Today marks the one year anniversary of our son Joseph's birth. It's amazing to me that a year has gone by already. I clearly remember the day that I found out that my son was gone. Just the day before I had cried with a friend as she found out her baby was gone. It was a very surreal experience to know know that my child was gone too the very next day. Just two days prior we had both been happy, laughing about sharing our pregnancies and babyhood together. It was unreal how quickly things changed for us both.
The day I found out that Joseph was gone I drove to a park and sat in my car and cried for hours. How would I tell my children that another sibling was gone? We were supposed to be out of that "danger zone". What went wrong? I was devastated. I had lost babies in the past but never this late in pregnancy. Never after seeing a heartbeat 6 separate times. Never after feeling that little one kicking and squirming.
I would have never thought that losing Joseph was just going to be the start of continual losses and sadness. The past year has been so hard on us. I'm not sure how we have gotten through it all. I can't even begin to say how much I miss my babies.
I think of my little ones every single day. Lately they are all that occupies my mind. I am trying so hard to heal. If Joseph had lived and made it to his due date he'd be just about 7 months old now. He'd be crawling and getting into things. He'd be laughing and cooing and snuggling. I'd nurse him when he was hungry and rock him when he was sleepy. I'd sing to him the same songs I have sung for all my babies when they are small. I caress his cheeks while he slept and whisper in his ears just how much I love him. Oh, if I could have him in my arms!
My heart hurts so much. I want my babies. I need my babies. I wish I could understand God's plan for us. I wish I knew what all this hurt was about. I trust God to lead me but I am hurting every step of the way. I know my babies are all safe in Christ's arms but there are days that I am selfish and wish they were in my own instead.
Joseph, I miss you every single day. I love you so very much. I can't tell you how much I miss you. You were here for such a short time but you will be in my heart until the end of time. I love you forever.