William holding my hand
Yesterday I did something very hard. I shared the complete story of how William came into this world. I didn't leave out any of the details even though many of them were intense and extremely personal and hard to write about. But I had been asked to share William's story on a website that I write for. Because yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance day I felt like his story, our story, would help others become aware of amazing life is even at it's earliest stages. I also hoped to bring forth to light how important it is to treat those who have lost a child with respect and dignity. If we could touch just one life then maybe sharing our story would be worthwhile.
I'll admit, I was scared to do so! Apart from a very few people and what I've shared here, I had not shared my story with many. On top of that I worried about sharing William's pictures. Now that they are on the internet they might not be used for the purpose I hope. I don't want my son's life exploited. To some he'll just be a neat picture, to me he's my life. Those pictures are a reminder of the perfection I held for such a short time, of what I miss each and every day. To say it was hard to share them is an understatement.
I wanted to share them here because I feel like if I am going to share them with anyone I should share them here where people who have been by my side giving me support, allowing me to cry when I needed to most.
My son is such a big part of me. I miss him so much. I feel an incredible sense of loss. That pain hasn't gone away, it's still there, only now I can control my feelings a little better. This week has been so hard for me. I had a scare with our newest baby at the beginning of the week and ended up at the hospital on Tuesday. I was having contractions, severe pelvic pressure and no movement from our baby in 2 days. On the way to the hospital I realized that I was at the same time as I was when I lost William. My heart screamed in pain. I cried to God to please let our baby be ok, that to have to go through this again was something I might not be able to handle. The scare of possibly losing this baby made the loss of William fresh again. Seeing our new baby's heart beating on the ultrasound and seeing him kick around helped me relax but it didn't dry the tears that I have once again been crying several times a day. Knowing that my cervix is changing already and that I have to be on modified bedrest scares me as well and makes me think of the last time I was confined to bed... just two short weeks later I was holding my son to my chest willing life back into him. To say it's been a hard week is an understatement.
I'm glad I shared William's story but at the same time I almost regret it. Many people at church today had no clue what to say to me. Some couldn't look at me. Some walked away as I walked to them. It made me even more sad and lonely to think about. I know they just probably didn't know what to say to me but to not say anything, not even a hi, was hard on me. I'm hoping it is temporary and that things will be different when I am up at the church later this week and when we go to Mass next Sunday.
Thank you to those of you who read here and who have supported me through all we've been through. I can't even begin to tell you how much your words have meant to me, not just with William's loss but with all our losses and with all the ups and downs we've been through. I am thankful that my friend Angi got me into blogging. It's such a wonderful way to look back and see how far we've come, to keep memories that might have otherwise faded on us and to hold on to those most precious to us when they are gone from our arms.
If you feel like reading the entire story of William's life and death you can read it at the Catholic Sistas website or you can click the picture above as well. It has been helpful and hurtful for me to share it. I'm praying that God does something wonderful with the story and with William's life. I'm praying that his life can change others.
William's perfect foot, he left his footprints on our heart
4 comments:
I'd always walk toward you, kiddo.
You know where to find me if you need anything. And I really do mean that. If you still have it from before, my cell number is even still the same as it's always been.
I'm still completely sickened when I think about how you and William were treated. The coldness and lack of compassion some people have is disturbing. Thanks for sharing the pictures, they're heartbreaking and beautiful <3
What you went through makes me so angry... but that cute little foot... bless him. I wish I had a magic wand that worked, so much to change with it... but it's not to be, the miracle from this will be if someone sorts out that set of staff in the ER and makes them see what ... insert rude words.... they can be.
I don't know what comes over some medical staff, but sometimes they behave like they are gods and we are nothing. If you want to work in a hospital please remember it's not a Walmart, these are people you are dealing with. Grrr
Thank you for sharing, such perfect little fingers and toes, such a shame we are such complicated creatures to make, such a miracle that any of us make it to being born really when you think about it.
You know how I feel about what you went through...
This post and the other one you wrote are both heartbreaking and beautiful (he was beautiful and the way you wrote it is beautiful) at the same time.
xo
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