Reflections

This week has been a very hard one to go through. It has been a very sad reminder of how much we've lost, not only last year, but in all our years together. Losing William was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, or hope to go through. His loss, the circumstances surrounding it, and things that have followed it have changed my life forever.

Last year at this time I couldn't imagine that I would be carrying another little boy under my heart and awaiting his arrival in the spring. As I layed on the hospital bed I silently prayed and begged God to let me hemorrhage so that I would never have to experience the physical, emotional and spiritual pain I was in at that moment. Thankfully God didn't answer that prayer. I keep trying to remind myself that God knows best, as he did that night, and that the things we go through now, or will go through in the future, are all better than the plans I could come up with on my own.

On Tuesday, a day before William's birth/death date, I went to the church to drop off a couple of my girls to help with cooking for a party that was coming up for Christmas. While there we saw that they were also preparing for a funeral. I found out that it was for a baby that had died at full term. The mother had placenta previa and her beautiful son didn't make it. I knew that I needed to go and talk to that mother. I found her, her husband and daughter sitting in the church next to their baby boy. They were receiving visitors before the funeral. No one was with them so I took the opportunity to stop and talk to them. Before I could open my mouth to introduce myself I started to cry. I tried my hardest to tell them who I was and that I knew their pain. I let them know that the next day was the year anniversary of losing our son. When they asked if our son was buried in the church cemetery I told them that their son would be right next to mine. I tried my hardest to assure them that while the pain is all encompassing right now that it will get better. I told them I was sorry and that I understood their pain. I told them that I would be praying for them. I told them if they ever needed anything that I was there and gave them my name and number. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Oh how that visit made things even harder for me this week! To see that tiny baby lying there took my breath away. To know that pain they were feeling tore my heart open. To know that this Christmas they will be crying and mourning instead of laughing and rejoicing made me remember our Christmas last year where all I could think about was crawling back into the bed and crying myself to sleep again. I relived those days last year so vividly this week. I'm still reliving them now.

I keep telling myself that perhaps being there that day helped them see that life will go on and they will begin to heal. I also wonder though why I needed to relive that so that now I am in so much pain all over again. I have no idea why God puts us in the places He does. I can only hope that the pain I feel now has a redemptive aspect for them.

I know that this Christmas will be a much different one that last year. I am looking forward to seeing my children open their gifts. Last year it was all I could do to fake a smile at their happiness. I know that I will enjoy Christmas supper. Last year I couldn't eat and I wanted to crawl in the bed and cry. I cried at the table during prayer and then again while we were eating. It was hard to just get through the day. I know this Christmas is going to be better but I know that we are still missing so many around our table. I know that my heart is still bleeding from this open wound. I am trusting that God will see me though the coming days.

I know that all that we go through makes us the people we are. I'm not sure if there is a way to become the people God hopes us to be with less suffering or not. I wish there was but I think there isn't. I can only pray that God uses these sufferings for something good and beautiful.