This week I have been sick. Probably more sick than I've been in a long time. It started out on Sunday as a sore throat and by Wednesday was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. My head was so dizzy that to just move to reposition in the bed sent me spinning. To get out of bed to go to the bathroom almost made me pass out. The kids gathered around my bed and looked at me and said, "Mama, are you... ok?" with worried looks on their faces. It's rare that I am that sick. But this bug, a cold bug, a flu bug, I'm not sure what kind it is, has really knocked me for a loop.
I went to the doctor today to make sure that I was ok. I was worried that having been so sick was not only terrible for me but was going to have a bad effect on the baby I am now pregnant with. I've been waiting to announce my pregnancy for a couple reasons but today showed me that I really want it announce it for the world to know about in case something goes wrong that I can have as many people praying for us as possible. Also, I just want the world to know that this little one exists. It's so important to me that this life be validated and cherished.
The midwife listened to my concerns about cramping, about being sick, about not feeling flutters this week. When we first listened for the baby's heartbeat we didn't find it right away. My heart stopped. But then we heard a beautiful little galloping sound of the baby's heart. I cried on the exam table. The midwife, not knowing my full story (I'm seeing a new set of doctors), looked at me a little questioning and just said, "Well, once you get past the time you lost some of your other babies you will feel so much better." I told her I didn't think so as what we have gone through has been so traumatic and that I probably wouldn't relax until I was holding this baby in my arms at the end of my pregnancy. I then told her a brief overview of how we lost William and all that we endured not only with him but with the others as well. Her mouth dropped open and she rubbed my shoulder and said, "I promise you that you will never be treated that way here. I'm so very sorry. We are here for whatever you need." Through my tears I thanked her and told her it meant a lot to me to have such good care.
Driving home I thought a lot about how the week has gone. On top of being sick one of my very dearest friends lost her baby this week. My heart is aching for her knowing all that she is going through right now. As I got sicker and sicker this week and started cramping all I could think about was how I could very well be losing my baby too. The thought was just too much. I cried the entire way home from the doctor's office. I cried tears of joy and relief that our baby was ok. I cried for Kristi and for her family and the pain she is feeling now and will continue to feel. I cried thinking of all we've gone through and how my babies should be safe in my arms but aren't. I cried until my head hurt and my eyes hurt and till my nose ran even more than it was before.
Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant. Our baby looks perfect. I keep thinking about how we've been at this stage before only to go to lose our precious little one. All I can think is how much I want to be able to hold this baby in March when I am due and no sooner than that. I know that I don't "deserve" another child (so many people keep telling me that I do!) but oh how I want one! I know my wants are not often what is best for me and I just keep praying that God will allow me to bring this baby to term and for him/her to join our family in March. The thought of losing this baby has me scared to death. I know that if we do lose the baby I will get through it but how will I come out on the other side? How will Mike come out? The kids? Driving home today I cried because I was so happy I didn't have to come home and tell my children bad news. I got to tell them their tiny sibling was ok. On the way to the doctor's office I thought about how I would tell them if the baby was gone... I was so thankful not to have to say those words. It would have killed them every bit as much as it would have killed me.
I am trusting in God to hold us in His hands. I know that ultimately His plans are best and I am just thankful that He trusts me so much to bless me with another life, no matter how long I have them, to take care of the best I can while they are in my care. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we try our hardest to welcome another baby to our family March 17, 2012 (or thereabouts!)