A Prayer Request- With An Update

We decided to be on the safe side and get things checked out to make sure that I am ok physically. We know that they have told us that all we had to wait was a couple months to make sure my cycle was normal again before either trying to conceive or just allowing whatever to happen, whenever God chose to see fit. I wanted to make sure, especially given the fact that my mom died of cancer (spinal cancer that had migrated from her uterine cancer), that I am ok and don't have anything more than the fibroids, endometriosis and adenomyosis that I have previously been diagnosed with.

I went for an appointment Monday and had a regular "lady" check up. Things looked good so we scheduled an ultrasound for today to check for any unseen problems such as thickening of the uterus or other problems. I had the ultrasound today and now am waiting for the doctor to call me back. The technician measured something inside of my uterus (directly in the center of it) and did not look like a fibroid to me. Fibroids are normally embedded in the lining and are not as distinct looking as this thing was. The tech also normally makes comments about the fibroids. This time she just measured and said nothing. At the end she said, "The doctor will call you after he has reviewed the ultrasound".

In my life I've probably had a good 100+ ultrasounds. I've never seen something like this before. I'm praying that it is nothing and that I am worrying for nothing. If you could say a prayer or two for me to have not worry and to trust in God that things are ok or will be ok regardless of what happens I would appreciate it! I am scared to lose my fertility. I'm scared that I have cancer. I'm scared that there could be something really wrong. I am hoping the doctor will call soon so I don't have to worry so much or so I can figure out what to do next.

UPDATE: The doctor's office called yesterday to say that they were concerned and wanted to have a better look. They want to do an ultrasound where they inject saline into the uterus to do so. I am praying for just a confirmation of the things I already know I have but also know that they are looking for bigger problems now. Of course in doing online research I know that one of the things they are looking at now is uterine cancer. I'm holding out hope that this isn't the case. Please continue to pray. I go in May 12 for bloodwork and May 13th for the next ultrasound. I am scared to death but trying to remember that if I end up losing my fertility I will go on. It is a huge part of who I am and I know I'll be devastated but in the end I know that my life is more important and that I have so many beautiful blessings now. Still, I am hoping and praying that one day I will be able to have another child and hold a miracle baby in my arms.

Baby Robins

Today when I took Savannah and Emma to dance practice I had an errand to run so I dropped them off and went quickly to do what I needed to do. When I came back I sat in the car directly in front of the small building they were in.

The girls kept coming out (all the girls, not just mine) to look at something. They'd have a frown on their face and I'd hear an "awwww" from them. When one class ended one of the other girls came out and I overheard her tell her mom what was going on. It seems that a robin had built a nest on the beams above the door and one of her babies had fallen out of the nest and died. Unfortunately it was covered with ants and no one could do anything about it. The girls were all coming out to have pity on the little bird.

My girls stayed inside for the next practice (they have separate dance times so we are there for 2 hours). During this time I watched the mama robin fly back and forth from the tree to the beam. I watched her hop on the ground in a protective way. I could hear the tiny chirps of the other baby birds in the nest. I felt sad for the mama for losing her baby and for her being so distressed over it. Pretty soon she flew off to the tree and didn't come back. The tiny chirps had stopped too.

When practice was over my girls came out and I heard them gasping by the door. I got out of the car to see what was happening. It seems that nest had completely fallen from the beam and the two tiny birds that were left had fallen out and were killed. I went to my car to get something so I could pick them up and off the payment. I put them in the nest and took the nest to the base of the tree. It was so sad to pick up their tiny lifeless bodies. They were so small, so new, so beautiful in their own little way.

Savannah told me that when they had gotten there before the nest had fallen and one of the other moms had put it back up on the beam. The first time it fell two tiny birds were killed. One had already been overcome by the ants but the girl's mom took the other and put it in the grass. Here I thought the mama bird had lost 3 babies but it turned out it was four. While I don't pretend to think that the bird felt the kind of loss we as human do, I do feel she felt lost and bewildered, perhaps even frantic over it.

Picking up those two tiny birds was hard. I tried to be gentle and I tried to show all the girls that I was respectful of them as well. They were living creatures and it's sad when one dies, especially like that. The experience today stirred up some feelings I was trying to keep down. Is it silly that I could relate to that mama bird? I've been thinking about it all evening.

I know my little ones have wings of their own now. I know they are soaring. But I still feel like that mama bird... frantic and wondering what happened.

I Do

Today Mike and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. There were so many people who thought we would never make it. We were married less than a year out of high school and the odds were stacked against us. I was only 18 and he was only 19. But we knew what we wanted and what was best for us. We had dated for 3 years prior to getting married and while that didn't really prepare us for marriage it did show us how much we loved one another and how much we truly wanted to be together.

The last 20 years have been filled with the best and worst times of my life. We have been on incredible highs and felt the bottom of incredible lows. But through it all we have been together, holding each other up and holding tight to one another. Our love has seen us through more than we could ever imagine... war, military deployments, births of our children, deaths of our children, death of a parent, job changes, buying a house, surgeries and sicknesses, times of feast and times of famine. We have held each other through all the good times and bad.

I know that I am very blessed to have Mike in my life. He is my other half, my soulmate and my love. I can't imagine my life without him. I thank him for this incredible life he has given me, that we have given each other.

I love you Mike. I pray we have so many more years together. I am so happy to be your wife and your friend. You are an incredible man and I am so very fortunate you chose me to spend life with you. Words can't begin to tell you how very much you mean to me and how very much I love you.

If you were to ask me today if I would marry you all over again my answer would be a resounding "I Do!" I do today and always take you forever. I love you!

Alone

I feel alone. I know that I'm not... I'm surrounded by lots of children, my husband, caring friends but I still feel alone.

My heart hurts so much lately. I am trying so hard to heal and some days it feels like I am, but then night comes and I am alone again.

I want my baby. I want him back more than I can even say. I feel bad because while I hurt with the others I lost I have never hurt this badly before. It's not a reflection on how much I loved each of them but I guess a reflection on all that we've been through... not just with William's pregnancy and delivery, but within the whole last year and with losing Joseph and Sarah as well.

I feel wrong for admitting that my hurt is so much deeper this time. That it is so difficult to heal. I know it's not wrong to feel this way but I do feel bad for feeling it. I try my hardest to make sure my living children know how much they are loved and that I don't make any of them feel less wanted or loved and I can only hope my babies in heaven know this too.

I want so badly to be pregnant. That desire for another baby hasn't just gone away, it's still there always beckoning me, every day, all day long. It's never far from my mind. It's every bit as strong now as it was with my very first baby. It's a funny thing how that desire just grabs hold of you and doesn't let go. It's almost a slap in the face to feel that way... I don't want to think of it all the time but I do. It makes my loss that much more prevalent to me.

I have been praying so hard for peace with all of this. Praying for God's will to be done in my life, but it's so hard to pray that prayer. There was a time when I lost Joseph last March that I couldn't pray the Our Father because I couldn't say those words, "Thy will be done". It was just too hard. It's even harder now but I know I have to pray those words because I can't do it on my own and God's plan will be much better than my own.

I feel alone. I know I'm not. I have my husband, my children, my friends and most importantly God, but sometimes, I still feel like I'm walking on this path by myself.