Sharing A Piece Of My Heart

William holding my hand

Yesterday I did something very hard. I shared the complete story of how William came into this world. I didn't leave out any of the details even though many of them were intense and extremely personal and hard to write about. But I had been asked to share William's story on a website that I write for. Because yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance day I felt like his story, our story, would help others become aware of amazing life is even at it's earliest stages. I also hoped to bring forth to light how important it is to treat those who have lost a child with respect and dignity. If we could touch just one life then maybe sharing our story would be worthwhile.

I'll admit, I was scared to do so! Apart from a very few people and what I've shared here, I had not shared my story with many. On top of that I worried about sharing William's pictures. Now that they are on the internet they might not be used for the purpose I hope. I don't want my son's life exploited. To some he'll just be a neat picture, to me he's my life. Those pictures are a reminder of the perfection I held for such a short time, of what I miss each and every day. To say it was hard to share them is an understatement.

I wanted to share them here because I feel like if I am going to share them with anyone I should share them here where people who have been by my side giving me support, allowing me to cry when I needed to most.

My son is such a big part of me. I miss him so much. I feel an incredible sense of loss. That pain hasn't gone away, it's still there, only now I can control my feelings a little better. This week has been so hard for me. I had a scare with our newest baby at the beginning of the week and ended up at the hospital on Tuesday. I was having contractions, severe pelvic pressure and no movement from our baby in 2 days. On the way to the hospital I realized that I was at the same time as I was when I lost William. My heart screamed in pain. I cried to God to please let our baby be ok, that to have to go through this again was something I might not be able to handle. The scare of possibly losing this baby made the loss of William fresh again. Seeing our new baby's heart beating on the ultrasound and seeing him kick around helped me relax but it didn't dry the tears that I have once again been crying several times a day. Knowing that my cervix is changing already and that I have to be on modified bedrest scares me as well and makes me think of the last time I was confined to bed... just two short weeks later I was holding my son to my chest willing life back into him. To say it's been a hard week is an understatement.

I'm glad I shared William's story but at the same time I almost regret it. Many people at church today had no clue what to say to me. Some couldn't look at me. Some walked away as I walked to them. It made me even more sad and lonely to think about. I know they just probably didn't know what to say to me but to not say anything, not even a hi, was hard on me. I'm hoping it is temporary and that things will be different when I am up at the church later this week and when we go to Mass next Sunday.

Thank you to those of you who read here and who have supported me through all we've been through. I can't even begin to tell you how much your words have meant to me, not just with William's loss but with all our losses and with all the ups and downs we've been through. I am thankful that my friend Angi got me into blogging. It's such a wonderful way to look back and see how far we've come, to keep memories that might have otherwise faded on us and to hold on to those most precious to us when they are gone from our arms.

If you feel like reading the entire story of William's life and death you can read it at the Catholic Sistas website or you can click the picture above as well. It has been helpful and hurtful for me to share it. I'm praying that God does something wonderful with the story and with William's life. I'm praying that his life can change others.

William's perfect foot, he left his footprints on our heart

A Time To Heal

Owen Michael, lost January 29, 1992, my first lost child

There is a website that I have loved since the day I found it. I don't remember when it was just that I was hurting. Names in the Sand showed me that I was not alone. While I hated that so many other people were going through losses and hurting like I was it was comforting to know that I wasn't the only person out there hurting so badly. It's very hard to help someone understand the love that a parent feels for their child if the other person is not a parent themselves. That love is just something you can describe. Of course once the person becomes a parent they suddenly understand not only that love but equally how hard it is to explain that love.

As hard as it is to describe that love a parent has for their child, it's equally as hard to be able to describe the feeling of losing a child to someone who has never gone through it. I have to be careful here what I say because I don't want to lessen anyone's pain but there are even varying degrees within the loss of pregnancy... at least for me there has been. With my very, very early losses it has been heartbreaking but not pure devastation as much later losses were, particularly William and Joseph. Not to say that I didn't love those who I lost so early as much as I did as the others but I guess the amount of "trauma" that went with those losses just made them harder to go through I suppose. I don't know if it is because I have had others to compare to (which I don't wish on anyone) or the fact that I got pregnant almost immediately, often with the first cycle, after early losses, but those that happened later were just harder for me to handle. Being able to hold the baby in my hands or arms and kiss their tiny heads maybe made it even more difficult to move forward.

I have pictures of my babies who were lost at later dates. I have memories of them... of holding them, of counting their fingers and toes, of kissing their tiny heads. I am so thankful for that. As painful as it was I know I am blessed to have those things. I know for most of my other losses I had nothing, and that is hard.

This past week our family went to the beach for vacation. I've never been able to afford to hire Names in the Sand to write my children's names for me. As beautiful as they are and as much as I have longed to do so, there was just no way. I have lost 12 babies... too many names to write in the sand. There was no way I could choose to write one name and not the others. It didn't feel right to me. So, I never did it. This week I decided to undertake writing all my babies' names in the sand. I had to use the sunrise instead of the sunset since the beach we were on was facing east. There were several days I couldn't write at all because of cloudy weather. Still, after several days I was able to write all 12 babies' names in the sand.

Lily Ann, lost November 21, 2008... Madison's twin

Samuel Lee, lost February 26, 1998... twin to Savannah

Joseph Isaiah, lost March 2, 2010

William Nathaniel, lost December 21, 2010

I am not sharing all the pictures here. I felt like maybe that would be overwhelming. But to share these precious ones will have to represent all of our babies who wait for us in heaven.

It was overwhelming for me to write their names in the sand and to see the sun shining on them. It was comforting until the sea came to wash their names away. In just a moment they were gone, washed away with no sign they had been written there. Only the person who wrote the name knows it once was on the shore. Often that's how it feels when we lose a child. It feels like their names our written on our hearts but washed away so quickly for everyone else around us. It hurts to know that sometimes we are the only ones who think of those little ones wanted and loved so dearly.

I'm glad, that as hard as it was, I was able to write all their names in the sand. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to see them shining in the sun, the light of God touching them as He touched me at the same time. I miss my babies so much and am still hurting a tremendous amount. I don't talk about it with much of anyone anymore as I know others have moved on and think I should too. It's not that easy to do though. I know that this was a healing moment for me... I got to name outloud all my children. I got to validate their lives in a special way. I got to remember them all at one time. It was a beautiful thing to do.