Kaylie's Graduation!

On Saturday we celebrated Kaylie's graduation from high school. We had a graduation party for her complete with 100 guests, lots of great food and a video that highlighted Kaylie's life from birth until now. It was a an amazing success! We all had so much fun and we got to celebrate our daughter who brings us such joy it's unimaginable!

On May 15th, Kaylie was able to wear her cap and gown and "walk" for her graduation at a Baccalaureate Mass at our church. All the seniors who were graduating, no matter from what school they attended, wore their caps and gowns to Mass and were celebrated at Mass. It is such a great time for the kids since they can be proud of their accomplishments and they can stand together, not as all coming from the same schools, but as coming from the same faith background. It's always wonderful to see all the seniors up front in the church but this year even more so when our daughter was there with all those amazing teens.

Each year the Knights of Columbus give out two scholarships to the seniors who exemplify certain characteristics... teens who are outgoing and give back to their community through their involvement in school activites, youth group activities and areas they engage in on their own. They look for the teens who are willing to give more than they get and who give so with an open heart. They look teens who not only serve the community but serve the Lord as well. Kaylie was chosen to receive one of these scholarships! I was so very happy for her because while she never expects to be honored for what she does it is always nice to be recognized sometimes. As her mother I know what a kind and giving child she has always been. I was so thrilled for her that others recognize that in her as well. We are so very proud of the young woman she is becoming... always putting others needs before her own, giving when she can and humbly serving even when it's hard to do.

We have so much to be proud of! We have high hopes and dreams for her but we know her own hopes and dreams will come before our own for her. We know that she will do well in whatever she chooses to do. I am so very proud of her. It's amazing to think of her as a tiny baby swaddled in my arms... she was so amazing then and I didn't think I could love her any more than I did at that moment. But time has shown me that it is possible to love her more and more each and every day. We've been blessed to have Kaylie as our daughter. I can't imagine our lives without her. I can't wait to see what her life brings her and what roads she decides to travel on. Wherever she goes we've told her that we are always her ready to guide her and walk with her, listen and understand, cherish and love. She has the whole world in front of her. I can't wait to see her take it by the tail!

Life Is Precious

Even if others don't think so...

We met with the lawyers who think that given my past miscarriages and the fact that I was on bedrest prior to going into the emergency room that we won't be able to prove that the hospital could have saved William. They aren't sure they can defend the case well enough to be able to hold the hospital accountable. The way the ER laws have changed here in GA they make it difficult to prosecute the emergency room at all. It's very disheartening.

Honestly, I understand that we can't prove that William would have survived if I had gotten proper care but that shouldn't matter... what happened was I not only didn't receive care upon going to the ER but when I finally did receive care it was substandard care. We can't prove that he would have lived but they can't prove that he wouldn't have died had they treated me properly.

It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that my son's life and death have no meaning to so many. While I wish they would have respected me while I was there more than anything I wish they had respected my son. While he may have still died it didn't have to be in the manner in which it happened. All I wanted was my son to be given dignity and respect. He was given neither.

I'm not sure which way to turn now. I have another lawyer who is looking at the case for me but if he says that there really is no hope for trying the case then I will let it go. My heart hurts telling our story over and over again. It hurts to know that William's life was so unimportant to so many people. I want justice for him, for me, for our family, but I don't know how many times I can go through hearing "we can't help you" and feeling like my son's death was in vain. If we could have at least prevented this from happening to others then I would have at least purpose in retelling the most horrific experience of my life. But as it stands it sounds as if we can do nothing.

Please keep this in prayer as I just really want justice for our family. I want the hospital to acknowledge that my son's life was precious and they should have done everything possible to protect his life too. I would have gladly given my life for him as he was that important and precious to me. I know the hospital left me to suffer, but they left my son to die. It's just not fair that no one can do anything to make this right.

Taking on a Giant

I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm hoping that things will the way I hope they do. On Thursday we are talking to a lawyer about what we can or can't do to hold the hospital accountable for all that we went through for Williams birth and death. I've never been inside a lawyer's office before. I've never sued someone or been sued myself. I never thought I would be in the position I am in right now.

I don't want to go to court. I don't want to sue the hospital. Unfortunately, the hospital is not doing anything to rectify what happened and make changes to insure that it never happens again so I feel like we have no other course of action than to take them to court. I have no idea if we even stand a chance to be honest. They have changed the laws here so that it is harder to hold the emergency room accountable for their actions (or not acting). While I understand the concept that in an emergency situation you may have to use unorthodox means to treat a patient I also know that the hospital didn't use unorthodox treatment but had absolutely no treatment when I needed it.

It has been an internal battle for me as to whether or not we should proceed with suing the hospital. I tried my best to go up the chain of command at the hospital to get the results I had hoped for. But in the end I was left knowing that little would be done to change the practices that were occurring. It hurts my heart to think of something similar happening to anyone else. In the end it comes down to making sure that never happens again.

So, we are going to see whether or not we will be taking on a giant. I feel like David standing next to Goliath. Surely there will be justice in the end. I'm putting my trust in God to see us through this. He has seen us through so many other situations that I know He will be there with us through this as well. If we find that we can't do anything I'm not sure what I'll do. I suppose I will know that I've tried everything I can but I'm not sure I'll have a settled soul. I hope I will.

I want my son to be acknowledged and to be honored. I want his life to touch others and to have meaning. I know it does already for me but I want his short life to have an impact on others and to perhaps save someone else's child.

I am still grieving my son. I still cry for him. I want to hold him and kiss him. I miss him terribly and he's on my mind constantly. I know I can't ever know if the hospital could have saved my baby but they could have tried. If they couldn't have saved him they could have at least given him respect and dignity. I'm still so angry that they didn't.

I know that life isn't guaranteed to be fair and that's ok. But sometimes, just sometimes, the underdog should win. I am taking on a giant and am praying the underdog will win this time.

Cancer Free!!

I got a call today from the nurse after I called and left another message to her. I had asked that they call me even if they didn't get my results in yet just so I wouldn't obsess over the weekend about it. She said they results had just come in and she had just found my chart. The doctor had not reviewed the results yet but she knew me well enough to call me and tell me that the results say there is not only no cancer but no precancer either!

I told her that she had just made my night, my weekend, my year! I was so happy I almost started crying on the phone with her. She told me that I couldn't tell him that I already knew since he hadn't signed off on it yet. I told her that I wouldn't say a thing to him! But, since he doesn't read here he won't know that I already know!

Thank you so much for your prayers! I am praying that now we can move forward and that one day I'll be able to successfully carry another baby to term. We'll see. I'm still trusting in God that He will take us where we need to be. It's been a bumpy road but one where we've learned so much about ourselves, our friends and our faith.

I have always felt blessed but today I feel even more so. I feel like I have been given a second chance at living, loving and trusting in God.

Quotes of the Day

On of my favorite things to do on Facebook is to list a quote of the day as said by one of my kids. I'm not sure how many people like reading them, or if they find them as funny as I do, but it helps me remember those great things I always want to remember my kids saying. I've shared them here before but thought I might share a few now. :)

Overheard while Ben and Anna were playing (Ben with a hooded towel on his head like a cape) "Tell the Holy Spirit to hurry up! We've got to go!" I like that he recognized the Holy Spirit as a super hero!

Conversation of the day between Ben and the cardiologist's office: Ring! Ring! Ben,answering the phone when he's not allowed to, "Hello? Yews gots the wrong number. I'm just a wittle boy." and he hung up! LOL They called back laughing so hard!

Conversation of the day... Emma, "Mama, what did they throw at your wedding?" Me, "Birdseed." Garrett, "At my wedding they are going to throw... " Emma, interrupting, "Rocks?" tee hee... so funny!

Conversation of the day: Ben, "Mama can me and Carowine take a bath?" Me, "Yep!" Ben, pumping his fist in the air, "Come on Carowine... hot water!!" LOL the perks of taking a bath before the bigs kids use up all the hot water!

I'm glad I have so many little people here to keep me laughing all the time. Laughter is the best medicine!

Waiting...

They say patience is a virtue. By now I am one of the most virtuous women around! No, seriously, I'm not but sometimes I feel like I sure do more than my share of waiting.

I went on Friday for my ultrasound. While there they decided to do two biopsies of my uterus. Oh the pain of that! He had told me that it was the most painful procedure they do in the office and I'm sure he was right. While he was doing it I tried not to let the tears slip down my cheeks and when he asked if I was ok I replied, "Ah, it's not as bad as childbirth so I'll be ok!" Joking helped me get through it but the rest of the morning was shot due to cramping and pain.

We talked about what they saw in the ultrasound. There seems to be something in my uterus but they aren't sure what. He said it didn't look like a fibroid and it didn't look like a polyp. They tried to see if there was any blood flow to it, they saw nothing. He talked about some possible "banding" and mentioned some term that even had the technician going, "What? I've never heard of that. What is it?" He repeated the term and said he probably wasn't saying it correctly but it could be a synechia, scar tissue that builds up and normally only causes problems in early pregnancy (early miscarriages) and actually wouldn't have had an effect on my later losses. He said that we would wait to get the biopsy results back that we would talk about further options.

So, we are waiting the prescribed 7-10 days that it takes to get the test results back in. Waiting to find out if there are cancer cells present is a hard waiting game to play. I've been trying to keep busy (and thankfully have been able to stay very busy!) but it's always there in the back of your mind regardless. I'm praying hard that we won't see any kind of cancer cells, either pre-cancerous or full blown) so that we can move on. Thank you for your continued prayers. I need them to help me be more virtuous. I've always been a patient person but this is testing my limits.