So Angry

I'm trying my hardest to keep my emotions under control but two things have come up in the last two days that make me so angry that I'm having a hard time with it.

The first is that I talked with the hospital today and the person who was leading the investigation into all that happened to us at the hospital when I gave birth to William told me that she has "talked" with those involved and that things will be better. That no one else will be treated the way we were treated that day. I asked if anyone lost their jobs over the issues. She said no, that they decided that things will improve and that they are changing their policy that only certified nurses can work in the ER triage for now on. While that is a great change it isn't enough. The horror that we went through that day, that we have dealt with for the last two weeks and will continue dealing with deserves more than just having people "talked to". Unfortunately it looks as if we will have to proceed further with this. I really don't want to.

The second thing that makes me so angry, and actually hurts my feelings as well, is something that one of Mike's coworker's wife said to Mike. She called him on Friday to let him know that someone was trying to get ahold of him for an informant. At the time she called he was at the cemetary with our son preparing William's grave for his burial later that day. He told her where he was and what he was doing. He told her that he didn't have anything to write the information down on so he'd have to get it later. She responded with a comment, "You know, that should be illegal to have so many kids. You know you guys are just going to go out and make another baby anyway."

Holy cow! The fact that we have so many children should be of no consequence to anyone. We take care of our children, providing for their needs and quite honestly they are some of the best kids I have ever known! The fact that we've lost 3 this past year and that we've lost so many others should also be of no worry to her. Where in the world does she get off telling my husband that it should be illegal for us to have so many kids. How insensitive to say that we'll just go out and make another anyway!

Back in 2007 when I was expecting Dominic she constantly made comments to me that I should just give her the baby since I could make more (she could not have children). When we lost Dominic she never made another comment again about me giving her a child although later she did go on to make snide comments to her husband about not being perfect and not having 10 kids like some people. I know part of her words are out of jealousy and perhaps hurt that she can't have children. I also know that some of them are a result from her addiction to pain pills. Still, those reasons are not reason enough to be insensitive and mean. It is never ok to be that way. I would never treat someone like that and it hurts to be treated like that. It hurts even more for my husband to be treated that way. He hides his pain so much and for him to mention it to me means that he was hurting a lot over it.

Sometimes the trials of life are made worse by those around us... people who don't think before they speak. People you hope will be there for you but aren't. People who just don't care about anyone but themselves. It sure does make healing harder.

I hate feeling angry. I hate even more though that people are so insensitive and rude. I hate that the "system" is the way it is and that we are going to have to go through more grief and stress to have the system changed. I wish we could change some of those around us like we hope to change the hospital system. Unfortunately some don't want to change and are perfectly content with being mean and rude and uncaring. I feel sorry for those people. I think you have to be pretty miserable in your life to be so terrible to others.

I've resolved to pray for this woman but it's going to be hard. I'm praying for those at the hospital that treated us so terribly. I'm praying for wisdom to know what to do in terms of the hospital. I'm praying for me... for strength and hope and trust. I know that not everyone out there is uncaring, disrespectful and hateful. It sure seems like I've run into a lot of that lately though. It sure makes it harder to move forward.

Anxious For The New Year

2010 was a hard year for us, probably the hardest year we've ever had. I was ready to see it go. Last night we opened the back door at midnight to let the old year out. As we closed the back door we opened the front to let the new year in. I had never done this before and had only read about it yesterday. I figured it was worth a try to get rid of a year that was so incredibly hard.

Yesterday we ended the year by burying William. I can only think that as hard as it was to close out the old year with something so very sad that the new can only get better. I'm praying that is so anyway.

With this new year at hand I am hopeful. I am hopeful that we will heal and that we will continue to find joy in all that we have been blessed with. We have so much to look forward to this year and I am hoping that with each new day we experience happiness amid the sorrow; joy among the pain; and faith when we start to doubt.

I found a quote the other day that I just loved. It says, "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne. It sums up my hope and wish for the new year. I am praying that in the quiet we will find the happiness that hid in the sorrow so many times this year. I know that we will continue to grieve, but I also know that we will go on. We will pick ourselves up and continue forward, trusting, loving and reveling in God's love and blessings.

As I have looked back on our year through my writings I am reminded how many wonderful things occured in the year 2010. Yes, we suffered tremendously and we still suffer, but we experienced so much joy, so much love and so much happiness. My husband showed me every day how much he loves me, my children brought me more joy than I could ever imagine, making me laugh each and every day, and my friends were there when I needed them most. While there were some very hard times, times I wouldn't wish on anyone, there were so many wonderful times mixed in.

I am praying for the new year to bring us more joy, more happiness and less sorrow. However, I know that whatever the new year brings we will get through it together, as a family, and will come out stronger and closer in the end. I am wishing each of you the same blessings... that God will bless you with people who love you more than anything, with laughter and smiles, hope and faith.

This new year is a blank story... I am anxious to see how it is written. God bless and I can't wait to hear your stories as well!