. I hope that I will die before any of my children and that I won't die for a long, long time. I have always teased Mike that we are going to be one of those amazing couples that celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary so I don't plan to die for a very long time! I pray that I am surrounded by all of my children when that happens. I never want to bury another child again. That pain is one that will stay with me forever.

Day 5- Something I Hope To Do In My Life

Oh the ol Bucket List! I have something on my bucket list that hopefully I will do sometime in the next few years. I would love to go skydiving!

Some of my kids think I'm crazy because I won't bungee jump but I'm so eager to go skydiving. I just think that once you get past that initial fear of actually jumping out of the plane that the thrill of the dive would be so amazing.

One day I'll do it. Of course it'll probably have to be when I'm done having babies but I can wait a few more years. It makes me smile just thinking about it!

Day 4- Something I Need to Forgive Someone For...

Wow, I had this post all ready to write. I knew what I wanted to say and I was going to have my post on the day it should have posted. And then I got a phone call.

All my life I have felt not near as important as my sisters and brother. I felt like I was pushed to the background for various reasons. I was the "good kid" and never really got into trouble. I was the "smart kid" and always did well in school. I really did ok in just about everything I attempted. Because of this, and many other reasons (oh the issues!!!) I was left to feel like I wasn't as important as the others, that I didn't matter.

One day my mother asked me why I was so upset. I remember sitting across from her at our kitchen table talking and she was irritated that I was so sullen. I told her I didn't want to tell her. She insisted and so I said in my tiny 10 year old voice, "I don't feel like you love me as much as you love all the others." I was crying when I said it. It was so hard to say.

My mom didn't have the reaction that I thought she'd have. I thought she would wipe away my tears, gather me in her arms and assure me that I was loved just as much as everyone else. That I was special too. Instead my mother took my glasses off and proceeded to smack me across the face many times while saying with a voice filled with rage, "I love you every bit as much as everyone else!" Oh how those strikes stung not only my face but also my heart! They left such a scar that to this day I can feel them! Afterward, she told me to go and sit on my bed and think about what I had just said.

I remember sitting on my bed thinking about how she just confirmed how much I was not loved. That was a tramatic day and one that I have never let go of. I guess if I felt like things had changed much in the last 28 years I might be able to let it go. As a mother myself, and one of so many children, I know that to react that way is absolutely inexcusible. Iknow how hard it is to juggle many personalities and needs. I know how much I agonize over making sure my children know and feel loved. I would be devastated if one of my children said that to me, but I would never react in that manner!

I confronted my mother once, 7 years ago, about how I felt as a child. She told me that at the time she did what she felt was right and that she was just trying to survive each day. She admitted that what I felt was what had happened. I guess if it had all been in my mind it might be easier to forgive but to have her admit that I was right, well, it hurt even more! I always wonder if she would change the things she did (including the one above) if she could see how it affected things now. Unfortunately that talk 7 years ago didn't change anything.

When I lost Joseph in March she was very distant and very judgmental about how we were planning to birth him at home and then bury him on the land that we own and hope to build on one day. When I emailed family and friends about our loss I never heard a single word back from her. In the months that followed she never once asked how I was doing, even though we talked on the phone. Finally, I asked her about it. I told her how hurt I was that not once did she ask about me, did she ask about Mike. I told her that if she didn't know what to say just saying, "I'm praying for you. I love you." would have been more than enough. I also confronted her about her lack of interest in our lives. Her responses didn't make me feel better, in fact they made me feel worse.

At that time I told her that for 20 years I have been trying to get her to have an interest in my life and now I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. That I wasn't sure I wanted or needed that in my life. I know I crushed her. I don't think she realized how much she had truly hurt me. I felt horrible but at the same time I was so tired of feeling hurt and of my children feeling hurt. I wrote an email to my mother later that day saying that I didn't really want her out of my life but that I needed to feel like I wasn't the only one making an effort to have a relationship. I told her that I loved her and that I missed her. Over the next few months my mom and I have started talking again. She is making an effort and I am trying to let go. Forgiveness is the easy part, letting go of the hurt is the difficult part. Still, I am trying and I truly am making an effort. I still love my mom and I still want her in my life.

So this takes me to the phone call that I got just hours before I planned to post here. My mom called me on the 11th to tell me that she had gotten some tests back from her doctor's office. She has fought cancer twice now and won. She had called me to tell me that the cancer she has now is terminal. We talked about what they can and can't do for her and we talked about what she plans to do now. I cried to her that I didn't want her to leave us. I have never meant those words so much as I did that day.

When we got off the phone I thought about this post. All those hurts from the past are still there. My mom and I were trying to patch up what had been broken and now we might not be able to mend it all. I'm trying to forgive all those hurts especially knowing that I really don't want any of that to be between us in her last days, weeks, months, or hopefully years. My heart hurts so much knowing that so much time has been lost by both of us... by her for not seeing what an amazing family we have here and by not truly getting to know us. And I have lost so much time by holding on to those past hurts and applying them to the new ones that have been made. While I have truly tried over the years I know in the last few years I have pulled back so much so I wouldn't get as hurt. Perhaps I should have still been trying, never giving up.

I plan on making the most of the time we have left. I want her to know that she raised a wonderful woman who is now raising amazing children, who has a wonderful husband and the best life I could hope for. I can only hope that she will make the effort too. If she doesn't it will be hurt I don't know that I will ever get over.

When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive. ~Alan Paton

On A Happy Note

I had my ultrasound Monday and saw a perfectly formed, perfectly growing baby who's heart was beating at a perfect rate. It was a wonderful appointment and I was thrilled and relieved to know that so far things look good for this tiny person who is growing inside of me.

I told both of our parents yesterday and told a couple of my sisters as well. I am planning on telling everyone early this time. I have decided that even if we lose this baby I would rather that everyone had known about him/her instead of no one recognizing that this little life existed. That was very difficult to go through with Sarah. There are so many who still don't know she was here and that she was loved and wanted. I want everyone to share in this life with us no matter how long or short it may be. We know there will be naysayers but that's ok. Those who love and support us will be the people we focus on!

If you can continue to pray we'd appreciate it!

Day 3- Something I Have To Forgive Myself For

This topic is really hard for me. I don't forgive myself very easily for my mistakes, either the ones I knew would be mistakes or the ones that I innocently made. Still, there comes a time when you need to let go.

Over the last 8 months I have worried and wondered if there was something I did to make my body lose Joseph. I know I didn't do my insulin shots religiously, there were many I missed because I was just too busy to make time to do them. I think about when I started bleeding just a week and a half before we actually lost him and the doctor suggested a modified bedrest. I was too busy to listen. I have 9 other children who needed my attention. I had responsiblities to the church, to groups we belong to, to neighbors and friends. I didn't slow down. I think about the things I ate... did I eat too many things high in sugar? Was the cheese I ate a friend's house that came from a baby shower and she had no idea what kind it was on the list of cheese's that are a no-no for pregnant women? I took a sip of a beer just days before finding out Joseph was gone. I don't even like beer but had a sip.

Did I make it so that my son didn't live?

In reality I know that there were signs of problems before these things. We believe Joseph probably had Down's Syndrome based on a few tests we had done. We know his heart was not right, you could see how it beat on ultrasound and know that not only did it beat way too fast but it did not flow in the normal manner. So while we will never know since we didn't do any genetic testing on him, we do know that there were signs of problems beforehand.

Still, it doesn't make it any easier on me. I still blame myself.

I know that I need to forgive myself even if none of my actions led to my son's death. It's so hard to do though. I think I will always question and wonder. I look at my actions with my next pregnancy with Sarah and know that I did everything right that time including bedrest and insulin shots. I didn't eat anything I shouldn't. I didn't go anywhere, exert myself, or have a sip of beer. We still lost that little baby too. I know I should look at that and see that perhaps what happened with Joseph was just what was meant to be but I know I'll always question if I could have changed things.

Forgiveness is difficult. I find it much more difficult to forgive myself than I do others. I often wonder if others feel the same way.

Day 2- Something I Love About Myself

Hmm, as I thought abou this question I wondered how you can write about something you love about yourself without sounding conceited. There are lots of things I love about myself if only because of my faith in God and the realization that God created me perfectly in his image.

However as I thought about the topic I realized that there are two things about me that I really love a lot. The first is my faith. The second is my fertility. Both though go hand in hand.

My faith teaches me to be open to life and we live that life even though it is a hard one. Still the graces and blessings we have received from living that way are so great. While not everyone who is open to life is near as fertile as I am I know that because of my faith my fertility has stuck around a lot longer. Not because I think God is rewarding me over someone else but because if I didn't have the faith I do, the openness to life, then I might have decided before to do something to affect my fertility and we wouldn't have so many children.

My fertility has been a blessing to me but it has also caused me so much heartache. With losing two children this year alone and so many others in the past being so fertile has been a double edged sword. We know for us that even if we are more than a week out from ovulation that I can get pregnant and that means we are opening ourselves up to the heartache of possibly losing a child again. It's a very hard way to live.

I guess all of this is on my mind today (actually last night but Kaylie was on the computer so I couldn't post!) because today we have our first ultrasound to check on our newest baby. Today will either be a wonderful day or a very terrible one. I'm praying so hard that this time our attempt at bringing #10 into our family will be successful.

I love being pregnant. I love having life inside of me. I love feeling kicks and hiccups and wondering what the newest baby will be like. I love everything about being pregnant and I am thankful for such amazing fertility that has allowed me to experience pregnancy and new life over and over again. I love the faith that I have in God that allows me to put myself in this place time and time again. I love that God believes in me as well and blesses us so richly.

Day 1- Something I Hate About Myself

Sorry for the delay! I really expected to start this right away and then life just got in the way! ;)

I have been mulling over this for about a week now and wondering what I should write about. I seriously have thought about this post probably a few dozen times in the past week. I thought about writing about several different things, I even sat down and started typing. But in the end I decided that I couldn't write about the things I considered.

So I had to think hard to find something I truly hate about myself. When it came down to it I couldn't find a single thing that I truly hate. Sure there are things I really dislike (my weight, my nose, my inability to say no sometimes, etc) but those are things aren't things that I hate, just dislike.

I guess when it came down to finding something I hate I just didn't find anything. Perhaps it's my "Pollyanna" personality but to me, focusing on the things that you dislike is really a waste of time and energy. I don't like how much I weigh but I know it's a direct result of back to back pregnancies and illnesses. I won't always be this weight and if I was truly honest with myself I could start doing something about it now. But right now there are other things I am focused on, Mike doesn't mind how I look (and actually I think he likes that I am "soft" right now! LOL) and the kids all love me for who I am, not how I look. So when I think about it my weight isn't something to hate.

Nor is my inability to say no to people sometimes. There are times I wish I didn't take on so much but in the end I know that not only will I get it done but others will benefit from my help. It all works out and being kind and giving isn't something to hate.

There were other things I considered as well but honestly when I looked closely at the things I thought maybe I could "hate" about myself I found that I didn't hate them... they make me who I am. I like who I am and I trust that God knows what He is doing with me. There's an old saying that "God doesn't make junk" and I agree with that. But to take it one step further I think that while I might do things that are disappointing sometimes God still loves me for all my flaws, Mike still loves me, my children still love me and there is nothing about myself that is "hateable".