Too Many Names

Tonight we attended a Rememberance Service at the funeral home who took care of William for us before his burial. It was a touching night. After we went through so much with his loss it meant more than we could say to have him remembered in such a beautiful service this evening.

I was suprised when several weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail to the service. I was touched because so many didn't view William's life worth anything and here the funeral home, who deals with the deaths of young and old, could see just how important his little life was. I wrote down the date and decided we would attend.

With William's birth day coming up so quickly I have to admit I haven't been doing so well. It's hard to keep a smile on your face when you just keep thinking about how a year ago your life was so different and that in the blink of an eye you are changed forever. Thankfully I have being doing an "I'm thankful for... " post on Facebook each day and that has helped me to focus on the things that are so good in my life. Without that I don't know how I could have kept my spirits up.

Tonight we packed up the kids and went to the service. The chapel it was held in was so full. It broke my heart so see so many people... so many who had lost loved ones over the course of the year and so many who were hurting as I was. It also made my heart smile to know that all those people were honoring their loved ones too. They hadn't forgotten how special they were and they wanted to acknowledge just how much they meant to them.

As the service started we prayed and asked the Lord to help us remember the good times and how special our loved ones were to us. I sat there thinking about how I had been robbed of the "good times". I didn't have that many memories. But I focused on the few I had... the ultrasounds where I saw him moving and wiggling, of feeling his tiny kicks inside of me, of the kids rubbing my belly. Still, it made me sad that my memories were so few. I have many memories after we lost him but most of those are terrible and hard to bring to mind without a cascade of tears.

After the prayer we had the reading of the names, too many names. As they announced they would start I braced myself to hear William's name read aloud. I wasn't prepared to hear his name be the first read. I gasped and started to cry. There were people around me watching me, I'm sure wondering who William was and what he meant to me. Some stared and I found myself feeling silly for having such an intense and very public reaction. I wiped my eyes with my hanky and tried my best not to cry. It was useless though. The tears started and didn't stop. I missed many names before I was able to stop my tears. The names read on and on. It broke my heart to hear so many names. To know that there were so many people whose lives were changed in a blink of an eye. People all around me sharing their loss with me. Of course our losses were different but in the end we all had the same result, we were missing our precious loved one.

When the reading of the names was over we each lit a candle that we were given upon arriving. As one candle lit the next the lights were dimmed and soon we were all sitting in the candlelight. It was beautiful. We proceeded outside where we sang Silent Night and their Christmas tree was lit. We were told that the lights on the tree signified the lights of our loved ones and would remain burning day and night until the end of the Christmas season. Finally we were each given an angel ornament to put on our own Christmas trees to remember our lost loved ones.

The night was cold and rainy and it matched my heart. But the lights of the candles and from the tree reminded me that even though it can be cold, dark and rainy that the light will always shine through. The key is to keep looking for the light and always focusing on it instead of the cold and darkness. I'm trying to remember that. Some days it's hard.

As we near the first anniversary of William's birth and death I am clinging to my faith and my hope. I'm praying that God will bless me with the ability to see the good in people and remember that He is always there, even when it feels dark and alone. His light is always shining and I just need to focus on that.

I miss my son. Last year at Christmas I was in a fog. It was hard to focus on anything. This year that fog is gone and I can see clearly how difficult this will be. I'm not looking forward to the pain. I'm not looking forward to the tears. I'm not looking forward to Christmas without my son. He should be crawling now and laughing and getting into things. He should be chewing up the wrapping paper and bows and smiling from ear to ear over all the attention he gets. Of course I know that instead he's spending Christmas in heaven and truly there's no better place to be but I'm selfish and want him here with me.

I am thankful for so much still. Thankful I was chosen to be his mother for what little time I had him. Thankful for the lives he's touched by sharing his story. Thankful that we could remember him tonight in such a beautiful service. We are blessed and I am praying that I can focus on those blessings instead of focusing only on the pain.