Last night I had the most vivid dream. It's not unusual for me to have such vivid dreams but many times when I wake I might remember little snippets of the dream and tell myself that I will have to write it down so I don't forget. Of course time gets away from me and I don't write it down and I'm left wondering what it was I dreamt about in the first place.
I have also suffered all my life, including into adulthood, from night terrors. For many years after we were married it wasn't unusual for me to wake screaming, running out of our room only to be coaxed back to bed by my husband. Unlike most people who suffer from night terrors, many of those scary episodes I end up remembering because of how terrifying and vivid they are. It's funny how with regular dreams I can't remember much, but with night terrors, I remember almost everything... it goes against the "norm" when dealing with those sorts of things.
I bring these up because dreams have always been a huge part of my life. I get stories from my dreams that I end up writing down for my kids. I face the demons that in my regular life I can't stand up to; all those fears and past hurts come out in my dreams. Of course I also dream about beautiful things too... things I want to remember and want to hold tight to. Unfortunately as I stated above, many times those dreams leave me upon waking while the terrible ones stay with me for a long time.
However, last night I had a very vivid dream. One that normally I wouldn't have remembered. Still, I woke up wondering if it was a dream or if it was real. Sadly, it was just a dream but thankfully I can recall every detail about it. I dreamt that I gave birth to a little girl (in my dream I knew it was Sarah). I had no doubt about who she was. In my dream however, instead of losing her so early on she ended up being delivered at term but was stillborn. I remember holding her to tightly to me. I held and held her. I wanted so desperately for her to live but I knew she was gone. I left the hospital and we went to the church. We were going to bury her. I was carrying her around in a blanket waiting for the time to come to say goodbye. People were looking at her, telling us how beautiful she was and how sorry they were for our loss. Suddenly she started to move. Slowly she opened her eyes and began to cry. She was alive! What happened was a miracle and I knew in my dream it was because of my love that she was able to live. As I looked down and into her eyes I felt an amazing peace. She had completed me and the hole in my heart was healed.
I woke up wishing so badly that the dream was true. It's funny how your mind works to tell you what your heart is hiding from the world. I know the dream was spurred on by a website I happened to look at last night. Bountiful Babies is a website that makes and sells kits to make vinyl babies. I had found the site from a sewing site and clicked through. As I looked through the babies (they are adorable!) I found myself wondering if I could send them a picture of William and have them make a baby of his size and that would look like him. I know thinking of that sort of thing was what prompted the dream last night. That desperation to hold my babies again is just overwhelming some days. Yesterday was one of those days.
It's frustrating to me to be doing so good at one point in the day and then see something that just brings me back to the point of crying out to God, "Why?!" I know that one day I will see all my babies again but for now I guess holding them in my dreams will have to do.