Pass the Flu Bug Please

Harmony

2012-01-16T21:31:00.002-05:00

Last year, when Garrett made his Confirmation I was one of the chaparones when he went on his retreat prior to his Confirmation. At the end of the retreat we each took a rock and wrote what was holding us back from having the relationship we are wanting with not only God but with each other. Afterward we threw that rock, and whatever was holding us back, into the lake, ridding us of that obstacle. Finally, we reached in a bag and withdrew another rock that was smooth and had a single word engraved into it.

To be honest I don't remember what I wrote on my rock that was holding me back. I guess when I threw it away I truly released it. However, when I pulled my new rock out of the bag I was a little disappointed. Supposedly this would be the area of our lives that we needed to concentrate on and work towards doing better at. When I reached in I pulled out a rock with the word "harmony" engraved on it. I wanted family or love or something of that nature. I remember thinking about why I might have pulled out the word harmony. I thought about my life, about my relationships, not just with my immediate family but with my extended family and with friends. When I really thought about it I knew that harmony was the place I needed the most work.

It used to be that I was the peacemaker in my family and within my circle of friends. Over the last 8-9 years though I become disheartened when people didn't want peace, they wanted to fight, they wanted to believe the worst about people, they wanted to hurt others. I found myself becoming hurt and feeling bad a lot of the time. I made the decision that I was done with that. I was done with people walking on me, taking me for granted, hurting me over and over again and getting away with it. I took it on myself to protect me and my family. I grew a hard shell around my heart. I stopped trying so hard to be the peacemaker.

What I found was that my life had less harmony in it. Those people who were acting so mean and cruel were still mean and cruel. Those people who took advantage of me still tried to do just that. Those people who wanted to hurt others still hurt others. The difference though was now there wasn't someone willing to help bring peace and harmony to all those hurting. On top of that I was still getting hurt and then feeling worse that I didn't do anything to stop the hurting of others.

I didn't tell anyone what I pulled from that bag. I just held onto it and decided to pray about it. When we went to Kansas City in July of last year Kaylie found a jewelry set in my inlaws basement. She asked my mother-in-law if she could have it. My mother-in-law said she could. She brought it to me and said she found something that she wanted me to have. The set had a beautiful jade colored necklace inside with an inspirational rock that said "harmony" on it. She said she didn't know why but when she saw it she thought of me. Talk about being hit over the head with a 2X4!

I told her the story of me pulling out a rock with the word harmony on it and that this seemed to me to be my wake up call that God was indeed telling me that I needed to really work towards harmony once again in all areas of my life.

So why am I thinking of this now? Well, there is some disharmony in my life and it's really bothering me. It has to do with one of my sisters and a very bad choice I believe she is making. I have talked to her about it and have since been "put in my place". It would be one thing if I hadn't been asked for my opinion but I was and so I gave her my truthful answer. It's not that I am against her but I am for peace and unity within her family and I know she won't achieve it through the means she is going about it. I have no idea what to do now. I want harmony. I don't want her to hurt but I also want what's best for her and because I am away from the situation I can see things perhaps she doesn't, or perhaps she doesn't want to see. I am not the only person to give her the advice I have given but I am the one she has cut off.

Harmony is hard to come by. It seems the harder you work for it the harder it is to come by sometimes. It's frustrating. My prayer for today is that I don't have to work towards harmony on my own. That those around me work towards it too, especially those I love.

New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-02T22:22:00.002-05:00

I wrote a piece about New Year's Resolutions over at the Catholic Sistas page. This year I'm using reverse psychology on myself. I made up a list of things I'm going to "do" knowing that I always fail at my New Year's goals. That way when I fail I actually win! I'm not sure many who've read it so far have gotten my concept and maybe they think I'm not taking it seriously. But it's meant to be a funny piece on New Years Resolutions and how to ultimately keep them. I'm hoping I'm able to fool myself into truly keeping my goals :)

So, what are your New Years Resolutions?

Tales From the Side of the Tub

2012-01-01T15:43:00.003-05:00

Otherwise titled "How I Spent My New Year’s Eve"

After scrubbing my bathtub and cleaning the bathroom yesterday I bent over to pick something off the ground and felt something pop in my back. For weeks now it’s felt like my back might be trying to go out but yesterday it did. I made my way to my bed and layed down. I immediately knew that this was going to impede my New Year’s Eve plans. Not that I had much planned out with Mike, Garrett and Savannah being gone, but sitting on the floor playing a mean game of championship Candyland was now out of the question.

Later, after eating supper I decided to soak in the bathtub for a little while to see if it would ease any of the pain in my back. I went to my room and undressed, got in the tub, turned on the water and started so try to relax. Then Anna decided that she might need to “help” me through my warm water therapy.

Anna, “Mama, do you think taking a bath is relaxing?”
Me, “Yes, sometimes.”
A, “Yeah… except when someone comes in and bugs you, right? Like when Madison or Caroline bug you in the tub. They just talk and bug. Well, Caroline is the whiny one and Madison is the a-nnoy-ing one. Aren’t you glad they are in bed? I think I’m going to keep you company.”
M, “Yes, very glad they are in bed. Thank you for keeping me company.”
A, shrieking a small shriek, “There’s a spider over here! I’m going to kill it!” She runs out of the bathroom into my room to get a shoe. Coming back she hits the spider several times, finally getting it and it lands on the side of the tub. I flicked it off and said thank you. She giggled at where it landed and the shrieked again since it was not all the way dead. She hit it over and over again until there was no denying it had met its maker.
M, “Now you need to clean him up!” She did and then came back.
A, now at the side of the tub, pulling back the curtain which I closed for a little bit of privacy, “So, are you just going to lay there? Or are you just going to sit? When Bella and me sit in the tub together thewater goes way up.”
M, “I’m just going to sit here for a little bit and see if it helps my back.”
A, “Hmm…. your bathroom is clean. You know our bathroom isn’t very clean. Hey did you know that Madison got soap stuck in her hiney? I thought it was funny.”
M, “Ummmm…”
A, getting up from the side of the tub and going near the toilet, “I like that you have magazines in your bathroom. That way if you are pooping you can just sit and read a magazine too. We don’t have those in our bathroom. Oh! Look at this big one. It’s about houses. I think I’m going to read this one!” (she starts flipping through a house plans book and then brings it over by the tub) “Look at this one! I like this one!”
M, “Yes, it’s very nice.”
A, “And it has a fountain! I wish we had a fountain!”
M, “Yes, a fountain would be nice.”
A, “So, does the water help your baby too?”
M, “ I suppose so. It helps relax my whole body so it relaxes him too.
A, “That’s nice. Baths are relaxing.”

Ben enters the bathroom to join in our party.
B, flinging open the rest of the curtain, “So, whatcha doing? Taking a bath? “
A, “She is taking a bath, it’s relaxing! “ At which point I figured it was not worth arguing about if I was relaxed or not.
B, “Why are you just laying there?
M, “Well, I’m trying to let my back rest and maybe feel better.”
B, “That’s weird. “
A, “Yeah, she’s just been sitting there.”
B, “So, is your baby taking a bath too?”
M, “Yes, I suppose he is.”
B, “What happens if he dies?”
M, “I would be very sad.”
A, “Yeah, me too.”

Ben, running off down the hall now, yelling for Bella, “Bella! Hey, come quick… Mama’s taking a bath!” Isabella came running down the hall, into my room and then into my bathroom.
I, “So, you’re taking a bath?”
M, “Yes.”
I, “That’s so weird.”
M, “Why?”
I, “Because you’re naked!”
M, “Well how do you take your baths?”
I, “I lay down.”
M, “But you are naked aren’t you?”
I, “Yes, I guess, but it’s weird that you are naked in the tub!”
A, “Yeah, it’s pretty weird.”
B, “So, when is it candy time?”
M, “Well, we’ll have candy in a little bit.”
B, “Ok, I can wait.”

I turn to be on my side instead of sitting upright.
Anna, super interested in this newest change of events gets up on her knees on the side of the tub, “So, now you’re going to lay in the tub on your side?”
M, “It appears that way.”
B, also getting on his knees on the side of the tub to have a better look for himself, “Yes, she’s on her side now.”
I, “Does it feel better to be on your side?”
M, “Not so much but I thought I might try something different.”
B, “I bet I can touch the other side of the bathtub without falling in!”
A, “Me too!”
M, “Please don’t do that because if you fall in you’ll land on my legs and hurt my back even more.”
B, “Would we hurt the baby too?”
M, “Possibly. It’s better if you just don’t do it.” They both got off their knees and sat on their hineys on the side of the tub.
B, “I was wondering something… why do mamas get milk in their boobies? I mean, they get big and everything. Look at yours… they are big and they have milk.” (insert a big deep sigh from me here)
M, “Boobies only have milk if the mama has a baby. I don’t have milk yet. When the baby comes I will.”
B, “Then why are your boobs SO big?”
M, “I guess I just am made that way.”
A, “Yeah, those are some big boobies!”
M, “I think we need to talk about something different.”
I, “It’s my turn on the Kinect!” She runs off to play her turn.
A, hearing Lady Gaga on the Kinect takes off running to see what’s going on. She comes back singing, “Poka, poka, poka face! Bella is dancing to Poker Face!”
B, “This is fun.”
M, “Sure is.”
A, putting her feet in my bath water, “I like taking baths too. Maybe I could take one.”
B, putting his feet in the water too, “Yeah, your water feels good! Why is your water warmer than ours when we take a bath?”
M, “I don’t know. I guess because you guys take baths one after the other and the warm water gets used up.”
B, “Yeah, that’s true.”
Isabella, running down the hallway after her song is done, “I’m back! Now I’m sweaty!”
M, “Guys, I think it’s time you left the bathroom so I can get out and dry off.“ (not that I was worried that they would see me naked, by now that wasn’t the issue but it was nice to have an excuse to make them go on!
A, “Ok, let us know when you are done so we can come back. I don’t want you to be bored tonight!”

This 30 minutes of my New Year’s Eve wasn’t what I was expecting it to be but I’m sure it’s one that I won’t ever forget. It reminds me of similar conversations I had with Savannah and Emma(and Bella and Anna were tinier!) when they were about the same ages. It’s funny how our lives change over time and what makes us smile and how priorities change. I know that even though I really hoped for some peace and quiet while I nursed my hurt back that me sitting talking with them for that time probably meant the world to them. I’m not sure they will remember the exact conversation but they will remember being able to sit and talk to me while I sat awkwardly in the tub. Ah, New Year’s… I always love being surrounded by the ones I love, this just takes it to a different level.

To read my of my previous adventures with Savannah and Emma perched on the side of the tub, click here :) http://georgiamama.blogspot.com/2006/01/joys-of-taking-bath-with-onlookers.html

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T23:16:00.003-05:00

From our family to yours...

Merry Christmas! May God's blessings be with you now and always!

Reflections

2011-12-24T00:09:00.002-05:00

This week has been a very hard one to go through. It has been a very sad reminder of how much we've lost, not only last year, but in all our years together. Losing William was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, or hope to go through. His loss, the circumstances surrounding it, and things that have followed it have changed my life forever.

Last year at this time I couldn't imagine that I would be carrying another little boy under my heart and awaiting his arrival in the spring. As I layed on the hospital bed I silently prayed and begged God to let me hemorrhage so that I would never have to experience the physical, emotional and spiritual pain I was in at that moment. Thankfully God didn't answer that prayer. I keep trying to remind myself that God knows best, as he did that night, and that the things we go through now, or will go through in the future, are all better than the plans I could come up with on my own.

On Tuesday, a day before William's birth/death date, I went to the church to drop off a couple of my girls to help with cooking for a party that was coming up for Christmas. While there we saw that they were also preparing for a funeral. I found out that it was for a baby that had died at full term. The mother had placenta previa and her beautiful son didn't make it. I knew that I needed to go and talk to that mother. I found her, her husband and daughter sitting in the church next to their baby boy. They were receiving visitors before the funeral. No one was with them so I took the opportunity to stop and talk to them. Before I could open my mouth to introduce myself I started to cry. I tried my hardest to tell them who I was and that I knew their pain. I let them know that the next day was the year anniversary of losing our son. When they asked if our son was buried in the church cemetery I told them that their son would be right next to mine. I tried my hardest to assure them that while the pain is all encompassing right now that it will get better. I told them I was sorry and that I understood their pain. I told them that I would be praying for them. I told them if they ever needed anything that I was there and gave them my name and number. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Oh how that visit made things even harder for me this week! To see that tiny baby lying there took my breath away. To know that pain they were feeling tore my heart open. To know that this Christmas they will be crying and mourning instead of laughing and rejoicing made me remember our Christmas last year where all I could think about was crawling back into the bed and crying myself to sleep again. I relived those days last year so vividly this week. I'm still reliving them now.

I keep telling myself that perhaps being there that day helped them see that life will go on and they will begin to heal. I also wonder though why I needed to relive that so that now I am in so much pain all over again. I have no idea why God puts us in the places He does. I can only hope that the pain I feel now has a redemptive aspect for them.

I know that this Christmas will be a much different one that last year. I am looking forward to seeing my children open their gifts. Last year it was all I could do to fake a smile at their happiness. I know that I will enjoy Christmas supper. Last year I couldn't eat and I wanted to crawl in the bed and cry. I cried at the table during prayer and then again while we were eating. It was hard to just get through the day. I know this Christmas is going to be better but I know that we are still missing so many around our table. I know that my heart is still bleeding from this open wound. I am trusting that God will see me though the coming days.

I know that all that we go through makes us the people we are. I'm not sure if there is a way to become the people God hopes us to be with less suffering or not. I wish there was but I think there isn't. I can only pray that God uses these sufferings for something good and beautiful.

Reasons to be Merry

2011-12-09T23:26:00.007-05:00

Reasons to be merry:

1. We got a new kitten who is already spoiled! His name is Schmitty the Kitty

2. The tree was put up and the kids are so happy!

3. Our elf, Chris is back and is getting into Christmas mischief

4. St. Nicholas visited and filled the kids (and Mike's and my) shoes with candy!

5. The kids are super crazy and so excited for Christmas to get here!

6. Our sweet little man is still safe and snug inside and due March 17th.

Too Many Names

2011-11-29T23:47:00.003-05:00

Tonight we attended a Rememberance Service at the funeral home who took care of William for us before his burial. It was a touching night. After we went through so much with his loss it meant more than we could say to have him remembered in such a beautiful service this evening.

I was suprised when several weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail to the service. I was touched because so many didn't view William's life worth anything and here the funeral home, who deals with the deaths of young and old, could see just how important his little life was. I wrote down the date and decided we would attend.

With William's birth day coming up so quickly I have to admit I haven't been doing so well. It's hard to keep a smile on your face when you just keep thinking about how a year ago your life was so different and that in the blink of an eye you are changed forever. Thankfully I have being doing an "I'm thankful for... " post on Facebook each day and that has helped me to focus on the things that are so good in my life. Without that I don't know how I could have kept my spirits up.

Tonight we packed up the kids and went to the service. The chapel it was held in was so full. It broke my heart so see so many people... so many who had lost loved ones over the course of the year and so many who were hurting as I was. It also made my heart smile to know that all those people were honoring their loved ones too. They hadn't forgotten how special they were and they wanted to acknowledge just how much they meant to them.

As the service started we prayed and asked the Lord to help us remember the good times and how special our loved ones were to us. I sat there thinking about how I had been robbed of the "good times". I didn't have that many memories. But I focused on the few I had... the ultrasounds where I saw him moving and wiggling, of feeling his tiny kicks inside of me, of the kids rubbing my belly. Still, it made me sad that my memories were so few. I have many memories after we lost him but most of those are terrible and hard to bring to mind without a cascade of tears.

After the prayer we had the reading of the names, too many names. As they announced they would start I braced myself to hear William's name read aloud. I wasn't prepared to hear his name be the first read. I gasped and started to cry. There were people around me watching me, I'm sure wondering who William was and what he meant to me. Some stared and I found myself feeling silly for having such an intense and very public reaction. I wiped my eyes with my hanky and tried my best not to cry. It was useless though. The tears started and didn't stop. I missed many names before I was able to stop my tears. The names read on and on. It broke my heart to hear so many names. To know that there were so many people whose lives were changed in a blink of an eye. People all around me sharing their loss with me. Of course our losses were different but in the end we all had the same result, we were missing our precious loved one.

When the reading of the names was over we each lit a candle that we were given upon arriving. As one candle lit the next the lights were dimmed and soon we were all sitting in the candlelight. It was beautiful. We proceeded outside where we sang Silent Night and their Christmas tree was lit. We were told that the lights on the tree signified the lights of our loved ones and would remain burning day and night until the end of the Christmas season. Finally we were each given an angel ornament to put on our own Christmas trees to remember our lost loved ones.

The night was cold and rainy and it matched my heart. But the lights of the candles and from the tree reminded me that even though it can be cold, dark and rainy that the light will always shine through. The key is to keep looking for the light and always focusing on it instead of the cold and darkness. I'm trying to remember that. Some days it's hard.

As we near the first anniversary of William's birth and death I am clinging to my faith and my hope. I'm praying that God will bless me with the ability to see the good in people and remember that He is always there, even when it feels dark and alone. His light is always shining and I just need to focus on that.

I miss my son. Last year at Christmas I was in a fog. It was hard to focus on anything. This year that fog is gone and I can see clearly how difficult this will be. I'm not looking forward to the pain. I'm not looking forward to the tears. I'm not looking forward to Christmas without my son. He should be crawling now and laughing and getting into things. He should be chewing up the wrapping paper and bows and smiling from ear to ear over all the attention he gets. Of course I know that instead he's spending Christmas in heaven and truly there's no better place to be but I'm selfish and want him here with me.

I am thankful for so much still. Thankful I was chosen to be his mother for what little time I had him. Thankful for the lives he's touched by sharing his story. Thankful that we could remember him tonight in such a beautiful service. We are blessed and I am praying that I can focus on those blessings instead of focusing only on the pain.

Sharing A Piece Of My Heart

2011-10-16T16:27:00.008-05:00

William holding my hand

Yesterday I did something very hard. I shared the complete story of how William came into this world. I didn't leave out any of the details even though many of them were intense and extremely personal and hard to write about. But I had been asked to share William's story on a website that I write for. Because yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance day I felt like his story, our story, would help others become aware of amazing life is even at it's earliest stages. I also hoped to bring forth to light how important it is to treat those who have lost a child with respect and dignity. If we could touch just one life then maybe sharing our story would be worthwhile.

I'll admit, I was scared to do so! Apart from a very few people and what I've shared here, I had not shared my story with many. On top of that I worried about sharing William's pictures. Now that they are on the internet they might not be used for the purpose I hope. I don't want my son's life exploited. To some he'll just be a neat picture, to me he's my life. Those pictures are a reminder of the perfection I held for such a short time, of what I miss each and every day. To say it was hard to share them is an understatement.

I wanted to share them here because I feel like if I am going to share them with anyone I should share them here where people who have been by my side giving me support, allowing me to cry when I needed to most.

My son is such a big part of me. I miss him so much. I feel an incredible sense of loss. That pain hasn't gone away, it's still there, only now I can control my feelings a little better. This week has been so hard for me. I had a scare with our newest baby at the beginning of the week and ended up at the hospital on Tuesday. I was having contractions, severe pelvic pressure and no movement from our baby in 2 days. On the way to the hospital I realized that I was at the same time as I was when I lost William. My heart screamed in pain. I cried to God to please let our baby be ok, that to have to go through this again was something I might not be able to handle. The scare of possibly losing this baby made the loss of William fresh again. Seeing our new baby's heart beating on the ultrasound and seeing him kick around helped me relax but it didn't dry the tears that I have once again been crying several times a day. Knowing that my cervix is changing already and that I have to be on modified bedrest scares me as well and makes me think of the last time I was confined to bed... just two short weeks later I was holding my son to my chest willing life back into him. To say it's been a hard week is an understatement.

I'm glad I shared William's story but at the same time I almost regret it. Many people at church today had no clue what to say to me. Some couldn't look at me. Some walked away as I walked to them. It made me even more sad and lonely to think about. I know they just probably didn't know what to say to me but to not say anything, not even a hi, was hard on me. I'm hoping it is temporary and that things will be different when I am up at the church later this week and when we go to Mass next Sunday.

Thank you to those of you who read here and who have supported me through all we've been through. I can't even begin to tell you how much your words have meant to me, not just with William's loss but with all our losses and with all the ups and downs we've been through. I am thankful that my friend Angi got me into blogging. It's such a wonderful way to look back and see how far we've come, to keep memories that might have otherwise faded on us and to hold on to those most precious to us when they are gone from our arms.

If you feel like reading the entire story of William's life and death you can read it at the Catholic Sistas website or you can click the picture above as well. It has been helpful and hurtful for me to share it. I'm praying that God does something wonderful with the story and with William's life. I'm praying that his life can change others.

William's perfect foot, he left his footprints on our heart

A Time To Heal

2011-10-03T19:24:00.007-05:00

Owen Michael, lost January 29, 1992, my first lost child

There is a website that I have loved since the day I found it. I don't remember when it was just that I was hurting. Names in the Sand showed me that I was not alone. While I hated that so many other people were going through losses and hurting like I was it was comforting to know that I wasn't the only person out there hurting so badly. It's very hard to help someone understand the love that a parent feels for their child if the other person is not a parent themselves. That love is just something you can describe. Of course once the person becomes a parent they suddenly understand not only that love but equally how hard it is to explain that love.

As hard as it is to describe that love a parent has for their child, it's equally as hard to be able to describe the feeling of losing a child to someone who has never gone through it. I have to be careful here what I say because I don't want to lessen anyone's pain but there are even varying degrees within the loss of pregnancy... at least for me there has been. With my very, very early losses it has been heartbreaking but not pure devastation as much later losses were, particularly William and Joseph. Not to say that I didn't love those who I lost so early as much as I did as the others but I guess the amount of "trauma" that went with those losses just made them harder to go through I suppose. I don't know if it is because I have had others to compare to (which I don't wish on anyone) or the fact that I got pregnant almost immediately, often with the first cycle, after early losses, but those that happened later were just harder for me to handle. Being able to hold the baby in my hands or arms and kiss their tiny heads maybe made it even more difficult to move forward.

I have pictures of my babies who were lost at later dates. I have memories of them... of holding them, of counting their fingers and toes, of kissing their tiny heads. I am so thankful for that. As painful as it was I know I am blessed to have those things. I know for most of my other losses I had nothing, and that is hard.

This past week our family went to the beach for vacation. I've never been able to afford to hire Names in the Sand to write my children's names for me. As beautiful as they are and as much as I have longed to do so, there was just no way. I have lost 12 babies... too many names to write in the sand. There was no way I could choose to write one name and not the others. It didn't feel right to me. So, I never did it. This week I decided to undertake writing all my babies' names in the sand. I had to use the sunrise instead of the sunset since the beach we were on was facing east. There were several days I couldn't write at all because of cloudy weather. Still, after several days I was able to write all 12 babies' names in the sand.

Lily Ann, lost November 21, 2008... Madison's twin

Samuel Lee, lost February 26, 1998... twin to Savannah

Joseph Isaiah, lost March 2, 2010

William Nathaniel, lost December 21, 2010

I am not sharing all the pictures here. I felt like maybe that would be overwhelming. But to share these precious ones will have to represent all of our babies who wait for us in heaven.

It was overwhelming for me to write their names in the sand and to see the sun shining on them. It was comforting until the sea came to wash their names away. In just a moment they were gone, washed away with no sign they had been written there. Only the person who wrote the name knows it once was on the shore. Often that's how it feels when we lose a child. It feels like their names our written on our hearts but washed away so quickly for everyone else around us. It hurts to know that sometimes we are the only ones who think of those little ones wanted and loved so dearly.

I'm glad, that as hard as it was, I was able to write all their names in the sand. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to see them shining in the sun, the light of God touching them as He touched me at the same time. I miss my babies so much and am still hurting a tremendous amount. I don't talk about it with much of anyone anymore as I know others have moved on and think I should too. It's not that easy to do though. I know that this was a healing moment for me... I got to name outloud all my children. I got to validate their lives in a special way. I got to remember them all at one time. It was a beautiful thing to do.

My Husband, My Hero

2011-09-22T21:58:00.004-05:00

If you've read here for long you know I've occasionally posted stories from the "front lines". I can distinctly remember writing about the time my husband radared a military helicopter and immediately regretted it. I wrote about the time I went to his office for lunch and he made sure I cleaned the table off really well because they had just finished inventorying some drugs they had seized. It was particularly hard to write about a meth lab they had busted and how Mike was so affected by it because they found that the people had put a baby, about the age of Anna at the time, in a dog cage to keep her out of the way. Also hard was writing about the time I received a phone call from one of the other officers telling me not to worry but they were on the way to the hospital with Mike after he was stung over 100 times by yellow jackets while out on a bust. There have been many funny stories, but there have been many sad or scary ones as well.

As a police officer's wife I have always known that there is a chance that when Mike and I say goodbye for the day/night, he may not come home to me. Of course there is this chance with everyone, but, when you work in the field that he does you are upping those chances. I've had many people ask me how I deal with that grim reality. I tell them that every day when he leaves I tell him I love him and to be careful. Then, when the door closes, I give that worry to God. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to function. There are times when it's harder than normal to do that... if I know he's going on a particularly hard bust, if they are going to be laying in the woods undercover with the risk of being caught, if they are doing a buy with someone new. I say more prayers those days but I still hand it over to God.

Mike encountered something the other day that really made me rethink all he does. I often think of the times that are hardest for him as the ones where he takes kids out of homes during a bust, or when he is in a lot of danger. But this week he did something that in the end was probably one of the hardest things he's ever done and yet he was in no danger at all.

While at the GBI headquarters he was doing a tour with a couple of the newer guys. He had taken them down to have their new ids made. As part of the tour they went down to the morgue and witnessed a few autopsies going on. While this isn't particularly hard for him to view anymore it still is disturbing. But while there, standing behind the glass watching, he noticed one of the people working on something very small. He said at first he thought it was the organ of one of the people on the other gurneys. As he looked closer and started to say, "What is she doing over there?" he realized that she was working on a baby. His heart stood still.

With all we've been through and all the worries we have now with this pregnancy it was so hard for him to see this baby laying motionless on the table. He said it was hard to be in that room. I know it affected him even more than he told me and it breaks my heart for him. He most often doesn't bring any of his work home with him. He never divulges confidential material or even most of time what they are doing or where. The information he gives me is bare minimum. They are required to keep that kind of stuff to themselves. This, however, was different. It wasn't confidential and it was something that rattled him so much he needed to share it with me. He couldn't keep it bottled up.

I think about all the things my husband does for others. Many times those that he is protecting and serving don't care one way or another how his job affects him. They have no idea what he sees on a daily basis or what he's exposed to and how hard it is as a father, a husband, a son, a friend, to take that in day in and day out. I know though and it is amazing how much he and others like him deal with both physically and emotionally. I know I couldn't do it. It takes someone very special to continue to see the things he does and still want to serve.

I am so proud of Mike. He is amazing. I know that the other day seeing that baby hurt his heart so very much and yet he got up the next day and went right back to work eager to protect and serve. He encompasses honor and valor and hope. I love him more than I can say. I wish I could take some of those hurts from him. I wish he didn't have to be exposed to so many of these things. I'm happy he's willing to do the job that I know I could never do. He is my hero.

Hoping and Praying

2011-09-16T21:53:00.005-05:00

This week I have been sick. Probably more sick than I've been in a long time. It started out on Sunday as a sore throat and by Wednesday was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. My head was so dizzy that to just move to reposition in the bed sent me spinning. To get out of bed to go to the bathroom almost made me pass out. The kids gathered around my bed and looked at me and said, "Mama, are you... ok?" with worried looks on their faces. It's rare that I am that sick. But this bug, a cold bug, a flu bug, I'm not sure what kind it is, has really knocked me for a loop.

I went to the doctor today to make sure that I was ok. I was worried that having been so sick was not only terrible for me but was going to have a bad effect on the baby I am now pregnant with. I've been waiting to announce my pregnancy for a couple reasons but today showed me that I really want it announce it for the world to know about in case something goes wrong that I can have as many people praying for us as possible. Also, I just want the world to know that this little one exists. It's so important to me that this life be validated and cherished.

The midwife listened to my concerns about cramping, about being sick, about not feeling flutters this week. When we first listened for the baby's heartbeat we didn't find it right away. My heart stopped. But then we heard a beautiful little galloping sound of the baby's heart. I cried on the exam table. The midwife, not knowing my full story (I'm seeing a new set of doctors), looked at me a little questioning and just said, "Well, once you get past the time you lost some of your other babies you will feel so much better." I told her I didn't think so as what we have gone through has been so traumatic and that I probably wouldn't relax until I was holding this baby in my arms at the end of my pregnancy. I then told her a brief overview of how we lost William and all that we endured not only with him but with the others as well. Her mouth dropped open and she rubbed my shoulder and said, "I promise you that you will never be treated that way here. I'm so very sorry. We are here for whatever you need." Through my tears I thanked her and told her it meant a lot to me to have such good care.

Driving home I thought a lot about how the week has gone. On top of being sick one of my very dearest friends lost her baby this week. My heart is aching for her knowing all that she is going through right now. As I got sicker and sicker this week and started cramping all I could think about was how I could very well be losing my baby too. The thought was just too much. I cried the entire way home from the doctor's office. I cried tears of joy and relief that our baby was ok. I cried for Kristi and for her family and the pain she is feeling now and will continue to feel. I cried thinking of all we've gone through and how my babies should be safe in my arms but aren't. I cried until my head hurt and my eyes hurt and till my nose ran even more than it was before.

Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant. Our baby looks perfect. I keep thinking about how we've been at this stage before only to go to lose our precious little one. All I can think is how much I want to be able to hold this baby in March when I am due and no sooner than that. I know that I don't "deserve" another child (so many people keep telling me that I do!) but oh how I want one! I know my wants are not often what is best for me and I just keep praying that God will allow me to bring this baby to term and for him/her to join our family in March. The thought of losing this baby has me scared to death. I know that if we do lose the baby I will get through it but how will I come out on the other side? How will Mike come out? The kids? Driving home today I cried because I was so happy I didn't have to come home and tell my children bad news. I got to tell them their tiny sibling was ok. On the way to the doctor's office I thought about how I would tell them if the baby was gone... I was so thankful not to have to say those words. It would have killed them every bit as much as it would have killed me.

I am trusting in God to hold us in His hands. I know that ultimately His plans are best and I am just thankful that He trusts me so much to bless me with another life, no matter how long I have them, to take care of the best I can while they are in my care. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we try our hardest to welcome another baby to our family March 17, 2012 (or thereabouts!)

Respect

2011-09-09T21:52:00.003-05:00

Last weekend I went to a beautiful wedding at our church. Many of the people who were invited were not Catholics. I was stunned to see how disrespectful many of those people were during the Mass. I do understand that those who are not Catholic may not understand the sanctity of the Mass but just to be reverent because you are in a church is not too much to ask.

I was shocked to see people not only talking but laughing, pointing, chewing gum, obviously showing their disdain over the Mass itself. The photographer even was laying completely on his belly in the middle of the aisle to take pictures! I understand wanting to "get the shot" but really is there no other way to show respect and get a great shot? I guess it amazes me so much because I would never go in anyone's church, temple, synagogue, etc and act the way these people did. I try my hardest to show everyone respect, even other religions that might not be my own, because it is how I want to be treated and how as Christians, Christ expects us to act.

I am part of an interfaith dialogue group and I am constantly amazed at how well everyone on that board treats people of other faiths. We can carry on a civil conversation without degrading each other's religion or beliefs. It's just not necessary. I love learning about other faiths and I know that my Catholic faith is not what everyone is looking for. Of course I think it's the right way but I do respect others who choose differently. Christ taught us to love everyone just as he loves us. How can we show love when we are fighting over who's right and who's wrong? We should be praying for one another, not fighting.

I have been thinking about this all week long. I pray for those who are so judgmental and who find that they don't have to offer respect to anyone who might be different than them. It is on my mind tonight as I think of the days that are coming up. With remembering September 11th this year I wonder how many people will look at all Muslims and judge them for the acts of a small sect of extremists? I pray this won't happen but I know it will. It makes me sad.

As in the words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?" Can't we all just show one another respect. We CAN be different and still be alike too. We are all searching for the truth. We are all looking to be loved. We are all doing the best we can with what we are given.

As Christ says in Matthew 5:43-48- "You have heard it said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy'. But I say to you, love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brother, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect."

The Circle of Life

2011-08-28T20:32:00.003-05:00

Today is the four year anniversary of losing Dominic. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the first pregnancy loss that we had ever shared with anyone else. All our other loses we suffered in silence and never gave an indication of what we were going through. With Dominic it was different. We had shared our news with everyone that we were expecting again. We had received both congratulations and raised eyebrows with the usual comments about being crazy for being open to life. As our first very public loss it was difficult to go through. I was broken in every sense of the word. Being able to get pregnant with Caroline so soon after helped heal some of those holes in my heart but not completely.

Today I presented a Spiritual Adoption program to our parish. The program is designed so that each member can spiritually "adopt" an unborn baby who is at risk for being aborted. You name your baby and select a due date (one about 9 months from now). It is a way to hopefully save the lives of babies who are in danger. It's amazing to me that when we were planning out when we would start the program that this date was chosen. I did not do the choosing. While I am the head of the Right to Life group I left this particular detail up to the person in charge of the calendar. I told them I would like to start sometime this month but was open to any day. When I was told when it would be I almost cried. How very perfect on the anniversary of my son going to heaven that we would start such an important program.

I had to present our program to each Mass. In our church we have both Saturday and Sunday Masses. There are both English and Spanish Masses on each day. I presented to all 5 Masses even though I don't speak Spanish! Our priest did the talking for me, I understood enough to know when to nod in agreement (since I wrote up the presentation!) and when to smile and when to frown (did you know 3700 children die every day due to abortion?). It was quite the experience! I felt overwhelmed and so grateful all at the same time.

In addition to presenting to the Masses I was blessed to get to attend to "healing services" within both of the Spanish Masses. What a beautiful gift I was given on a weekend where I was so sad about the loss of our children. To be annointed with oils and prayed over (for physical and spiritual healing) was exactly what I needed this weekend. I know for whatever reason God has planned for me, He called me to this ministry. I can only hope that I do it justice!

This weekend marked 4 years from the time I sat in disbelief that our son was gone. Here I prayed so hard for the Lord to let me keep him and yet every day thousands upon thousands of women choose to abort their children. While I can't assume to know their hearts or reasons why I do believe that in the end the majority of those women mourn the loss of their children too. I'm sure their hearts cry out as mine does for my lost children. They remember the day their child was lost and wonder about what life would be like if their child had lived. While I can't change their decisions I can pray for their hearts to be changed and for them to help change the hearts of other women who are considering abortion.

I pray for my children every day. I think of them constantly and I wonder what life would have been like had I been able to keep them here beside me. My heart aches at the each and every loss we've had. Recently a friend of mine encouraged me to name all the children we had ever lost (no one had ever told me I could name the babies of early losses!) and so we did. It had brought such peace to my heart to know that all my children have names and that I can pray for them by name. Part of the Spiritual Adoption program is naming the child you wish to pray for. I encourage all mothers who have ever lost a child whether through abortion, miscarriage or still birth to name their children. It will help bring closure and peace to your heart. Pray for your child by name and know that you have a saint in heaven who can pray for you as well.

Sweet Dominic, I love you more than I can say. My heart aches for you every day and I know that God blessed me when he chose me to be your mother. I wish I could have held you within me for longer but the time I had with you was precious. I know you wait for us in heaven with your brothers and sisters and that brings me tremendous peace. You belong to the Lord but you are forever in my heart.

Ups And Downs

2011-08-26T19:23:00.002-05:00

Lately we've had our shares of ups and downs. Life is a perpetual rollercoaster I think. So many things going on and so little time to just sit down and take them all in.

We made it through summer but haven't started our school year back up yet. We will start after Labor day. I don't like that the schools start back so early here. I firmly believe kids need a break. I know they say that kids lose a lot over the summer but there are studies to show they lose a lot also when they have so many breaks through the year (which our school system does). They also say it's harder to get kids back on schedule when you take many breaks through the school year. Kids start anticipating the break about a week or two beforehand, then you have the week or longer break (sometimes up to 3 weeks!) and then you have at least a week or maybe two to get them settled down again. You do this several times through the year and you have lost every bit as much time, or more, than if you just took a long break in the summer. For us it's a matter of both the kids and me needing a break!

We have started back to Sunday school which means I am teaching. Of course it's only one day a week but to be an effective teacher you really need to plan even for that one day. It definitely takes time and energy! We also have started back Youth Group. My older kids are super happy about that! Youth group is amazing and they not only learn so much about our faith, they have a lot of fun too! I am an adult leader for youth group so that is another night of the week to be gone. This year we are teaching Theology of the Body and I will lead the first class! I'm nervous but I know it will go great. TOB is a great class to be teaching these kids. I'm excited for them.

I have been asked to lead a "new" program in our church. It is a Right to Life group. We have always had one at our parish but we have never done anything with it. I was asked to be the chair of the group and have mapped out an amazing year for us. We will be kicking it off this weekend with a Spiritual Adoption. This program allows our members to spiritually "adopt" a baby that is in danger of being aborted. We will give monthly updates on their baby's development, throw a baby shower where all gifts will go to our local pregnancy resource center and then have a birthday party in May where we ask everyone to bring diapers for the pregnancy resource center. I'm excited for it! I'm nervous because it means I have to get up in front of our entire congregation to present the program to them. It would be one thing if I only had to do this once but we have 5 Masses at our church so I will be presenting 3 times in English and then standing there while our priest presents it in Spanish. I'm hoping to get through the weekend!

In addition to the Spiritual Adoption we will be doing things through the year to focus on all the life issues, not just abortion. I'm anxious and excited and ready to do this! I'm praying for God to give me the strength to do this program justice. I have a lot riding on my shoulders and so many people I don't want to let down.

I got to finally meet Angi, whom I've know for 12 years now via the internet through a large family moms group. The original group dispersed but a few of us stayed together learning, praying and growing (figuratively and literally!). Angi was in Atlanta a few weeks back and I made the trip out there to see her and her son. I took Garrett with me and we had a great time at The Varsity. I have met others from the group before but Angi and I had never met face to face. It's funny how when seeing her it felt so natural and easy. Of cours that is because we have shared so much over the years. I was so happy to put my arms around her and give her a hug!

While all this has been going on I am in constant prayer for a few of the people who mean the most to me. My heart hurts for several people including my sister who is going through a very messy and drawn out divorce. For one of my oldest and dearest friends who is also going through a messy divorce and for one of my best and sweetest friends here that could possibly be losing her baby. It pains me to know that those I care about so much are hurting so much too. I wish I could take those pains from them. Of course I can't but I can try to be there for them. I'm trying!

I am struggling some with some health problems but nothing that is life-threatening so that's a positive! My children have been wild for the last few days and some of the days it's all I can do to get to bedtime (where I am not sleeping but at least they are!). Today was one of those days.

We have had our ups and downs and we are trying to get through them the best we can. My heart is still heavy but there are less days of sorrow now and I am thankful for that. Those days that sneak up on me are still so painful and I know they will always be there. I've had some rough weeks lately but we are trusting God to get us through and He hasn't failed us yet!

I've got other things to write about but I'll save them for now since I've gotten a little long. What have you been up to?

How to Lock a Post?

2011-08-14T21:48:00.002-05:00

Can someone tell me if it's possible on blogger to be able to password protect a post? I think I'd like to start doing that if possible. If not I might need to go to a different forum. Thank you for your help! :)

Change Is In The Air

2011-07-27T13:49:00.003-05:00

As you can see I have changed my blog! I've been so hesitant to do this because I worried about losing my older posts. I decided to bite the bullet and just try.

In doing this change it seems I have lost some of my links! I will have to find them again and hopefully have those that I read religiously back on my page. In the meantime I hope you can be patient with me as I work it all out!

Change is scary but it can be so good sometimes! I really like the way this looks and maybe will be brave enough to try some other designs on my blog to make it more my own!

Veiling

2011-07-26T14:26:00.002-05:00

For many years I have felt like I'm called to veil for Mass. For those of you who do not know what this is it used to be that all women wore veils when they entered the church. It is based in scripture, particularly 1 Cor 11:1-17. Veiling is a sign that you submit to God's authority in your life- that his glory is over yours. It is also a sign of modesty and chastity. It is a sign of respect, humility and obedience.

I have felt to veil for a while now but have not because I am leary of drawing even more attention to my family than is already on us each and every Sunday. I hesistate to veil because I worry that my veiling may be more of a distraction than not for others around me. Still my heart is feels the tug of the Holy Spirit drawing me to it.

I bring this up now because Veils by Lily (a Catholic friend) is giving away a mantilla (veil) on her blog. You can find the drawing here... Those of us who entered to win a mantilla were also asked to blog about them. While I would love to win one I also know that my bigger objective here is to get feedback on whether or not my veiling would be a distraction for those around me.

I feel like we should all still be veiling. I know in the Latin Rite parishes they still do. I wish that it wasn't such a struggle to decide what to do. It should be second nature to just put on a head covering before entering the Church. There are many different kinds of veils, some that don't even resemble veils but cover the head and are sufficient. They are all so very beautiful and I wish that all women wore them. I wish I wasn't so self-conscious and could just do it without regard to what others might think or say. I wish that there were others in my parish who were already wearing headcoverings or veils. I wish I didn't have to be the first one! Still, I'm drawn to it and don't particularly want to fight it anymore.

Home

2011-07-25T21:05:00.003-05:00

This past week the kids and I traveled up to Kansas City to see family. It was a long trip up and back but we made it. It was good to get away from the every day ups and downs and just do a little of nothing.

Mike couldn't go as he was working but we are used to traveling alone. We took this picture above before we left for KC. Usually when we travel I try to either buy shirts that are alike or we make traveling shirts. I really wanted pink shirts this time but knew the boys wouldn't be thrilled with pink. So we compromised and the boys wore black and the girls, me included, wore pink. I decided to number the kids as well. It was super cute! What the picture doesn't show is the fronts of the shirts. Each shirt had something different and unique to the child's personality. It's a way for us to look alike but still maintain our individuality. I love our traveling shirts, the kids do too. Mike's normally not a big fan but he loved these ones and is willing to wear one should we go to the beach this summer!

You may notice that there are 10 kids instead of 9. We decided that since Alex is living with us she gets to be a full fledged member of the family and thus got a traveling shirt too! She loved it so much and was so happy to be included. She refers to the kids as her brothers and sisters and just loves being here with us. We love having her and are happy to include her in our family!

We are home now and so happy to be here. It's always nice to go visit family but it sure is wonderful when you pull back into your own driveway. After 13 hours of driving I was beat but Caroline cried when we pulled up to our house. She said, "But I want to go bye-bye!" I guess the driving wasn't too hard on her although I would think sitting in a carseat for 13 hours can't be too comfortable. I guess she really loves traveling though and I suppose that's a good thing for us.

As much as I love to go to other places the best place in the world is my home. It never ceases to amaze me just how much I love it here and how special it is to me. It was nice to go but even nicer to come home. As Dorothy said so many years ago, "There's no place like home!"

A Good Week

2011-07-12T20:09:00.003-05:00

This past week was a great week. It was nice to finally have one! It started off with our Fourth of July celebration. We went first to our local 4th of July parade. The kids loved it! The little ones had never been and so they had to learn the ins and outs of candy grabbing protocol. Thankfully one of my best friends was with us and taught them how to be ubber quick when it came to getting candy out of the roadway!

Next we went back to my friend's house and had a barbeque... all day long. It was awesome! We had cornhole tournament, the little kids swam in little pools, they played on the homemade slip-n-slide, played badminton, had sparklers and poppers, and we ate all.day.long. It was great!

When it started getting dark we made our way to town to watch the fireworks. We get to sit in the special police seating which is always an amazing place to get to be. We are right up close to where they fire them off and the sound and sights are stunning! We made our way home afterward and carried little people up to bed. It was probably the best 4th of July I have ever had!

Also this week a dear friend of my oldest daugther Kaylie came to live with us. She has been having a hard time for a while with her parents (both her fault and theirs) and we extended an invitation to her to come live with us. Her parents agreed that our home would be the best place for her right now. She is a senior in high school but is homeschooled so we will have to figure out what we want to do for her schooling. Her family is in Florida but she's orginally from our area so she still knows people here and had other friends. She's loving getting to reconnect with these "good kids". The ones she had been living with and doing things with in Florida were not quite the people she really needed to be around. The wonderful thing is that she figured out on her own that her life was taking a very bad turn from where she really wanted to be and she told Kaylie she was scared of what might happen to her. Because she is so determined to get her life back and find who she really is I think she's going to do so well at our house. So now we have 10 children :)

I was asked to be the chairman of the Right To Life group in our parish. I have gone to a few diocesean meetings already but hadn't met with our pastor yet. On Thursday we met and he approved all the things I have lined up for our group to do within our parish and our community. I am so excited to be heading up this group and determined to bring the life issues to the forefront of our community. I have plans for nursing homes, the jails, the pregnancy resource center, and much more! We already have several things on our calendar so I can't wait to start!

We refinanced our home to lower our interest rate and our payments! One less stress for us!

There were other things that wrong this week (lots of medical stuff) but there were so many things that went great! It was nice to have a week where I felt happy much of the time! It lifted my spirits to know that we have so many great friends with which to celebrate with, that someone trusts me enough to think I can have a positive influence on their daughter's life, that I am trusted enough to be put in a leadership position over a group that I think is extremely important not just for our parish but for our community as well. The refinancing was just the icing on the cake!

So this week, while not often, I got to have my cake and eat it too! I am stuffed!

Dreams

2011-07-07T23:28:00.002-05:00

Last night I had the most vivid dream. It's not unusual for me to have such vivid dreams but many times when I wake I might remember little snippets of the dream and tell myself that I will have to write it down so I don't forget. Of course time gets away from me and I don't write it down and I'm left wondering what it was I dreamt about in the first place.

I have also suffered all my life, including into adulthood, from night terrors. For many years after we were married it wasn't unusual for me to wake screaming, running out of our room only to be coaxed back to bed by my husband. Unlike most people who suffer from night terrors, many of those scary episodes I end up remembering because of how terrifying and vivid they are. It's funny how with regular dreams I can't remember much, but with night terrors, I remember almost everything... it goes against the "norm" when dealing with those sorts of things.

I bring these up because dreams have always been a huge part of my life. I get stories from my dreams that I end up writing down for my kids. I face the demons that in my regular life I can't stand up to; all those fears and past hurts come out in my dreams. Of course I also dream about beautiful things too... things I want to remember and want to hold tight to. Unfortunately as I stated above, many times those dreams leave me upon waking while the terrible ones stay with me for a long time.

However, last night I had a very vivid dream. One that normally I wouldn't have remembered. Still, I woke up wondering if it was a dream or if it was real. Sadly, it was just a dream but thankfully I can recall every detail about it. I dreamt that I gave birth to a little girl (in my dream I knew it was Sarah). I had no doubt about who she was. In my dream however, instead of losing her so early on she ended up being delivered at term but was stillborn. I remember holding her to tightly to me. I held and held her. I wanted so desperately for her to live but I knew she was gone. I left the hospital and we went to the church. We were going to bury her. I was carrying her around in a blanket waiting for the time to come to say goodbye. People were looking at her, telling us how beautiful she was and how sorry they were for our loss. Suddenly she started to move. Slowly she opened her eyes and began to cry. She was alive! What happened was a miracle and I knew in my dream it was because of my love that she was able to live. As I looked down and into her eyes I felt an amazing peace. She had completed me and the hole in my heart was healed.

I woke up wishing so badly that the dream was true. It's funny how your mind works to tell you what your heart is hiding from the world. I know the dream was spurred on by a website I happened to look at last night. Bountiful Babies is a website that makes and sells kits to make vinyl babies. I had found the site from a sewing site and clicked through. As I looked through the babies (they are adorable!) I found myself wondering if I could send them a picture of William and have them make a baby of his size and that would look like him. I know thinking of that sort of thing was what prompted the dream last night. That desperation to hold my babies again is just overwhelming some days. Yesterday was one of those days.

It's frustrating to me to be doing so good at one point in the day and then see something that just brings me back to the point of crying out to God, "Why?!" I know that one day I will see all my babies again but for now I guess holding them in my dreams will have to do.

A Good Day

2011-07-06T21:57:00.005-05:00

We had a wonderful Fourth of July! We started it off on Sunday the 3rd with sparklers and legal fireworks (you know the kind that doesn't go up in the sky... aka the boring kind!). The kids had a lot of fun with that and the two littlest ones loved staying up late and getting to go outside in the dark with everyone else.

On Monday we went to the parade and ended up loaded down with candy and goodies that the parade walkers were throwing our way. All the little kids would scramble for the candy and get so excited over every piece they got. It was cute to watch their excitement over the candy and the parade in general.

Afterward we went to a friend's house for a good old fashioned 4th of July barbeque and cornhole tournament. We had a couple of little kid pools plus a homemade slip-n-slide so the kids were in heaven. They played on the tire swing, lit sparklers and blew bubbles. On top of those perks they got to drink as much coke as they wanted and eat nonstop all day! It was a 4th of July paradise over there!

We ended the day with the local fireworks show. We get to sit in special police seating each year which puts up right next to where they are firing off the fireworks. The view is amazing and the sounds are too! Thankfully the rain held off and while we saw some scary lightning we never got rained on. Caroline and Madison both fell asleep during the fireworks show! They were so exhausted. It was a great end to a great day!

My favorite part of the day though was when we carried up sleeping kids out of the car... tuckered from all the fun they had through the day. We kissed them and put them in their beds knowing we all had a fantastic day. My heart felt so happy. :)

Six Months

2011-06-27T19:00:00.004-05:00

This past week was a hard one. It has now been six months since losing William. My due date has come and gone and I am left without a baby. How can so much time have passed already? How can it seem like yesterday and like a 100 years ago at the same time?

I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around all that we went through last year but in particular with William in December. It still seems like a dream. I should be holding a newborn baby in my arms instead of just memories in my heart.

On Saturday I was blessed to be able to attend the Eucharistic Congress in Atlanta. It is an all day event for Catholics (and nonCatholics) to learn about, honor and praise Jesus present in the Eucharist. Besides hearing guest speakers we have other opportunites to expand our faith. We are able to go to Adoration (praying before the blessed Eucharist), go to Confession, experience fellowship with 25,000 other Catholics, go to Mass and visit a variety of vendors selling Catholic goods. Attending this event was the lift my soul needed.

While there I was able to go to Confession and was able to talk with a priest about my sorrows and how they have affected my life since December. I was able to go to Adoration and give those sorrows to Christ. I was also able to look for something from the vendors that could help me remember that God has not only me but all my children, those here and those in heaven, firmly in his hands. As I walked through the hall where vendors were selling things I talked to William and asked him to help lead me to where I would find the perfect reminder. I found this statue of a tiny baby held in God's hands. It took my breath away. I knew immediately that I had found what I needed.

The tiny baby was smaller than William but was closer than anything that I had ever seen to this point. It is so detailed. It reminds me of every tiny detail of William. How perfectly formed he was. I knew it would be something I could hold and touch, but also something I could see to remind me of my babies cradled in Christ's hands. It was perfect.

As I fell asleep last night I held it in my hands. I should be holding my baby now but I can't. While I can look at pictures of William (and I do!) I was finding I also needed something I could touch and hold. Something close to his size. This helps me with that. I know I won't always need to hold it to feel comfort. I know that eventually I will be able to think of my William and not cry. I know that Dominic, Joseph, Sarah and all my other saints are there with him and that helps me. Still, right now the pain is just still too fresh and I need those physical reminders, those comforts.

I'm praying that as I move forward, little by little each day, that things keep getting easier for me. I've been trying to be patient and trying to give myself enough time to get through all I need to get through. It's hard though. I want things to be normal again and yet I know that they never will be. Someone once told me that you have to find a new normal. I'm not sure I've found that yet. I thought I had found it after each loss. I can't seem to find it this time. I'm looking. I'm praying. I'm hoping. I know that whatever God has in store for us is better than anything I could ever imagine.

Patience. I've often been told I have the patience of Job. Some days it doesn't feel like it. Still, I'm trying my best to be patient. Patient with God. Patient with myself.

"Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things - with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope." ~ Corazon Aquino

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T20:55:00.003-05:00

I wish I could post a picture of Mike with our children but given his work I can't. Those of you on Facebook or who are friends with me where we live know all too well the joy and fun Mike and the kids have together. I love to take pictures of them together. My two favorite things in all the world... my husband and my children... just melt my heart every time I see them together.

So, for all the father's, especially my husband, I want to say Happy Father's Day! I know that our lives without Mike could never be near as wonderful as it is now. I am thankful for all he does and gives for us and that God chose him to be the father of all our children. We have been blessed so richly and I am so happy to call him mine.

I love you Mike! Thank you for being such an amazing father and husband!

A Mission From God

2011-06-16T17:16:00.002-05:00

This past week our youth group went on a week long mission trip to Washington D.C. to serve the poor and the homeless. What an amazing trip it was!

5 adult chaperones took 20 teens into the heart of downtown Washington D.C. It was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had.

It was inspiring to see our young people giving so much of themselves to others they didn't even know and to whom could do nothing to repay their kindness. They went with open hearts and minds and gave what they could. These kids were asked to serve in a variety of ways, some very hard, and yet never once balked at the job nor did they complain.

While they gave so much of themselves I believe they got back so much too. The man in the picture with me above was named Derrick. On Tuesday night we hosted a dinner for the poor and homeless. We not only cooked and served dinner but we also sat and ate with those who came. We played games and got to know them on a personal level. We made a connection with the people who came in a much different way than any other time during the week. I think the people we dined with that night gave us so much more than we gave them. Derrick had the most amazing outlook on life. He told us that each and every day he thanks God for blessing him so richly. What a truly wonderful outlook on life! We had so much to learn and he was willing to teach us!

I received an email from the agency that coordinated all of our service activities. In the email they stated that our group of 25 served 19,061 men, women and children during our week long stay in Washington D.C. both directly and indirectly. The number was just staggering to read! Not all of these people were homeless, some were homebound and suffering from AIDS or cancer or some other debilitating disease. Some were low income, some were poor, some were homeless.

So many people think that giving just a little bit of time won't help... that an hour, a day, a week out of their time can't do much. But we served 19,061 people in our short week in D.C. That equals roughly 190 people per day per person on our trip (given we worked for 4 days and had 1 free day and 2 travel days). We each affect almost 200 people each and every day! That is making a difference!

I strongly encourage you to help where you can, be it giving money, giving an hour of your time, or just taking a moment to stop and talk with someone. YOU can affect someone's life for the better. YOU can make a difference. In the process of helping others you might find that you are helped too.

It was a blessed experience to serve the neediest of the needy. Jesus said, "When you did these for the least of my brothers, you did it for me." To see Jesus' face in these people was beautiful. He is there, in each and every one of us.

Kaylie's Graduation!

2011-05-31T16:50:00.002-05:00

On Saturday we celebrated Kaylie's graduation from high school. We had a graduation party for her complete with 100 guests, lots of great food and a video that highlighted Kaylie's life from birth until now. It was a an amazing success! We all had so much fun and we got to celebrate our daughter who brings us such joy it's unimaginable!

On May 15th, Kaylie was able to wear her cap and gown and "walk" for her graduation at a Baccalaureate Mass at our church. All the seniors who were graduating, no matter from what school they attended, wore their caps and gowns to Mass and were celebrated at Mass. It is such a great time for the kids since they can be proud of their accomplishments and they can stand together, not as all coming from the same schools, but as coming from the same faith background. It's always wonderful to see all the seniors up front in the church but this year even more so when our daughter was there with all those amazing teens.

Each year the Knights of Columbus give out two scholarships to the seniors who exemplify certain characteristics... teens who are outgoing and give back to their community through their involvement in school activites, youth group activities and areas they engage in on their own. They look for the teens who are willing to give more than they get and who give so with an open heart. They look teens who not only serve the community but serve the Lord as well. Kaylie was chosen to receive one of these scholarships! I was so very happy for her because while she never expects to be honored for what she does it is always nice to be recognized sometimes. As her mother I know what a kind and giving child she has always been. I was so thrilled for her that others recognize that in her as well. We are so very proud of the young woman she is becoming... always putting others needs before her own, giving when she can and humbly serving even when it's hard to do.

We have so much to be proud of! We have high hopes and dreams for her but we know her own hopes and dreams will come before our own for her. We know that she will do well in whatever she chooses to do. I am so very proud of her. It's amazing to think of her as a tiny baby swaddled in my arms... she was so amazing then and I didn't think I could love her any more than I did at that moment. But time has shown me that it is possible to love her more and more each and every day. We've been blessed to have Kaylie as our daughter. I can't imagine our lives without her. I can't wait to see what her life brings her and what roads she decides to travel on. Wherever she goes we've told her that we are always her ready to guide her and walk with her, listen and understand, cherish and love. She has the whole world in front of her. I can't wait to see her take it by the tail!

Life Is Precious

2011-05-30T11:40:00.002-05:00

Even if others don't think so...

We met with the lawyers who think that given my past miscarriages and the fact that I was on bedrest prior to going into the emergency room that we won't be able to prove that the hospital could have saved William. They aren't sure they can defend the case well enough to be able to hold the hospital accountable. The way the ER laws have changed here in GA they make it difficult to prosecute the emergency room at all. It's very disheartening.

Honestly, I understand that we can't prove that William would have survived if I had gotten proper care but that shouldn't matter... what happened was I not only didn't receive care upon going to the ER but when I finally did receive care it was substandard care. We can't prove that he would have lived but they can't prove that he wouldn't have died had they treated me properly.

It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that my son's life and death have no meaning to so many. While I wish they would have respected me while I was there more than anything I wish they had respected my son. While he may have still died it didn't have to be in the manner in which it happened. All I wanted was my son to be given dignity and respect. He was given neither.

I'm not sure which way to turn now. I have another lawyer who is looking at the case for me but if he says that there really is no hope for trying the case then I will let it go. My heart hurts telling our story over and over again. It hurts to know that William's life was so unimportant to so many people. I want justice for him, for me, for our family, but I don't know how many times I can go through hearing "we can't help you" and feeling like my son's death was in vain. If we could have at least prevented this from happening to others then I would have at least purpose in retelling the most horrific experience of my life. But as it stands it sounds as if we can do nothing.

Please keep this in prayer as I just really want justice for our family. I want the hospital to acknowledge that my son's life was precious and they should have done everything possible to protect his life too. I would have gladly given my life for him as he was that important and precious to me. I know the hospital left me to suffer, but they left my son to die. It's just not fair that no one can do anything to make this right.

Taking on a Giant

2011-05-24T23:40:00.002-05:00

I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm hoping that things will the way I hope they do. On Thursday we are talking to a lawyer about what we can or can't do to hold the hospital accountable for all that we went through for Williams birth and death. I've never been inside a lawyer's office before. I've never sued someone or been sued myself. I never thought I would be in the position I am in right now.

I don't want to go to court. I don't want to sue the hospital. Unfortunately, the hospital is not doing anything to rectify what happened and make changes to insure that it never happens again so I feel like we have no other course of action than to take them to court. I have no idea if we even stand a chance to be honest. They have changed the laws here so that it is harder to hold the emergency room accountable for their actions (or not acting). While I understand the concept that in an emergency situation you may have to use unorthodox means to treat a patient I also know that the hospital didn't use unorthodox treatment but had absolutely no treatment when I needed it.

It has been an internal battle for me as to whether or not we should proceed with suing the hospital. I tried my best to go up the chain of command at the hospital to get the results I had hoped for. But in the end I was left knowing that little would be done to change the practices that were occurring. It hurts my heart to think of something similar happening to anyone else. In the end it comes down to making sure that never happens again.

So, we are going to see whether or not we will be taking on a giant. I feel like David standing next to Goliath. Surely there will be justice in the end. I'm putting my trust in God to see us through this. He has seen us through so many other situations that I know He will be there with us through this as well. If we find that we can't do anything I'm not sure what I'll do. I suppose I will know that I've tried everything I can but I'm not sure I'll have a settled soul. I hope I will.

I want my son to be acknowledged and to be honored. I want his life to touch others and to have meaning. I know it does already for me but I want his short life to have an impact on others and to perhaps save someone else's child.

I am still grieving my son. I still cry for him. I want to hold him and kiss him. I miss him terribly and he's on my mind constantly. I know I can't ever know if the hospital could have saved my baby but they could have tried. If they couldn't have saved him they could have at least given him respect and dignity. I'm still so angry that they didn't.

I know that life isn't guaranteed to be fair and that's ok. But sometimes, just sometimes, the underdog should win. I am taking on a giant and am praying the underdog will win this time.

Cancer Free!!

2011-05-20T16:44:00.002-05:00

I got a call today from the nurse after I called and left another message to her. I had asked that they call me even if they didn't get my results in yet just so I wouldn't obsess over the weekend about it. She said they results had just come in and she had just found my chart. The doctor had not reviewed the results yet but she knew me well enough to call me and tell me that the results say there is not only no cancer but no precancer either!

I told her that she had just made my night, my weekend, my year! I was so happy I almost started crying on the phone with her. She told me that I couldn't tell him that I already knew since he hadn't signed off on it yet. I told her that I wouldn't say a thing to him! But, since he doesn't read here he won't know that I already know!

Thank you so much for your prayers! I am praying that now we can move forward and that one day I'll be able to successfully carry another baby to term. We'll see. I'm still trusting in God that He will take us where we need to be. It's been a bumpy road but one where we've learned so much about ourselves, our friends and our faith.

I have always felt blessed but today I feel even more so. I feel like I have been given a second chance at living, loving and trusting in God.

Quotes of the Day

2011-05-18T10:16:00.003-05:00

On of my favorite things to do on Facebook is to list a quote of the day as said by one of my kids. I'm not sure how many people like reading them, or if they find them as funny as I do, but it helps me remember those great things I always want to remember my kids saying. I've shared them here before but thought I might share a few now. :)

Overheard while Ben and Anna were playing (Ben with a hooded towel on his head like a cape) "Tell the Holy Spirit to hurry up! We've got to go!" I like that he recognized the Holy Spirit as a super hero!

Conversation of the day between Ben and the cardiologist's office: Ring! Ring! Ben,answering the phone when he's not allowed to, "Hello? Yews gots the wrong number. I'm just a wittle boy." and he hung up! LOL They called back laughing so hard!

Conversation of the day... Emma, "Mama, what did they throw at your wedding?" Me, "Birdseed." Garrett, "At my wedding they are going to throw... " Emma, interrupting, "Rocks?" tee hee... so funny!

Conversation of the day: Ben, "Mama can me and Carowine take a bath?" Me, "Yep!" Ben, pumping his fist in the air, "Come on Carowine... hot water!!" LOL the perks of taking a bath before the bigs kids use up all the hot water!

I'm glad I have so many little people here to keep me laughing all the time. Laughter is the best medicine!

Waiting...

2011-05-16T09:27:00.003-05:00

They say patience is a virtue. By now I am one of the most virtuous women around! No, seriously, I'm not but sometimes I feel like I sure do more than my share of waiting.

I went on Friday for my ultrasound. While there they decided to do two biopsies of my uterus. Oh the pain of that! He had told me that it was the most painful procedure they do in the office and I'm sure he was right. While he was doing it I tried not to let the tears slip down my cheeks and when he asked if I was ok I replied, "Ah, it's not as bad as childbirth so I'll be ok!" Joking helped me get through it but the rest of the morning was shot due to cramping and pain.

We talked about what they saw in the ultrasound. There seems to be something in my uterus but they aren't sure what. He said it didn't look like a fibroid and it didn't look like a polyp. They tried to see if there was any blood flow to it, they saw nothing. He talked about some possible "banding" and mentioned some term that even had the technician going, "What? I've never heard of that. What is it?" He repeated the term and said he probably wasn't saying it correctly but it could be a synechia, scar tissue that builds up and normally only causes problems in early pregnancy (early miscarriages) and actually wouldn't have had an effect on my later losses. He said that we would wait to get the biopsy results back that we would talk about further options.

So, we are waiting the prescribed 7-10 days that it takes to get the test results back in. Waiting to find out if there are cancer cells present is a hard waiting game to play. I've been trying to keep busy (and thankfully have been able to stay very busy!) but it's always there in the back of your mind regardless. I'm praying hard that we won't see any kind of cancer cells, either pre-cancerous or full blown) so that we can move on. Thank you for your continued prayers. I need them to help me be more virtuous. I've always been a patient person but this is testing my limits.

A Prayer Request- With An Update

2011-04-27T12:04:00.003-05:00

We decided to be on the safe side and get things checked out to make sure that I am ok physically. We know that they have told us that all we had to wait was a couple months to make sure my cycle was normal again before either trying to conceive or just allowing whatever to happen, whenever God chose to see fit. I wanted to make sure, especially given the fact that my mom died of cancer (spinal cancer that had migrated from her uterine cancer), that I am ok and don't have anything more than the fibroids, endometriosis and adenomyosis that I have previously been diagnosed with.

I went for an appointment Monday and had a regular "lady" check up. Things looked good so we scheduled an ultrasound for today to check for any unseen problems such as thickening of the uterus or other problems. I had the ultrasound today and now am waiting for the doctor to call me back. The technician measured something inside of my uterus (directly in the center of it) and did not look like a fibroid to me. Fibroids are normally embedded in the lining and are not as distinct looking as this thing was. The tech also normally makes comments about the fibroids. This time she just measured and said nothing. At the end she said, "The doctor will call you after he has reviewed the ultrasound".

In my life I've probably had a good 100+ ultrasounds. I've never seen something like this before. I'm praying that it is nothing and that I am worrying for nothing. If you could say a prayer or two for me to have not worry and to trust in God that things are ok or will be ok regardless of what happens I would appreciate it! I am scared to lose my fertility. I'm scared that I have cancer. I'm scared that there could be something really wrong. I am hoping the doctor will call soon so I don't have to worry so much or so I can figure out what to do next.

UPDATE: The doctor's office called yesterday to say that they were concerned and wanted to have a better look. They want to do an ultrasound where they inject saline into the uterus to do so. I am praying for just a confirmation of the things I already know I have but also know that they are looking for bigger problems now. Of course in doing online research I know that one of the things they are looking at now is uterine cancer. I'm holding out hope that this isn't the case. Please continue to pray. I go in May 12 for bloodwork and May 13th for the next ultrasound. I am scared to death but trying to remember that if I end up losing my fertility I will go on. It is a huge part of who I am and I know I'll be devastated but in the end I know that my life is more important and that I have so many beautiful blessings now. Still, I am hoping and praying that one day I will be able to have another child and hold a miracle baby in my arms.

Baby Robins

2011-04-25T23:48:00.004-05:00

Today when I took Savannah and Emma to dance practice I had an errand to run so I dropped them off and went quickly to do what I needed to do. When I came back I sat in the car directly in front of the small building they were in.

The girls kept coming out (all the girls, not just mine) to look at something. They'd have a frown on their face and I'd hear an "awwww" from them. When one class ended one of the other girls came out and I overheard her tell her mom what was going on. It seems that a robin had built a nest on the beams above the door and one of her babies had fallen out of the nest and died. Unfortunately it was covered with ants and no one could do anything about it. The girls were all coming out to have pity on the little bird.

My girls stayed inside for the next practice (they have separate dance times so we are there for 2 hours). During this time I watched the mama robin fly back and forth from the tree to the beam. I watched her hop on the ground in a protective way. I could hear the tiny chirps of the other baby birds in the nest. I felt sad for the mama for losing her baby and for her being so distressed over it. Pretty soon she flew off to the tree and didn't come back. The tiny chirps had stopped too.

When practice was over my girls came out and I heard them gasping by the door. I got out of the car to see what was happening. It seems that nest had completely fallen from the beam and the two tiny birds that were left had fallen out and were killed. I went to my car to get something so I could pick them up and off the payment. I put them in the nest and took the nest to the base of the tree. It was so sad to pick up their tiny lifeless bodies. They were so small, so new, so beautiful in their own little way.

Savannah told me that when they had gotten there before the nest had fallen and one of the other moms had put it back up on the beam. The first time it fell two tiny birds were killed. One had already been overcome by the ants but the girl's mom took the other and put it in the grass. Here I thought the mama bird had lost 3 babies but it turned out it was four. While I don't pretend to think that the bird felt the kind of loss we as human do, I do feel she felt lost and bewildered, perhaps even frantic over it.

Picking up those two tiny birds was hard. I tried to be gentle and I tried to show all the girls that I was respectful of them as well. They were living creatures and it's sad when one dies, especially like that. The experience today stirred up some feelings I was trying to keep down. Is it silly that I could relate to that mama bird? I've been thinking about it all evening.

I know my little ones have wings of their own now. I know they are soaring. But I still feel like that mama bird... frantic and wondering what happened.

I Do

2011-04-06T10:29:00.003-05:00

Today Mike and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. There were so many people who thought we would never make it. We were married less than a year out of high school and the odds were stacked against us. I was only 18 and he was only 19. But we knew what we wanted and what was best for us. We had dated for 3 years prior to getting married and while that didn't really prepare us for marriage it did show us how much we loved one another and how much we truly wanted to be together.

The last 20 years have been filled with the best and worst times of my life. We have been on incredible highs and felt the bottom of incredible lows. But through it all we have been together, holding each other up and holding tight to one another. Our love has seen us through more than we could ever imagine... war, military deployments, births of our children, deaths of our children, death of a parent, job changes, buying a house, surgeries and sicknesses, times of feast and times of famine. We have held each other through all the good times and bad.

I know that I am very blessed to have Mike in my life. He is my other half, my soulmate and my love. I can't imagine my life without him. I thank him for this incredible life he has given me, that we have given each other.

I love you Mike. I pray we have so many more years together. I am so happy to be your wife and your friend. You are an incredible man and I am so very fortunate you chose me to spend life with you. Words can't begin to tell you how very much you mean to me and how very much I love you.

If you were to ask me today if I would marry you all over again my answer would be a resounding "I Do!" I do today and always take you forever. I love you!

Alone

2011-04-05T20:25:00.003-05:00

I feel alone. I know that I'm not... I'm surrounded by lots of children, my husband, caring friends but I still feel alone.

My heart hurts so much lately. I am trying so hard to heal and some days it feels like I am, but then night comes and I am alone again.

I want my baby. I want him back more than I can even say. I feel bad because while I hurt with the others I lost I have never hurt this badly before. It's not a reflection on how much I loved each of them but I guess a reflection on all that we've been through... not just with William's pregnancy and delivery, but within the whole last year and with losing Joseph and Sarah as well.

I feel wrong for admitting that my hurt is so much deeper this time. That it is so difficult to heal. I know it's not wrong to feel this way but I do feel bad for feeling it. I try my hardest to make sure my living children know how much they are loved and that I don't make any of them feel less wanted or loved and I can only hope my babies in heaven know this too.

I want so badly to be pregnant. That desire for another baby hasn't just gone away, it's still there always beckoning me, every day, all day long. It's never far from my mind. It's every bit as strong now as it was with my very first baby. It's a funny thing how that desire just grabs hold of you and doesn't let go. It's almost a slap in the face to feel that way... I don't want to think of it all the time but I do. It makes my loss that much more prevalent to me.

I have been praying so hard for peace with all of this. Praying for God's will to be done in my life, but it's so hard to pray that prayer. There was a time when I lost Joseph last March that I couldn't pray the Our Father because I couldn't say those words, "Thy will be done". It was just too hard. It's even harder now but I know I have to pray those words because I can't do it on my own and God's plan will be much better than my own.

I feel alone. I know I'm not. I have my husband, my children, my friends and most importantly God, but sometimes, I still feel like I'm walking on this path by myself.

The Thirteenth Station

2011-03-26T19:50:00.007-05:00

The Thirteenth Station: Jesus Is Taken Down From The Cross

When I was in labor with William we went to the hospital for help. The waiting room was full and the nurse there told me to sit and wait. Recognizing that we weren't the only ones in need of care that day, we sat down as we were told to do. As my labor progressed and my daughter told the triage nurse that I was in need of attention right away we were told, "Sit down, we don't have any room for you." Several times we asked for help and all the times we asked we were told, "Sit down, we don't have any room for you." Even after William was born in the emergency waiting room we were told those words. It would be a lifetime before they came to get me and the baby to put us in a room. I couldn't help but think of Mary and Joseph as they looked for a place to birth their son. Repeatedly they were told there was no room for them. They ended up giving birth somewhere I'm sure they never would have imagined bringing their son into the world. The ER waiting room was our stable.

As we entered the Lenten season, in the Catholic faith we are encouraged to think about our lives and what we might be able to change so that we are living a more faith-filled and Christ-filled life. We regularly contemplate Jesus' Passion... the sufferings that he went through leading up to and including his death on the cross. In our faith we have a beautiful devotion to help us remember and contemplate Jesus' suffering and ultimate sacrifice. The devotion is called The Stations of the Cross. They are a walk through the events that Jesus suffered through. There are 14 stations and each is dedicated to a specific part of that journey.

While praying the stations I regularly think not only about Jesus' sacrifice and all that he suffered through but what his mother went through as well. I think about her seeing her son scourged and ridiculed. I think about her watching him carry his cross, bloody and tired, beaten and torn. I know her heart had to be broken in two. She was agonizing over all that her son was experiencing and would experience as he was nailed to the cross.

I can imagine her grief as she watched him be nailed to the cross and as he hung dying there. The anger she must have felt over the guards who were casting lots for his clothes, the despair she felt as she wondered what God's plans were. This woman was in so much anguish because her son was dying and so many around her didn't seem to care.

In December, as we pleaded for a place to give birth to our son I understood the desperation that Mary must have felt when waiting to give birth to her son. Now, during Lent, I understand her grief, anguish and pain as she watched her son die as so many watched and did nothing to stop it.

The Thirteenth Station is where Jesus is taken down from the cross. When we come to this station I can envision Mary gingerly wrapping Jesus in cloths, wiping the blood from his face and kissing his head. I see her holding him close, crying over his lifeless body and asking the Heavenly Father "why?". I can see the tears streaming down her face, her body sobbing, her heart so heavy. She doesn't understand why all this has happened but she's trusting in God's will. I can see this because I have done this. This station is a particulary hard one for me to pray about. I know that pain and I feel it still. Holding my son in my arms and to my chest I willed life back into him. While those prayers weren't answered I know, like Jesus, he has life again in Heaven. Still, I wish he had life here with me right now.

Each day I think about Mary when she first met Jesus while he was carrying the cross (The Fourth Station) and then again while he was being taken off the cross. The pain that she was feeling could not be felt by anyone else who was there. This man was her son. She carried him in her womb, felt him kick, gave birth to him. She watched him grow, took care of all his needs and nurtured him in a way no other could. Her pain was a pain that no other could feel at that time. 2000 years later I feel that pain so intensely. I know what it is like to give birth where there is no room. I know what it is like for my son to die with no one around you caring. I know what it's like to see my son's body tossed aside like it is trash, to see him bloodied and bruised and alone. Oh how I wish I didn't know that pain!

Mary was an incredible woman... to live through all she lived through and still have her faith is incredible. I look to her to show me how to have the strength to get through each day. I look to her to remind me that God will always get me through. I look to her to see how I should be as a mother... always praying, always faithful and always loving. I have so much work to do in my life but I am trying. I'm trying to remember that I am not alone in my suffering... she also suffered the loss of her child. My son's loss wasn't needed to open the gates of Heaven but it was needed for a reason. I hope that I will be shown that reason one day.

I often look at my hands and think back to William's birth. My hands were stained with blood and they shook with anger and fear. I think about how I held such perfection then. I realize how empty they look and feel now. It breaks my heart all over again. Mary was so blessed to be able to see her son so quickly again. I would give almost anything for the same blessing. I know that time will come one day. I just have to be patient and trust in God's timing. Of course, sometimes that's a whole lot easier to say than to do but I am trying my hardest to do just that.

An Epic Post?

2011-03-22T22:48:00.002-05:00

This is my 500th post. It should be an epic one but it's not. Each time I think about coming here to write I can only think about about my sorrow. I'm not sure how much of that people actually want to read. Still, it's what is always on my mind.

I know that I'm not depressed as I can function fine and am truly happy. I can laugh and smile and joke. I love life and am happy with my family and what I have. But I know that I am missing something.

Today was a great day! The weather was beautiful and the kids were all in good moods. We also had "science day" at our house. The kids love science day. It's a day when we only do science. We did a number of experiments and they had a blast (literally!). We laughed and learned and truly had a wonderful day! I really love days like these. Even though it was a good day it was still a day where I was accutely aware of what we have lost.

There are some days that are easier (like today) and some that are just plain hard. Lately I've encountered many, many hard days. It's even harder because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it anymore. I have reached out a few times and yet it seems everyone has moved on. They don't have time for tears. They don't realize that I am still crying. No one is mourning like I am still. It's only been 3 months since we lost William. 3 months... such a short time and a lifetime all in one.

I want to get back to writing but I feel like the only thing I want to write about right now is my lost babies. It's been a year now since we lost Joseph. It's been 8 months since we lost Sarah. It's been 3 months since we lost William and I lost a lot of faith in so many people.

I often think in terms of "if we hadn't lost Joseph he'd be crawling now" or "if we hadn't lost Sarah I'd be holding a 1 1/2 month old baby!" or "if we hadn't lost William I'd be almost 7 months pregnant!" I think this is so different for me because in our other losses I have always gotten pregnant and carried to term afterward. Yes, there has always been the thoughts of "if this or if that" but because I went on to carry a baby those thoughts didn't linger like they do now. It was terrifying to carry the baby after a loss because all you could think about was "what if I lose this one too" but in the end I would carry to term so perhaps it wasn't as hard as it is now.

At this point my thoughts are muddled as I am trying to think what I truly want to say. I don't know really. I know my heart hurts so much. I know I feel betrayed by my body. I know that I want so desperately to hold my babies. I want so much to be pregnant again... to have a healthy pregnancy that ends with me holding a tiny baby in my arms who grasps onto my finger like he will never let go. Instead, I sit here still trying to make sense of this tragedy that we experienced, wondering if we will ever understand. I don't think we will.

I know I have more to write. I wish I could write about all we experienced... about the tragedy and horrible way we lost William. I worry though about the problems that might arise if we go to court over all of it. I wish I could share that story, perhaps it would help me to heal. Instead I have to keep it bottled up for now.

I hope you can excuse me for not writing happy things. Right now I need this place as somewhere I can go to record what's on my heart and mind. I don't know how long it will be until I can write about other things. If you are my friend on Facebook you can read about them there since I am always posting funny things. But here, well, here has to be my refuge. I have to write about my sorrows for a while. I'm pretty sure my posts won't be epic just heartfelt. I hope that's ok.

The Passing of Time

2011-03-02T00:05:00.002-05:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of our son Joseph's birth. It's amazing to me that a year has gone by already. I clearly remember the day that I found out that my son was gone. Just the day before I had cried with a friend as she found out her baby was gone. It was a very surreal experience to know know that my child was gone too the very next day. Just two days prior we had both been happy, laughing about sharing our pregnancies and babyhood together. It was unreal how quickly things changed for us both.

The day I found out that Joseph was gone I drove to a park and sat in my car and cried for hours. How would I tell my children that another sibling was gone? We were supposed to be out of that "danger zone". What went wrong? I was devastated. I had lost babies in the past but never this late in pregnancy. Never after seeing a heartbeat 6 separate times. Never after feeling that little one kicking and squirming.

I would have never thought that losing Joseph was just going to be the start of continual losses and sadness. The past year has been so hard on us. I'm not sure how we have gotten through it all. I can't even begin to say how much I miss my babies.

I think of my little ones every single day. Lately they are all that occupies my mind. I am trying so hard to heal. If Joseph had lived and made it to his due date he'd be just about 7 months old now. He'd be crawling and getting into things. He'd be laughing and cooing and snuggling. I'd nurse him when he was hungry and rock him when he was sleepy. I'd sing to him the same songs I have sung for all my babies when they are small. I caress his cheeks while he slept and whisper in his ears just how much I love him. Oh, if I could have him in my arms!

My heart hurts so much. I want my babies. I need my babies. I wish I could understand God's plan for us. I wish I knew what all this hurt was about. I trust God to lead me but I am hurting every step of the way. I know my babies are all safe in Christ's arms but there are days that I am selfish and wish they were in my own instead.

Joseph, I miss you every single day. I love you so very much. I can't tell you how much I miss you. You were here for such a short time but you will be in my heart until the end of time. I love you forever.

And So Another Generation Passes On

2011-02-17T23:24:00.003-05:00

On January 26th my mother lost her battle to cancer. She had been fighting for so long and it finally overtook her. If you are a reader here you may recall me talking about her calling me to tell me back in November that she had been diagnosed with terminal spinal cancer. It was funny that I was just going to write a post about someone I needed to forgive. I wrote how my mother and I had been trying to patch up our relationship and that now that hope for a better future would be taken away.

When my mother told me that she had terminal cancer she spoke of the doctors thinking they could give her 3-5 years more life. I knew they were wrong. I knew immediately that it was going to take her fast and that she would not be here to see Kaylie, my oldest daughter who is a senior this year, graduate. I knew it just as I clearly as I knew that the sky is blue. I had no doubts that my mom's time was short. I didn't realize though that it would be just a mere 2 months later that she would be gone.

I spent most of January either with her in Missouri or traveling to be with her. The time I spent up there with her was the longest I've ever spent away from my children. I was already grieving the loss of William and then all of a sudden I was told that hospice had been called in and that my mother was losing her battle.

We had originally planned a trip to Missouri for the 14th of January and my father insisted that my mom would be ok until that point. My sisters, on the other hand, did not think so. Hospice was called in on Tuesday January 4th and I decided to make a trip by myself to see my mom on the 7th. It was quite the trip. I flew standby from Atlanta to Kansas City. I had about an hour to make the decision to go and then to find someone to take me to the airport as Mike was serving warrants and was gone. I called him and told him I was flying out in an hour and that I would call him when I landed. One of my good friends drove me to the airport and the next thing I knew Mike's parents were picking me up in Kansas City. I am so thankful I made that trip.

My mother knew me immediately when she saw me and was surprised that I was there. Still she called me by name and told me she was happy to see me. I had crocheted a quilt for her (I had done so many years ago and she had asked me for another quilt. I had finally made one prior to her getting sick and had planned to give it to her for Christmas). She loved it. I was so happy that she saw it before she began to deteriorate even more.

When I first saw my mom I was stunned. She was only 61 but looked 80. She had aged so much in just a few weeks. The pictures I had seen of her at Christmas with my neices and nephews were such a contrast to what she looked like only 2 weeks later. It broke my heart to see her so weathered and so weary. She had never looked sick even when she was in the throes of her cancers. Now she looked sick. She looked like she was dying.

After I arrived she was able to recognize us for a day or so and then she started her rapid decline. I was shocked at how fast she went from being able to talk to us to not being able do anything... she could no longer eat, drink, clear her throat.

Because of an ice storm in Georgia I ended up staying in Kansas City for longer than I anticipated. I couldn't fly out and so midweek I drove Mike's parents' car home to Georgia. That was an ordeal in itself but that's for another time. As I got home I got the kids ready and then as a family we drove back up to Kansas City on January 14th. We got calls along the way that they thought she was going to die before we got there to see her. We were urged to get there as quickly and safely as we could. We ended up getting into Kansas City at about 11:00 pm. We went straight to my mom so that we could all see her and say our goodbyes. Seeing us and hearing us stablized her vitals and she rallied her strength to get through another day.

While we were in Kansas City I stayed mostly at my parents house helping to take care of my mother. The kids and Mike stayed with Mike's parents. I can honestly say that I am so thankful that I was there to be able to help with my mom's care. I was so blessed to see how my father interacted with my mom. Never in my life had I ever seen my father show such great love, kindness and compassion for my mom as I did during those weeks. My respect and love for him grew 100 fold.

All my sisters and my brother came in to help as well. As a family we had experienced hard times many years ago. We had been separated by things that should not have separated us. During this time while my mother was dying our bonds were growing and living again. Working together to care for our mom brought us closer together and allowed us to all forgive and move forward again. The years of hurt slipped away and we laughed and joked and cried together.

My mother clung to life so tightly. After a week of being in Kansas City with my children and husband we had to come home again. I hated leaving my family but I knew we had to be back in Georgia. I wanted so badly to be holding my moms hand as she finally left this world but it wasn't to be. Just 5 days after coming home to Georgia I got a phone call from my sister saying that hospice had called all the family to come together to be with my mom as they thought she was finally leaving her struggles and pain. An hour and a half later my sister called again, crying and telling me she was so sorry I couldn't be there as mom left this world. We cried together and I told her I was at peace with how things were.

We returned for the funeral and spent another week in Kansas City. We weren't going to stay that long but the blizzard that took over the midwest kept us there longer than we had thought we would stay. It was probably for the best as we got a few extra days of just doing nothing. It was a pleasant change from the tremendous stress that we had been under for the entire month of January.

We are back in Georgia and now we are trying to get our lives back under control. We are still mourning the loss of William and some days are so hard to get through. Today was one of them. I haven't been able to grieve for my tiny baby yet in the manner in which I know I need to grieve. My heart hurts and I want more than anything to have my baby back. I'm thankful that while I can't hold him that maybe my mom is holding him in heaven. She wasn't good with babies here on earth but something tells me that in heaven she is. I pray that's the case anyway!

And so another generation passes on... both my own mother and father are gone now. My grandparents are all gone. I am the next generation for my children. I pray that I lead my children and their children and their children wisely and faithfully. I hope that I live my life in a manner that they will always know that they are loved and wanted and needed. If I can do that then I know I will have succeeded in passing on to the next generation what we all need the most in life and I can rest easy knowing I did my best and loved with all my heart and soul.

So Angry

2011-01-03T21:49:00.002-05:00

I'm trying my hardest to keep my emotions under control but two things have come up in the last two days that make me so angry that I'm having a hard time with it.

The first is that I talked with the hospital today and the person who was leading the investigation into all that happened to us at the hospital when I gave birth to William told me that she has "talked" with those involved and that things will be better. That no one else will be treated the way we were treated that day. I asked if anyone lost their jobs over the issues. She said no, that they decided that things will improve and that they are changing their policy that only certified nurses can work in the ER triage for now on. While that is a great change it isn't enough. The horror that we went through that day, that we have dealt with for the last two weeks and will continue dealing with deserves more than just having people "talked to". Unfortunately it looks as if we will have to proceed further with this. I really don't want to.

The second thing that makes me so angry, and actually hurts my feelings as well, is something that one of Mike's coworker's wife said to Mike. She called him on Friday to let him know that someone was trying to get ahold of him for an informant. At the time she called he was at the cemetary with our son preparing William's grave for his burial later that day. He told her where he was and what he was doing. He told her that he didn't have anything to write the information down on so he'd have to get it later. She responded with a comment, "You know, that should be illegal to have so many kids. You know you guys are just going to go out and make another baby anyway."

Holy cow! The fact that we have so many children should be of no consequence to anyone. We take care of our children, providing for their needs and quite honestly they are some of the best kids I have ever known! The fact that we've lost 3 this past year and that we've lost so many others should also be of no worry to her. Where in the world does she get off telling my husband that it should be illegal for us to have so many kids. How insensitive to say that we'll just go out and make another anyway!

Back in 2007 when I was expecting Dominic she constantly made comments to me that I should just give her the baby since I could make more (she could not have children). When we lost Dominic she never made another comment again about me giving her a child although later she did go on to make snide comments to her husband about not being perfect and not having 10 kids like some people. I know part of her words are out of jealousy and perhaps hurt that she can't have children. I also know that some of them are a result from her addiction to pain pills. Still, those reasons are not reason enough to be insensitive and mean. It is never ok to be that way. I would never treat someone like that and it hurts to be treated like that. It hurts even more for my husband to be treated that way. He hides his pain so much and for him to mention it to me means that he was hurting a lot over it.

Sometimes the trials of life are made worse by those around us... people who don't think before they speak. People you hope will be there for you but aren't. People who just don't care about anyone but themselves. It sure does make healing harder.

I hate feeling angry. I hate even more though that people are so insensitive and rude. I hate that the "system" is the way it is and that we are going to have to go through more grief and stress to have the system changed. I wish we could change some of those around us like we hope to change the hospital system. Unfortunately some don't want to change and are perfectly content with being mean and rude and uncaring. I feel sorry for those people. I think you have to be pretty miserable in your life to be so terrible to others.

I've resolved to pray for this woman but it's going to be hard. I'm praying for those at the hospital that treated us so terribly. I'm praying for wisdom to know what to do in terms of the hospital. I'm praying for me... for strength and hope and trust. I know that not everyone out there is uncaring, disrespectful and hateful. It sure seems like I've run into a lot of that lately though. It sure makes it harder to move forward.

Anxious For The New Year

2011-01-01T23:06:00.003-05:00

2010 was a hard year for us, probably the hardest year we've ever had. I was ready to see it go. Last night we opened the back door at midnight to let the old year out. As we closed the back door we opened the front to let the new year in. I had never done this before and had only read about it yesterday. I figured it was worth a try to get rid of a year that was so incredibly hard.

Yesterday we ended the year by burying William. I can only think that as hard as it was to close out the old year with something so very sad that the new can only get better. I'm praying that is so anyway.

With this new year at hand I am hopeful. I am hopeful that we will heal and that we will continue to find joy in all that we have been blessed with. We have so much to look forward to this year and I am hoping that with each new day we experience happiness amid the sorrow; joy among the pain; and faith when we start to doubt.

I found a quote the other day that I just loved. It says, "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne. It sums up my hope and wish for the new year. I am praying that in the quiet we will find the happiness that hid in the sorrow so many times this year. I know that we will continue to grieve, but I also know that we will go on. We will pick ourselves up and continue forward, trusting, loving and reveling in God's love and blessings.

As I have looked back on our year through my writings I am reminded how many wonderful things occured in the year 2010. Yes, we suffered tremendously and we still suffer, but we experienced so much joy, so much love and so much happiness. My husband showed me every day how much he loves me, my children brought me more joy than I could ever imagine, making me laugh each and every day, and my friends were there when I needed them most. While there were some very hard times, times I wouldn't wish on anyone, there were so many wonderful times mixed in.

I am praying for the new year to bring us more joy, more happiness and less sorrow. However, I know that whatever the new year brings we will get through it together, as a family, and will come out stronger and closer in the end. I am wishing each of you the same blessings... that God will bless you with people who love you more than anything, with laughter and smiles, hope and faith.

This new year is a blank story... I am anxious to see how it is written. God bless and I can't wait to hear your stories as well!

William Nathaniel

2010-12-27T00:08:00.003-05:00

I was just looking at my blog tonight and realized that one of the last posts I made was about something I hoped to never do again. As I read that post I couldn't believe that it was just a little over a month ago and yet here I am again writing about a sadness that I just couldn't envision going through again.

On Tuesday, December 21 our tiny son William Nathaniel was born too soon. My heart breaks for my son and for my family. The circumstances that surrounded his birth were so very hard and probably the most horrific experience so far of my life. Never in a million years would I have expected my son to be born into a world that had no respect for him or for myself. It makes me so sad to know that life is valued so little by some.

On Tuesday I went into labor and because Mike was at work I had my oldest daughter Kaylie take me to the hospital here in town. We went to the emergency room and told the triage nurse what was happening. I was told to sit down as there were no rooms available. As my labor progressed and I knew the baby was coming Kaylie once again pleaded for help for me. The nurses there did nothing only telling me to sit down because there was no room. Surrounded by strangers, who were all staring at me and no one offering to help, I gave birth to my precious William in the middle of the ER. I cried out for help and once again was told that I needed to sit down and wait. I sobbed as there was nothing I could do to save my son. Kaylie pleaded with the people to help. Things actually got worse from there but honestly I just can't bear to write them out right now. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

Right now I am trying to come to terms with not only losing my sweet baby but with how we were treated and how to still believe that people are good. I know that there are good people out there, I know many of them, but that day I'm not sure why there were none around. To see that side of humanity was shocking. I pray to never see it again. It makes me sad to know that there are so many out there who don't value life, either the born or the unborn.

I am here quietly crying and wishing that I could have a Christmas miracle. I want my son back. I know that the miracle I was given was being the mother to William for the time I was given. To know him so intimately, to feel him kicking inside, to know that for the short time he was here he knew me and I knew him. It should be enough but it's not. I want my son to still be growing inside of me. I want to welcome him to our family in June. I want more than anything to hold him and kiss him and love him.

I wish I knew why we go through the trials we go through. Losing three children this year alone has been hard on me. While I know I could never live my life any other way I also wonder why we have lost so many babies and especially after seeing their hearts beating and their tiny arms and legs kicking and moving. They had a chance at life and their chance was taken away so quickly. My heart aches and my soul aches more. I wish God could tell me the whys of it all. I wish he could give me back my children. I miss them so much. I know being open to life is being open to loss but we have experienced so much loss. I trust in God's plans for me but I also wish I could know why we have been through so much and especially why we had to be a part of such a horrific experience. My son deserved so much more than what those people gave him.

William, I love you so much, more than I could ever say. I miss you and my arms ache to hold you. I pray that you and your siblings are with each other. I know one day I will see you and hold you but until that day know that I will never stop loving you or missing you.

Day 7- Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living

2010-11-21T13:03:00.003-05:00

Normally I think this post would be about my husband Mike who is pretty much my world. However, I thought I would write about someone who has made my life worth living too and in a different way than Mike.

My oldest daughter Kaylie is, I'm sure, my twin separated by almost 21 years and born from me instead of my mom. She and I are so very similar and yet so very different too.

Kaylie has always been very special. Mike was gone when I was pregnant with her. He was serving in the Marine Corps and was overseas involved in Operation Restore Hope in Somolia. It was such a hard time for me to be alone, worrying about Mike in such a dangerous area and pregnant and dealing with several complications that arose (and pregnancy hormones!). When I went into labor I was so sad that Mike would miss the birth of his first child.

While I was pregnant I had an inkling that Kaylie would be a girl but I was holding out so much hope for a boy first. We didn't know going to her birth what her sex was. Mike desperately wanted a boy and I had always said I didn't want any girls (since I had so many sisters) and I wanted 9 boys. God has a funny way of changing our plans!

When Kaylie was born and they declared, "It's a girl!" I was shocked and overwhelmed. I admit I had a fleeting moment of disappointment as I had always wanted a boy first so that whoever followed would have the big brother I never had. And then they laid this teeny, tiny baby girl on my chest. She wasn't crying at all and just looked at me. I immediately fell in love. As they took her from me to give her oxygen my arms ached to hold her again. I couldn't believe that little girl was mine.

It was such an amazing feeling to become a mother. It's one that I can't describe and yet all mothers will understand what that feeling is. My heart was now living outside of me and while I loved Mike so much more than I could ever explain, this was a new kind of love. I looked at my new baby girl and knew what my life's purpose was... it was to provide everything I could- love, hope, goodness, material goods, education, a love of God- to this child. It was awe inspiring to finally understand what I was here for and what I needed to do.

Over the years Kaylie has kept me laughing. She's comforted me when I've cried. She makes me angry sometimes and then melts my heart when she grows from those mistakes. She is wise beyond her years, a very "old soul". I feel like she has always been a part of me, always been with me. She is a wonderful big sister, a wonderful friend to those who need her. She's so very intelligent (bordering on a genius) and yet she's such a humble soul too. While she's has her flaws, as we all do, I will say that she is such a caring, loving person that it's easy to forgive when she does make a mistake.

I feel so very blessed that God gave me this child to be my own. I love her so much and she has made my life worth living. I will be lost when she leaves for college or moves out to be on her own. I know the time is getting close, she is a senior afterall, but I'm trying to focus on the times we still have together and how I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She touches everyone she comes in contact with and I know that I am a better person for having her in my life. She makes being a mother easy and she makes being a mother a wonderful job to have. I feel confident that she will go far in life and that she will continue to impact others as she always has.

I love you Kaylie. I am thankful you are mine. You have made my life so much better just by being here.

Day 6- Something I Hope To Never Do

2010-11-20T14:16:00.002-05:00

I guess for this post I should add the word "again" to the title. I've already done the worst thing in the world and I hope to never do it again.

I hope to never have to bury another child again.
Before we lost Joseph all the other children we had lost were lost early in pregnancy or were taken by D&C and we never had a body to bury. When we lost Joseph and delivered him we were faced with decisions we had never been through before. We suddenly needed a casket, clothing or blankets to bury our child in, we needed to decide where to bury our baby... would it be at the church or at our land? Decisions that had never crossed my mind at all now left me blindsided.

Mike and Garrett built a casket for Joseph. I was shocked at how beautiful it was. Maybe one day I will share that picture here. I was amazed at how much work went into something so small and how it end up being so perfect. I couldn't imagine that Mike could even know how to make something like that on his own. The love he put into it was unbelieveable. My heart was just so touched that those two men in my life did something so beautiful for Joeseph, for me.

Mike and I went shopping for something to bury our tiny baby in. It was such a hard trip to make. There was nothing small enough for him to wear and so we decided to wrap him in a baptismal cloth and then in a blanket we bought special for him. Mike and I didn't agree at first on which blanket to buy. I wanted something that was just so soft and cuddly but Mike wanted something that had cars and trucks and just screamed, "I'm a boy!" on it. In the end we agreed that since we couldn't dress our son in something that showed he was a boy that the blanket could say that for us. We went with the blanket with the cars and trucks on the ribbing. It was perfect.

I remember saying to Mike while we walked around the store that it was just so unreal to be shopping for the blanket that we would be burying our child in and yet no one in the store knew that was what we were there for. Just he and I knew what pain it was to buy the items we were there to buy.

When we made the decision to bury Joseph on our land we then had to decide where exactly he would lay. That decision was so hard. If we ever are able to build our home there we didn't want to ever have to disturb him but we wanted him close enough to where we would eventually build. Once we settled on that resting place we started to dig. Mike, Garrett and I took turns digging both with a shovel and with our hands. We then lined the hole with bricks and rocks so we could try to make it as waterproof as possible. Taking stones out and replacing them with just the right ones was a labor of love. I'm not sure how we got through that day. We went home knowing that Little Joe's grave was waiting for him.

The day we buried our son we brought all the kids with us. We bought white roses so that each of the kids could have a flower to lay on the grave. We placed Joseph's casket in the grave and then proceeded to cover up his casket. It was so hard to drop the dirt onto him. The kids who wanted to help, helped, the ones who wanted to watch, watched. We all held hands and prayed that God would take care of our tiny angel and that He would allow our tiny angel to always look out for us. We knew that Joseph was safe in Jesus' arms and with the other children we had already lost before him. Still, knowing that he was now in the ground was so very hard. The kids each put a flower on his grave and we left. To walk away knowing that my child was now going to be away from me was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

While I have lost another child since then we were not able to bury her in the same way we buried Joseph. I'm not sure if I would have been able to go through that same situation so soon after. Sarah's loss was hard enough but to think about going through the same senerio would have been so hard to do.

I pray that I never have to bury another child again. I know that with Joseph we were very lucky to be able to grieve in a very personal and quiet way. If one of our children now were to die and we were to have to go through so much again the inablity to grieve quietly and privately would not be there and I think it would be too much for my heart to go through.

I know that it is a possiblity that one day we will lose another child. I hope that I will die before any of my children and that I won't die for a long, long time. I have always teased Mike that we are going to be one of those amazing couples that celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary so I don't plan to die for a very long time! I pray that I am surrounded by all of my children when that happens. I never want to bury another child again. That pain is one that will stay with me forever.

Day 5- Something I Hope To Do In My Life

2010-11-19T20:39:00.002-05:00

Oh the ol Bucket List! I have something on my bucket list that hopefully I will do sometime in the next few years. I would love to go skydiving!

Some of my kids think I'm crazy because I won't bungee jump but I'm so eager to go skydiving. I just think that once you get past that initial fear of actually jumping out of the plane that the thrill of the dive would be so amazing.

One day I'll do it. Of course it'll probably have to be when I'm done having babies but I can wait a few more years. It makes me smile just thinking about it!

Day 4- Something I Need to Forgive Someone For...

2010-11-18T21:08:00.003-05:00

Wow, I had this post all ready to write. I knew what I wanted to say and I was going to have my post on the day it should have posted. And then I got a phone call.

All my life I have felt not near as important as my sisters and brother. I felt like I was pushed to the background for various reasons. I was the "good kid" and never really got into trouble. I was the "smart kid" and always did well in school. I really did ok in just about everything I attempted. Because of this, and many other reasons (oh the issues!!!) I was left to feel like I wasn't as important as the others, that I didn't matter.

One day my mother asked me why I was so upset. I remember sitting across from her at our kitchen table talking and she was irritated that I was so sullen. I told her I didn't want to tell her. She insisted and so I said in my tiny 10 year old voice, "I don't feel like you love me as much as you love all the others." I was crying when I said it. It was so hard to say.

My mom didn't have the reaction that I thought she'd have. I thought she would wipe away my tears, gather me in her arms and assure me that I was loved just as much as everyone else. That I was special too. Instead my mother took my glasses off and proceeded to smack me across the face many times while saying with a voice filled with rage, "I love you every bit as much as everyone else!" Oh how those strikes stung not only my face but also my heart! They left such a scar that to this day I can feel them! Afterward, she told me to go and sit on my bed and think about what I had just said.

I remember sitting on my bed thinking about how she just confirmed how much I was not loved. That was a tramatic day and one that I have never let go of. I guess if I felt like things had changed much in the last 28 years I might be able to let it go. As a mother myself, and one of so many children, I know that to react that way is absolutely inexcusible. Iknow how hard it is to juggle many personalities and needs. I know how much I agonize over making sure my children know and feel loved. I would be devastated if one of my children said that to me, but I would never react in that manner!

I confronted my mother once, 7 years ago, about how I felt as a child. She told me that at the time she did what she felt was right and that she was just trying to survive each day. She admitted that what I felt was what had happened. I guess if it had all been in my mind it might be easier to forgive but to have her admit that I was right, well, it hurt even more! I always wonder if she would change the things she did (including the one above) if she could see how it affected things now. Unfortunately that talk 7 years ago didn't change anything.

When I lost Joseph in March she was very distant and very judgmental about how we were planning to birth him at home and then bury him on the land that we own and hope to build on one day. When I emailed family and friends about our loss I never heard a single word back from her. In the months that followed she never once asked how I was doing, even though we talked on the phone. Finally, I asked her about it. I told her how hurt I was that not once did she ask about me, did she ask about Mike. I told her that if she didn't know what to say just saying, "I'm praying for you. I love you." would have been more than enough. I also confronted her about her lack of interest in our lives. Her responses didn't make me feel better, in fact they made me feel worse.

At that time I told her that for 20 years I have been trying to get her to have an interest in my life and now I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. That I wasn't sure I wanted or needed that in my life. I know I crushed her. I don't think she realized how much she had truly hurt me. I felt horrible but at the same time I was so tired of feeling hurt and of my children feeling hurt. I wrote an email to my mother later that day saying that I didn't really want her out of my life but that I needed to feel like I wasn't the only one making an effort to have a relationship. I told her that I loved her and that I missed her. Over the next few months my mom and I have started talking again. She is making an effort and I am trying to let go. Forgiveness is the easy part, letting go of the hurt is the difficult part. Still, I am trying and I truly am making an effort. I still love my mom and I still want her in my life.

So this takes me to the phone call that I got just hours before I planned to post here. My mom called me on the 11th to tell me that she had gotten some tests back from her doctor's office. She has fought cancer twice now and won. She had called me to tell me that the cancer she has now is terminal. We talked about what they can and can't do for her and we talked about what she plans to do now. I cried to her that I didn't want her to leave us. I have never meant those words so much as I did that day.

When we got off the phone I thought about this post. All those hurts from the past are still there. My mom and I were trying to patch up what had been broken and now we might not be able to mend it all. I'm trying to forgive all those hurts especially knowing that I really don't want any of that to be between us in her last days, weeks, months, or hopefully years. My heart hurts so much knowing that so much time has been lost by both of us... by her for not seeing what an amazing family we have here and by not truly getting to know us. And I have lost so much time by holding on to those past hurts and applying them to the new ones that have been made. While I have truly tried over the years I know in the last few years I have pulled back so much so I wouldn't get as hurt. Perhaps I should have still been trying, never giving up.

I plan on making the most of the time we have left. I want her to know that she raised a wonderful woman who is now raising amazing children, who has a wonderful husband and the best life I could hope for. I can only hope that she will make the effort too. If she doesn't it will be hurt I don't know that I will ever get over.

When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive. ~Alan Paton

On A Happy Note

2010-11-10T11:48:00.002-05:00

I had my ultrasound Monday and saw a perfectly formed, perfectly growing baby who's heart was beating at a perfect rate. It was a wonderful appointment and I was thrilled and relieved to know that so far things look good for this tiny person who is growing inside of me.

I told both of our parents yesterday and told a couple of my sisters as well. I am planning on telling everyone early this time. I have decided that even if we lose this baby I would rather that everyone had known about him/her instead of no one recognizing that this little life existed. That was very difficult to go through with Sarah. There are so many who still don't know she was here and that she was loved and wanted. I want everyone to share in this life with us no matter how long or short it may be. We know there will be naysayers but that's ok. Those who love and support us will be the people we focus on!

If you can continue to pray we'd appreciate it!

Day 3- Something I Have To Forgive Myself For

2010-11-10T11:33:00.003-05:00

This topic is really hard for me. I don't forgive myself very easily for my mistakes, either the ones I knew would be mistakes or the ones that I innocently made. Still, there comes a time when you need to let go.

Over the last 8 months I have worried and wondered if there was something I did to make my body lose Joseph. I know I didn't do my insulin shots religiously, there were many I missed because I was just too busy to make time to do them. I think about when I started bleeding just a week and a half before we actually lost him and the doctor suggested a modified bedrest. I was too busy to listen. I have 9 other children who needed my attention. I had responsiblities to the church, to groups we belong to, to neighbors and friends. I didn't slow down. I think about the things I ate... did I eat too many things high in sugar? Was the cheese I ate a friend's house that came from a baby shower and she had no idea what kind it was on the list of cheese's that are a no-no for pregnant women? I took a sip of a beer just days before finding out Joseph was gone. I don't even like beer but had a sip.

Did I make it so that my son didn't live?

In reality I know that there were signs of problems before these things. We believe Joseph probably had Down's Syndrome based on a few tests we had done. We know his heart was not right, you could see how it beat on ultrasound and know that not only did it beat way too fast but it did not flow in the normal manner. So while we will never know since we didn't do any genetic testing on him, we do know that there were signs of problems beforehand.

Still, it doesn't make it any easier on me. I still blame myself.

I know that I need to forgive myself even if none of my actions led to my son's death. It's so hard to do though. I think I will always question and wonder. I look at my actions with my next pregnancy with Sarah and know that I did everything right that time including bedrest and insulin shots. I didn't eat anything I shouldn't. I didn't go anywhere, exert myself, or have a sip of beer. We still lost that little baby too. I know I should look at that and see that perhaps what happened with Joseph was just what was meant to be but I know I'll always question if I could have changed things.

Forgiveness is difficult. I find it much more difficult to forgive myself than I do others. I often wonder if others feel the same way.

Day 2- Something I Love About Myself

2010-11-08T08:01:00.002-05:00

Hmm, as I thought abou this question I wondered how you can write about something you love about yourself without sounding conceited. There are lots of things I love about myself if only because of my faith in God and the realization that God created me perfectly in his image.

However as I thought about the topic I realized that there are two things about me that I really love a lot. The first is my faith. The second is my fertility. Both though go hand in hand.

My faith teaches me to be open to life and we live that life even though it is a hard one. Still the graces and blessings we have received from living that way are so great. While not everyone who is open to life is near as fertile as I am I know that because of my faith my fertility has stuck around a lot longer. Not because I think God is rewarding me over someone else but because if I didn't have the faith I do, the openness to life, then I might have decided before to do something to affect my fertility and we wouldn't have so many children.

My fertility has been a blessing to me but it has also caused me so much heartache. With losing two children this year alone and so many others in the past being so fertile has been a double edged sword. We know for us that even if we are more than a week out from ovulation that I can get pregnant and that means we are opening ourselves up to the heartache of possibly losing a child again. It's a very hard way to live.

I guess all of this is on my mind today (actually last night but Kaylie was on the computer so I couldn't post!) because today we have our first ultrasound to check on our newest baby. Today will either be a wonderful day or a very terrible one. I'm praying so hard that this time our attempt at bringing #10 into our family will be successful.

I love being pregnant. I love having life inside of me. I love feeling kicks and hiccups and wondering what the newest baby will be like. I love everything about being pregnant and I am thankful for such amazing fertility that has allowed me to experience pregnancy and new life over and over again. I love the faith that I have in God that allows me to put myself in this place time and time again. I love that God believes in me as well and blesses us so richly.

Day 1- Something I Hate About Myself

2010-11-06T20:38:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the delay! I really expected to start this right away and then life just got in the way! ;)

I have been mulling over this for about a week now and wondering what I should write about. I seriously have thought about this post probably a few dozen times in the past week. I thought about writing about several different things, I even sat down and started typing. But in the end I decided that I couldn't write about the things I considered.

So I had to think hard to find something I truly hate about myself. When it came down to it I couldn't find a single thing that I truly hate. Sure there are things I really dislike (my weight, my nose, my inability to say no sometimes, etc) but those are things aren't things that I hate, just dislike.

I guess when it came down to finding something I hate I just didn't find anything. Perhaps it's my "Pollyanna" personality but to me, focusing on the things that you dislike is really a waste of time and energy. I don't like how much I weigh but I know it's a direct result of back to back pregnancies and illnesses. I won't always be this weight and if I was truly honest with myself I could start doing something about it now. But right now there are other things I am focused on, Mike doesn't mind how I look (and actually I think he likes that I am "soft" right now! LOL) and the kids all love me for who I am, not how I look. So when I think about it my weight isn't something to hate.

Nor is my inability to say no to people sometimes. There are times I wish I didn't take on so much but in the end I know that not only will I get it done but others will benefit from my help. It all works out and being kind and giving isn't something to hate.

There were other things I considered as well but honestly when I looked closely at the things I thought maybe I could "hate" about myself I found that I didn't hate them... they make me who I am. I like who I am and I trust that God knows what He is doing with me. There's an old saying that "God doesn't make junk" and I agree with that. But to take it one step further I think that while I might do things that are disappointing sometimes God still loves me for all my flaws, Mike still loves me, my children still love me and there is nothing about myself that is "hateable".

In Their Honor

2010-10-27T20:04:00.002-05:00

Today we had Mass said for our babies. For those of you not familiar, each Mass said is said in honor of a particular prayer intention. It can be for someone who has passed, it can be for those living, it can be for just about anything.

It was raining as we left for church this morning. It marked my mood... sad and dreary. I pictured the raindrops as the tears I was wanting to cry. As we lined up in our pew I knew the Mass would be hard to go through. As Joseph and Sarah's names were read it took everything in me not to weep.

While I know that my babies are safe in heaven it still is hard to be without them. Joseph should be almost 3 months old and if I had been able to maintain my pregnancy with Sarah I'd be only 3 1/2 months from having her.

I'm trying to remember that God's plans are always better than my own. Sitting in Mass today I knew that but to hear your children's names read and a Mass offered for the "repose of the souls of..." was hard to deal with and to understand. Still, I am trying and I am trusting.

As I sat in the church and prayed for my little ones that have been called to heaven sooner than I ever had wanted I also prayed for the newest baby that is growing inside of me... still so very tiny and so very wanted. I am only 6 weeks along and very scared that things won't go right. I have prayed and prayed to leave it to God to worry about and that I just work on making sure I do what I can to keep this tiny baby safe. I know that if I were to lose this baby too I will make it through but I have to say, I am praying hard that God doesn't expect that of me yet again.

I'm living my faith, I'm trusting in God and I'm hoping beyond all hope that this little baby will be ok. I asked his/her big brothers and sisters in heaven to say a special prayer for our newest baby on the way. I'm asking that you too will pray for us and that we will be ok no matter what will happen. Thank you for your love, thoughts and prayers.

Trying to Get Back To Business

2010-10-26T18:31:00.003-05:00

I miss blogging. Lately I've really tried to come up with ideas of what to write about but life is so busy that I haven't had great ideas to talk about. The kids are always saying funny things and while I post them to Facebook and then to my ongoing list I have on the computer I never get around to posting them here.

We have our ups and downs but nothing that stands out as blogworthy I guess. I'm trying though and I really want to get back into writing down what's going on. Sooooo... I found a writing Meme over at my good friend Angi's blog. I am going to steal it and try my hardest to write each day on the set topic. We'll see how it goes!

Here is the list in case you might want to do the same...

Day 1- Something you hate about yourself
Day 2- Something you love about yourself
Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6- Something you hope to never have to do
Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living
Day 8- Someone who has made your life a living hell or treated you badly
Day 9- Someone you didn't want to let go but drifted from
Day 10- Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11- Something people seem to compliment you on the most
Day 12- Something you never get compliments on
Day 13- A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days (write a letter)
Day 14- A hero that has let you down (write a letter)
Day 15- Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without
Day 16- Something or someone you could definitely live without
Day 17- A book you've read that changed your views on something
Day 18- Your views on gay marriage
Day 19- What do you think of religion or what do you think of politics?
Day 20- Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21- (senerio) Your best friend got into a car accident and you got into an argument just an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22- Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23- Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24- Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose the titles. (post the titles, artist and letter to that person)
Day 25- The reason you believe you are still alive today
Day 26- Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, why? When?
Day 27- The best thing going for you right now
Day 28- What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29- Something you hope to change about yourself and why
Day 30- A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about you!

So I can't promise I will get every day in in the next 30 days, it might take a tad longer, but I am aiming for a post a day! Some of the topics are pretty heavy and I'm hoping they make for great reflections and good posts.

Until tomorrow...

The Elijah's Cup

2010-10-21T12:40:00.003-05:00

In our parish we have the Elijah's Cup that is sent home with different families each week. The Elijah's Cup is a chalice that is used during the Eucharistic Celebration during Mass. At the end of Mass the chalice is cleaned, placed in a purple bag and a family is called up to receive a blessing and to take the cup home with them. This week we brought home the chalice.

It is quite an honor to be able to bring the Elijah's Cup into our home. We are asked that throughout the week we use the cup as a reminder to pray for vocations... for the Lord to call more priests, more deacons, more nuns and more layity who wish to help teach our Catholic faith. We place it in a spot of honor in our home (in our house it is on our mantle above the fireplace) and then we should pray each day as a family.

Our family prays together before every meal and then as a family before bedtime. It is a wonderful time as a family to thank God for all that he has given us and to ask for blessings for our family and friends, for those we know and even those we don't know. Having the Elijah's Cup in our home has made these times even more special.

I suppose the way each family prays with the chalice in their home is different and dependent on what they like or prefer. In our family we take the chalice down and each person gets to hold it for a little bit and say what they are wanting to pray for. We know the chalice itself holds no "magic powers" but we do know that sometimes physical reminders of God's love and grace help us to center ourselves and to pray more effectively.

I have been amazed this week with what my children have prayed for. Each night before bed I normally ask what my kids are thankful for and who they would like to bless. With the Elijah's Cup here I have found that the kids are looking more past just the normal blessing of those they know. My heart swells as my kids have prayed not only for vocations (more priests and nuns) but for the priests we already have, for the homeless people, for the poor, for those considering abortions, for babies who might not have a good chance of living, for people with cancer, for teens struggling with depression, for military members, for military families, for those that are in the hospital and for those that are dying, for those that are financially struggling, and so many more intentions.

It's amazing to see your children so excited to pray. Mine have always been good about wanting to pray and in fact will make sure we stop everything we are doing to pray, but this week has been something even more than normal. They realize that there are so many people suffering or in need and they pray so hard for those people. They want so badly to help those in need and realize that help starts with prayer.

I pray myself that perhaps God may call some of my children to his service as priests and nuns. I would find it an honor for my children to serve in that capacity. Of course he may have other ideas for them too and their vocations may be to be married and have children to pass our faith onto. Whichever way God leads my children I hope that they listen to their hearts and follow that path.

I hope that our experience this week with the Elijah's Cup will be long-lasting for them. I know it will be for me. It has made me appreciate the innocence, the goodness, the faith and the trust my children have in God. They are so willing to ask for not only their needs but also for the needs of those who might not know to pray to God. They pray in thanksgiving, they pray for blessings, they pray with such an open heart that it brings me to tears. We are called to have faith like children (Matt:18:2-6). I can only pray that they always have the faith that they have now. What a blessing it will be for them as they grow.

An Awesome Day!

2010-09-25T19:57:00.003-05:00

For the first time ever I went tubing today. It's not that I have never wanted to go but I've never been presented with an opportunity to go. Today I went with a few friends... it was so much fun!

I have never in my life laughed so hard and been so terrified and excited and thrilled all at once. It was awesome! I can't wait to go again one day.

The parents of some friends of ours own a lake home for all of their family to enjoy. Last night 5 of us women went there to spend the night and to go out on the lake today. We had so much fun being silly, giving facials, curling our hair with spongy curlers, doing pedicures, watching chick flicks, laughing, eating and just being girls. We played M.A.S.H. and did MadLibs. Today topped it off our time together when we sat in the sun on the dock and then went tubing later.

It was the break I needed! Our vacation last week was wonderful but it was a lot of work each day dealing with 9 children and then coming back to the house and cooking and cleaning. But last night and today was no stress, no phones, no cooking, no diapers. It was a perfect day!

When I thought the day couldn't get any better I got home to a chocolate cake made by the kids in my honor, little people who were so happy to see me and hugs and kisses and "I love yous". It made my heart just melt!

I don't think I could have asked for a better day!

(that is ME on the tube up there!!!)

First Day Of Autumn

2010-09-23T19:23:00.003-05:00

I'm ready for change... I'm ready for the days not to be so hot, the nights to be cool, the sun to set early, the leaves to change colors and the holidays to start. I'm just ready for change.

The last two days have been hard ones for me. Today in particular. I'm not sure why and I'm hoping it's my hormones getting back to normal. I have felt like crying most of the day. I have felt like doing nothing. I know there is a lot for me to do though. I need to get back into the swing of things here. It's funny how those feelings can sneak up on you after seeming to lessen.

The last three mornings I have woken up to a very still and quiet house. Normally I wake up to the kids getting out of bed but I have been waking up before them. It was actually one of my goals I set before we went on vacation so I have been excited about getting up. I figure the quiet in the morning would be a nice start to the day. It has been nice but it also has given me more time to think. I have been thinking that I should be getting up with a tiny baby each morning. That I should be waking up, not to the alarm or to the sun shining, but to a hungry infant ready to nurse. It makes me sad that I'm not.

I do find, however, that I am starting to heal and am smiling so much more than crying. I am eager to move forward but at the same time worry about doing just that. I sat last night reading through my blog, particularly the last 6 months and was amazed at the emotions that came bubbling to the surface, almost as if no time had passed at all. Still, I relished the words I wrote and the emotions they brought me because they are a tie to a time that is rapidly fading into the past. I feel like I will lose them and in turn lose my babies' memories. That scares me!

The day I left for vacation a dear friend of mine participated in a walk called the Hopes and Hearts Run. She was walking for her son, lost at 28 weeks gestation 2 years ago. She asked me prior to the walk if I minded if she released balloons for my babies that day as she was releasing one for her son. I told her that I was honored that she would do this for me. She also asked me if I wanted to put together a poster that could be laminated and hung in honor of our babies. Unfortunately I didn't get it to her on time. I was sad about that but still happy that my babies were going to be honored with balloons. That day in the car, while Ann was at her walk so many miles away, I looked to the skies in hopes of seeing a balloon of some kind to know that my little ones were there. Each time I saw a balloon, no matter what kind it was, it helped me think of them.

There are several things I now associate with my babies... balloons rising to the heavens, butterflies who have metamorphised into something so beautiful and rainbows, the symbol of God's promise. I am hoping that as the days move by and my memories aren't as strong that I can look at these symbols and bring back all those memories of my tiny babies. I am so desperate to not lose them in a different way.

I'm ready for change... I just don't want to change so much that I lose a very significant part of me. I'm trusting that the symbols I associate with my babies will help keep my memories intact. Balloons, butterflies and rainbows... such beautiful symbols for beautiful memories.

A Magical Place

2010-09-22T00:03:00.004-05:00

With all that has happened in our family in the last 6 1/2 months we have been stressed beyond belief. Many months ago we had talked about taking our family down to Florida to try to see one of the last space launches for the Space Shuttle. We talked to Mike's parents asking them if they'd like to come with us as this is Kaylie's senior year and probably the last time we will all just be able to up and go anywhere without leaving someone behind for school or work or whatever.

Shortly after agreeing to come with us they called us back and asked us if we would like to go to Disney World while we were in Florida. We told that we wanted to but for us it was just too expensive and not something we could even consider. They then told us that they wanted to treat us to the vacation! We were floored and very grateful for such a huge blessing. We accepted the offer and started making plans to go to Disney World and the Space Shuttle launch.

As it turned out the Space Shuttle launch was rescheduled and no longer was available for the time we'd be able to be in Florida. Mike's parents decided that we could use this time for extra days in the Disney parks.

Last week after Mike's parents got into town we drove down to Florida for a week's vacation at the Disney Parks! We had kept it a secret from the kids and surprised them with it the day before we left. We spent 6 days at the parks... 2 days at the Magic Kingdom, 2 days at Hollywood Studios and 1 day each at Epcot and Animal Kingdom. It was a vacation of a lifetime!

We had an amazing time and came home feeling refreshed and renewed. While my heart has still been aching so badly this trip showed me just how much fun we are still able to have together as a family. I revelled in the kids' laughter, I drank in the sunshine and I photographed each smile in my mind so that I will never forget the amazing time we had together last week.

I have so many more pictures that I wish I could share here but so many of them actually have Mike in them! I would love to share them with you but given his job I just can't. Of course I'm not in many of them since I was behind the camera but the ones I am in are also with Mike. While I hate that I can't share those here I am so grateful to have him in the pictures! He works so much that many times he misses out on the fun stuff. It was amazing to spend so much quality time together as a family. It was exactly what we needed!

We're here! Watch out Disney, here we come!

The kids at Epcot

The kids who got to go to Hollywood Studios

(this is at Honey, I Shrunk the Kids)

Anna was sick so she and the babies stayed back

with Mike's parent...

At Animal Kingdom with Terk from "Tarzan"

The 7 oldest kids on our last night waiting for
the Mainstreet Electrical Parade to start.

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Help!

2010-08-16T20:20:00.003-05:00

In the last week or two I found a blog that I really liked. I thought I bookmarked it but can't seem to find it anywhere! I left a comment there about finding the blog by looking for one thing but ended up reading about lovenox/heparin shots, something I had been searching for the night before but didn't get to her blog that way.

I have no idea if that person has ever clicked through my link here from my comment but if you have please leave me a note in the comments section! I really wanted to read more at your blog.

Please and thank you! :)

Sweet Boy

2010-08-16T10:43:00.003-05:00

Mike makes fun of me because I call Ben my "sweet boy". Anyone who knows Ben though knows that it is a perfect name for him. He's just so cute and sweet! Seriously, some of the things he says just makes my heart melt and when I tell others about it they just sigh and say, "ahhhh, how sweet!" He truly is a sweet boy.

I regularly update my status on Facebook with various quotes that the kids say. Many of those quotes come from Ben. I know his age is one of the factors in that... I mean, really, 4 year olds say some of the funniest things! Still, on top of that he is a deep thinker, has lots of other kids to learn from and thus comes up with some of the cutest things.

The other night I was making stirfry for supper. He was very unsure of how it was going to come out. All of the kids love Chinese food and we when we order take out Chinese they are all in hog heaven! The woman at the Chinese restaurant just loves our family and always knows it's me when I call in the order. Equally so we love her and the yummy food she makes! So I could completely understand Ben's hesistation when he found out I was making Chinese food instead of buying it.

While I was preparing the food he hovered around the kitchen. Occasionally he'd point out that he didn't think that was how the "Chinese wady" would do things. I knew he was concerned but I was pretty confident in my abilities. He didn't know that I used to cook Chinese food all the time before we had so many children.

When supper was ready he looked at it and said, "Oooooh! Dat wooks berry Chinese! Mama, you're wike a Chinese wady!" He, along with everyone else was very satisfied with their homemade Chinese supper.

Ben says so many things that just makes me smile. He's constantly telling me he loves me or that I am "bootiful". He has pet names for me like I have for him. My favorite is "Bubbie". I'll have to tell the story of Bubbie some other time, it's a funny one and something I know we'll always laugh about and remember.

Yes, Ben is my Sweet Boy. He is such a special part of my life. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me so happy I am a mother. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and keep him four forever but I know that wouldn't be right. I can't wait to see what his future holds, how he grows and how that light in him will grow brighter and brighter and spread to more and more people. He is definitely a special child that touches so many hearts. I'm just so happy he is mine and is my "sweet boy".

Beginning Again

2010-08-12T14:28:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I had a D&C to help my body finish what it was unable to do. It was a hard day. It was a long day. But in the end I'm glad that I did it.

I guess maybe this D&C was much easier to go through because I knew I had already given birth to Sarah and that her body was not going to be compromised through this procedure. When I had to go through it with Dominic I was never given the option to have him at home, my only option was a D&C. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out of the hospital not pregnant and no baby to show for what I had gone through. It was so difficult and lonely to walk out of the hospital that way. I was thankful yesterday that I knew where Sarah already was and that I didn't have to go through that pain of leaving empty handed again.

Still, the day was long and hard. I was awake during this D&C. I was able to hear the machine working, feel the pain of the procedure and think about all that was happening. My doctor and I talked about having a large family, about my children and about various other things. It was a very surreal time. I said at one point, "This not only hurts but it is probably the strangest feeling I have ever had too". I literally felt like my uterus was going to be sucked straight out of my body! Not quite the feeling I had been expecting. I think I thought I would feel nothing. I guess really, I don't know what I "thought" as I was more worried about how I was going to be doing emotionally.

Emotionally I was doing ok during most of it. I know what was being removed was not my baby but pieces of my placenta and lining of my uterus. As my doctor called it, "debris". It was the final pieces of my pregnancy and what had tricked my body into believing it was still pregnant. I guess to me those pieces of debris represented the betrayal my body had put me through the last three weeks. It was good to have it out. It was good to know that now my body can heal the right way. My heart might take longer but my body can begin to do what it should.

During the procedure I noticed a picture of a sweet little cartoon bunny wearing a red striped shirt holding a teddy bear by it's arm (hanging from it's hand). It was really sweet. I think that's how I'll always remember this pregnancy... my body holding on so tightly to this little baby that it needed and wanted so badly, unwilling to let go.

I'm sad in a way that all remnants of my pregnancy are now gone. It completely takes Sarah away from me physically. However, I know that it was not healthy at the same time to have those bits and pieces that tied me to her. It's strange to be happy and sad all at the same time to not be pregnant. Oh how I long to be pregnant but truly know that to stay in the state I was in was not a good thing.

Yesterday marked the true end of this pregnancy and that breaks my heart. Yesterday also marked a new beginning. I'm praying that this will help my body be able to carry another baby to term later on. I'm not sure when that will be but I know that we will remain open to God's gifts and plans for us. There have been several people who have asked us what our "plans" are in terms of trying again or being done. One was actually quite rude about it. It really bothered me as this was someone I considered a close friend. I told her that after a lot of prayer we've decided that we will continue to live as we always have. We know this will open us up for more possible loss but we just can't see living another way.

We know there will be people who question our way of living and that is ok. I wish I could convey to them the amazing graces we feel we have received from living this way. I wish I could ease their fears for my safety (I am phyiscally just fine and my doctors support our decision!) and I wish I could help them understand that while this is not a life I think everyone would love, we love it very much.

My heart and arms long for another baby. I don't seek to replace the ones I've lost I just hope to add to our family as God sees fit to bless us. I think I always will. I know I will always long for those babies I have lost. I know one day I will see them again. While I look forward to that day I also look forward to each day I have here with my children who are physically in my arms. I have been blessed beyond measure and I pray that God continues to bless our family.

I know that there are going to be days that I can't see the light. I know there will be days when nothing will stop the tears. But thankfully I know that where one story ends another one begins. I'm trying to write the first lines of that new story. I'm a little wiser, a little more tenderhearted and a little more experienced. Hopefully I can use those new qualities to write a story that's worth repeating and sharing with others. I'm beginning again and I'm scared to death. I want the story to have a happy ending but know that there may be sadness along the way. I guess any story worth reading and remembering encompasses all those aspects of life.

I'm turning the page of my new story...

The Rollercoaster of Life

2010-08-06T13:22:00.005-05:00

I can't lie... the last several months have been hard. The hardest of my life. The rollercoaster that we have been on has taken us on so many twists and turns that I feel like I just want to get off the ride. But, I know that's not an option so I'm holding on tight and just trying not to fall out!

Slowly I am trying to get back to life. Not just get back to life, but back to living. It's been very slow going but I'm making progress. While I've always had a very positive outlook on life there have been times I just have had a hard time seeing that sunshine that I know is there. Last night I made a decision for myself. I decided that while I will continue to grieve and continue to heal I need to really be jumping back into life. I've tried to take it slowly but in the end I know the best thing for me, the best way for me to get back to living is to do it full force.

I bought a journal the day I found out we lost Sarah. I actually bought it before we knew she was gone. It's beautiful. I figured I would write all about my pregnancy with her and give it to her one day. Of course that dream ended the minute I found out she was gone but I pulled it out last night and started writing. I wrote about my pain. I wrote about my fears. I wrote about my loneliness. In the end I found that writing all that out in that beautiful journal that was bought for my sweet little baby was so healing. I gave myself permission to fill that book with all of my hopes, dreams, fears, sadness, happiness and disappointments. Maybe one day I will share it with others who could benefit from it, maybe it will be just for me. I'm not sure but I do know that writing helped. I plan to do more of it!

It's funny how a simple thing like writing can help so much. I guess it's why I have almost 6 years of writing here! I remember when my friend Angi suggested I start a blog. I didn't for a while but finally gave in. I'm so glad I did. Looking back I can see just what an amazing journey we have had. I hope that one day I can look back on the journal I have started and see that while it was hard and sad and terrible I was able to come out a better mother and wife. I hope to feel peace when I look back and know that even in the hardest times with the help of my husband, my children, my friends and my faith I made it through.

One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie "Parenthood". The main characters Gil and his wife Karen are having a conversation regarding an unexpected pregnancy they are faced with when Gil's grandmother decides to add to the conversation. She tells them about the time she was 19 and Grandpa had taken her on a rollercoaster ride. She says, "You know it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited and so thrilled all together. Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the rollercoaster. You get more out of it."

It's true that there are times that life throws us a curve that we just aren't expecting or could possibly prepare ourselves for but as scary as the rollercoaster of life can be at times I just can't imagine just riding the merry-go-round. You do get more out of the ups and downs!

Sarah Elizabeth

2010-07-23T23:22:00.003-05:00

Last Friday I had a follow up ultrasound to check on our newest baby. The last ultrasound had showed a slow heartrate and possible slow growth. It was a long two week wait wondering how our little one was doing. Unfortunately after getting to the ultrasound we saw that probably sometime the week before our baby had lost her heartbeat.

To be laying on the table watching another still baby just tore my heart out. I had such high hopes that this little one would make it to us and be our sweet Valentine. But it wasn't to be. We were told our options for ending the pregnancy... wait till my body started to miscarry, have a d&c, or take the medicine to induce labor like we did with Joseph. We chose the last option as we wanted to respect our little baby's body as much as possible especially since we had seen her heart beating and her moving inside.

On Tuesday, July 20th, which would have been my grandmother's 81st birthday if she was still alive, I gave birth to a very tiny but perfect baby whom we have named Sarah Elizabeth. While we don't know for sure she was a girl I felt from the moment I was pregnant that she would be a girl. I have never felt anything so surely in my life.

Once again we are in a mourning period. We are still mourning Joseph as we lost him just a mere 4 1/2 months before losing Sarah. It's almost too much for a heart to endure. But we are enduring and we are praying and we putting our lives in God's hands as we know that is the only way we are going to get through this devastation.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It seems I have been asking that alot lately but I know those prayers combined with our own are the only things getting us through. I can't explain how much I am hurting. I can't explain how much I want answers. I can't explain just how much my heart and body long to have a baby in my arms. I want Joseph. I want Sarah. I want Dominic. I want all the babies I have lost over the years. I pray that one day God will bless me with another child that will make it to my arms again.

I cherish my children who are here and know that they are the life force of this home. They, along with Mike, make every day worth living and enjoying and loving. I am focusing on them and trying to remember that we have been blessed with so much. The pain I feel from losing my babies will always be here but so will the love I feel from the children here and those who are waiting for me. I will continue to live my life open to all of God's blessings, whatever form they come in. I will continue to live my life open to His will. Oh it is so hard to live that way sometimes, especially in the face of such loss, but I just can't live any other way.

Sarah Elizabeth... I love you so much! I miss you so much already! I want so terribly to hold you in my arms, to nurse you, to cuddle you and to kiss you. You were so wanted, you are so loved. You are a very special part of our family. Sweet Sarah, my heart and arms ache for you.

An Unsettled Heart

2010-07-03T21:04:00.004-05:00

Yesterday marked the 4 month anniversary of Joseph's birth. It was a hard day. It was hard because I miss him so much and because I know that in a month from now I should have been holding him in my arms, welcoming him to our family, and introducing him to all his big brothers and sisters. Instead I cried into my pillow as the rain fell outside.

Yesterday was a hard day for another reason as well. We have not announced it yet but I am 8 weeks pregnant. To be pregnant brings so many mixed emotions... should we have waited longer to conceive (although we truly did what we always do and left it in God's hands? What will others think of us expecting so soon? Will the kids be ok with having another sibling after losing their little brother? Is my body healthy enough to go through a pregnancy? Is my heart healthy enough? What it came down to though was trusting in the Lord to provide us the grace we needed for whatever happened. Yesterday I had an appointment to check on this new little life that is growing inside of me. The last time I was in the specialist's office I watch the last beats of my son's heart. I was going back on the 4 month anniverary of his birth.

It was a hard day. It became even harder when the doctor discovered that our little baby isn't doing well so far. Her heartbeat is very slow and her size is small. She is behind where she should be. I will go back in in two weeks to recheck the growth and heartrate unless I start bleeding before that which in that case I go in immediately. The doctor seemed to think that the latter will be the case. It wasn't news I was prepared to hear, especially on that day in that office. My heart broke again.

I am praying for a miracle. I am holding out hope until there is just no more hope to hold out for. This reminds me so much of my posts almost 3 years ago about Dominc and holding out hope for him. I am praying for a much different outcome though.

While I know that I can never replace the babies I have lost I know that I still have that desire for more children. This new baby has been prayed for, has been longed for and is so loved already. My heart aches to be able to hold him/her but not until February when I am due!

My heart is so unsettled. I miss Joseph so much more than I can say. I have conflicted feelings about being pregnant right now... I should be pregnant with him but I love this baby so much too. The only thing I can do is to continue to put my faith in God's love and mercy and plans and know that whatever happens we will be ok. I still pray though so ferverently that this little baby will make it. I have no idea how much more hurt my heart can take. I don't want to find out. I want all my babies to be with me but I know that isn't possible. They are all in my heart and in my memories although I wish every one of them was in my arms.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The next two weeks are going to be hard to go through. The waiting is often times the hardest part... your mind gets to go just wherever it wants to in that time. It is going to take a lot of prayers to get us through.

Forever Changed

2010-05-10T19:22:00.003-05:00

Grief is an interesting thing. When the event or circumstance that you are sad about happens, you fully expect to feel all the emotions that come with the sadness. You expect the denial, the despair, the hopelessness, the anger, the weight that is hanging so heavily on your heart. You are told these things are normal and that everything you are feeling is ok to feel.

What others don't say about grief is that sometimes after you feel like you are beginning to heal just a little bit, that grief can reach out and grab hold of you so tightly you feel like you are right back to where you initially started.

I think this is where I am in my grieving process. Most days I smile and laugh and live my life not showing how much I am still hurting over losing Joseph. None of my friends, except one, ask anymore how I am really doing. They have moved on. While they were sad for me, for us, their lives are able to go on unaffected. I think that they feel like I should be moving on, that my grieving should be over. My life, however, remains forever changed. Grief sometimes just reaches out and holds me so tightly that I think of nothing else.

Recently we had our first really intense thunderstorm. The lightening and thunder were very impressive. The kids were all tucked safely in their beds and fortunately they slept through the storm. I, on the otherhand, did not. I cried all night thinking of my tiny baby all alone in the storm in the wet ground with the lightnening striking and thunder booming all around in the darkness. Of course in my heart I know that is just my sweet baby's body there and not his soul. I know that Joseph is in heaven sitting in a much safer place than I could ever provide for him. However, my thoughts couldn't be stilled by this knowledge and I cried for my son who was all alone on that dark and stormy night. When morning came and the sun was shining I felt better but still was so sad. I wondered when the grief would get the better of me again. It has several times since and I hate when it comes out of nowhere.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, was a hard day for me. I feel so very blessed and fortunate to have 9 amazing children to hold and love on but I still want to hold those that are missing. I did pretty good until I got to bed. As my head hit my pillow tears slid down my cheeks. The sadness that I felt was so overwhelming. I am a mother that can't hold all of her children and to me that is one of the greatest pains one can ever feel.

It's been a little over two months since I gave birth to Joseph, since I held him first in my womb and then in my hands. Some days it feels like it was yesterday. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago. Some days the pain is all consuming and other days it is there but I can work alongside of it. I don't know how long it takes to grieve or if it ever ends. What I do know though is that I am still mad at my body for not being able to carry Joseph and Dominic and so many babies to term. I know that I still plead with God for the answers I know I won't get yet. I know that I still need those around me to understand that I am still mourning the loss of my child and that I need them to care, to ask how I am or if I need anything and to show me how much they still love me. They have moved on and I feel alone.

There is so much about grief that I don't know. I don't know how long I am going to feel this way. I don't know when I am going to suddenly be struck by the sheer overwhelming sadness. I don't know if I want to move forward because I fear I will lose the few precious memories I get to have of Joseph.

While I wish I had my baby growing perfectly inside of me I know this experience has changed me and has helped me grow in many ways. I hope it has helped me become a better person... a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. I understand that all the experiences in our lives help mold us into the people we are. Many of life's circumstances are out of our control but all those things, good or bad, happy or sad, can help us become better people in the end. For me Joseph and Dominic and all my other precious angels are a very big part of me- the best part. While I grieve that I didn't get to keep them in my arms I am happy to be forever changed.

All Together

2010-05-04T11:27:00.002-05:00

I know with Kaylie's senior year beginning in the fall we will be getting close to the time when we won't always have all the kids together all the time. For now I'm trying to really enjoy and cherish the times when they are. We took some pictures out at our land of all the kids. I'll be sad the day that I can't line them all up in a row without missing some of them!

Heard Around These Parts... A Collection of Favorite Sayings

2010-05-04T10:49:00.002-05:00

My kids say some of the funniest things. I know that most kids do. However, since I'm with my kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I am fortunate enough to hear the majority of them. I have posted some of these on this site many times. Lately, since I haven't felt much like blogging (but I am trying to get back up on that horse!) I wrote them down otherwise. I now have a document saved that has tons of them. I thought I would share a few since they always make me giggle and thought maybe they would make you giggle too...

Said by Anna, "Mama, did you know when you are 5 there is nothing to do?"

"Jesus was in the desert for 40 days and when he came out of the desert the only thing open was a Captain D's" - Mike, explaining to the children why we abstain from meat and eat fish on Fridays during Lent.

Said by Bella out of the blue, "Mama, I love you more than cows!" I think this is a good thing.

Upon suggesting to Bella that she really needs to take better care of her hair she replied, "But I pet it every day!"

Said by Ben, running into the kitchen completely out of breath, "Mama, Bella keeps twying to kiss me, but I only wike kissing you!"

Said by Ben after coming inside from playing outside, "Mama, there was a caterpillar by your van. I stepped on it and it sneezed all over!"

And one of my favorite conversations. It was between Savannah and myself as she, Emma and I were in the car on our way home from the doctor's office adn she was burping words. Me, "I realize it takes mad skillz to actually burp words but I don't think it's very ladylike." Savannah, "Well, that's ok because I'm a (said in burp) TOMBOY!" I shook my head, laughed and said, "That was so gross!" I'm still holding out that one day she will indeed be ladylike!

More to come later as I have a huge list of them plus they add to it everyday! The fun and laughter never ends around here :)

Happy Birthday Emma!

2010-05-03T12:05:00.002-05:00

Today is my sweet Emma's 10th birthday! She was by far my easiest birth and was one of the tiniest babies I had. She was my first baby to not have a cowlick and has always been a tiny bit different from the others. When she was little she was the only one of the kids to have curly, crazy hair!

All of the kids have had a "twin" of sorts... Kaylie has Anna who looks and acts like her. Garrett and Ben look so much alike and act similarly and Savannah and Bella not only look alike but are the only two built physically different from the others and have always been people persons... they are twins separated by 5 years. For the longest time poor Emma had no twin. It always bothered her as she felt different from everyone else. Then came Caroline who was so much like Emma it was scary! Caroline has that crazy hair, no cowlick and is similar in personality to Emma. She loves it!

I can't believe Emma is in the double digits now! She's struggled along the way with health problems and constantly worries about being so much smaller than everyone else. It's hard for her to understand that later in life she'll love being so petite. She wonderful at Irish Step Dancing and is a smart little lady. She's struggling to find herself (and really always has) since she's not the oldest and not the youngest. Too old for baby things, not old enough for big kid stuff. She's stuck in the middle and that drives her nuts. Still, the young lady she is becoming is wonderful and she keeps us laughing and smiling.

Happy Birthday Emma! I love and I am so blessed you are mine!

A New Milestone

2010-05-01T20:19:00.004-05:00

Today Kaylie took the SAT test. We had signed her up a few months ago and today was the big day. I think I may have been more nervous than she was! We got up and left the house early as the school we had to go to is 30 minutes from our home and she needed to be there by 7:45. We packed some snacks and a drink for her to eat on breaks and made sure she had her calculator and #2 pencils.

When we got to the school we immediately saw a girl that Kaylie has been friends with for years. She goes to our church and is in youth group. For me it was a relief that there was someone we knew there. I dropped her off and parked. I was going to wait in the car because I knew really I would enjoy the few hours of quiet to read and write and reflect. I watched her walk to the line of kids and every now and again peeked at her to see where she was in the line. Soon I couldn't see her anymore.

This was the first time that she had been in a real classroom in a high school. It was the first time she's ever taken a test in a true testing environment. For homeschooling we have to test the kids every 3 years but the standardize test that we use can be administered at home and sent in to be graded. This was a new experience for her in so many ways!

As I sat in the car I read a chapter in my book and then set it down. I was anxious to know how she was doing in there. Was she struggling? Was she upset? Was she doing better than she hoped? Was she frustrated? The questions going through my mind made it near impossible to just sit and read. Instead I got out a pad of paper that I had brought to write a new article for the Homeschool Classroom. But I didn't write that article. I got my pen out and started a letter to Kaylie.

I used to write letters to my kids every few months. Kaylie has the most of them because her first year I wrote a letter every month and then as I added children they came only once a month, then once every few months, once a year and now it's just when I am able. I hate that I haven't written more letters and that some of the kids don't even have any yet! I guess that is one of the things that I have had to let go as I have added children and added responsiblity to my days. Most days I don't have the extra time to sit and write a letter. Still, I know I should make the time. I do occasionally write small notes to leave for the kids, especially ones that are hurting or going through something hard but I would like to write more to them.

In my letter to Kaylie I wrote about what this day meant to me. I know she thought I was a little silly for being so sentimental about her taking this test but it is a big step for her. It means she is preparing to leave. She is starting the process that will take her to college and out of my arms. While she plans to go to a university that is close by and will live at home for the first while I know that it is only a matter of time before she is gone from under my wings. I can only hope that I have provided her the necessary skills and knowledge to fly on her own.

This day had particular significance for me for another reason. When we get these scores back we will know how well we've done homeschooling the last 12 years. It is almost like a grade card for both of us. Most of the time when a kid takes these tests it is just scoring how well the child did, not the parent. But my situation is different... it will grade me on how well I prepared and taught my daughter and how well I am doing with the rest of the kids.

We know that most kids take the test several times before they get a score they are comfortable with. I know Kaylie was pretty relaxed because some of her friends who attend public school and are very smart have taken it 2 or 3 times. She knows that if she doesn't do well that she can take it again. When she came out of the building though she was pretty confident that she did better than she hoped.

Kaylie is such a smart girl. She is also very compassionate and wise beyond her years. Her heart is so good and her soul is so peaceful. She is an amazing child. I can see the wonderful young woman she is growing into. I catch glimpses of the woman she will be in the future and I am excited for her. I am proud of her.

While I am sad for me I know that this is the road we started on the moment we found out I was pregnant with her. I know that I can't keep my children in my home with me forever. I know they will have to leave my nest sometime. I only wish it hadn't come so soon. I remember holding her when she was 3 months old and crying. I knew it would pass too quickly. I have so much more I want to share with her. So much more I want to experience with her. I know we have more time, she'll just be in her senior year this next year. I know that after she's out of my house I'll still see her and share with her but it won't be the same. She won't be here for supper each night when we eat as a family. She'll miss out on the "firsts" that the babies have and will miss birthdays and holidays and late night chats. And I'll miss her so much.

I cherish all the moments I have with all my children. I just hope that the memories they have are just as wonderful as the ones I will keep in my heart forever.

Still Here

2010-04-28T16:32:00.002-05:00

I'm still here and hanging by a thread. Most days I'm just trying to get through. Some days are hard and some days are less hard but so far no days are easy. We've had a lot going on with the end of the school year rapidly upon us. I have been working on a video for the senior class of our youth group. It's what I do as my "real job" and I love doing it but it's pretty time consuming especially when you are having a hard time getting through the day. Still, it's kept me busy so that is good (and brings in a little money so that's even better!).

We are now in birthday mode around here. In a range of about two months we have 6 of the kids birthdays. Mike's and my birthdays also fall in the time frame too... 8 birthdays to contend with! Then we get a break for a couple weeks and have Anna's in July and then Savannah's in August and then we are done for the year. Bella's is in January. So it's a busy time for us and even though we don't do or buy much for birthdays it's an expensive time too! On April 23rd Kaylie turned 17! I'll have to write about that later as she deserves her very own post :)

Mike's parents just visited and we celebrated Christmas with them. We were unable to go there and they couldn't come here around Christmas so we just put it off for a while. This was the longest we've ever gone without seeing them. It was a nice visit and my father-in-law helped me fix a few things that were out of my area of expertise. Mike's not home enough to really help me with those sorts of things and isn't all that handy when it comes to fixing things. It's always a blessing when Mike's dad is here.

Not much else to report. I have a huge list of "quotes of the day" that I've been meaning to post. I need to do that. It always makes my day to see those quotes and to remember the context they were said in when I go back and reread them. They remind me that while life can be crazy and hard and sad there are still so many things to smile about. Right now I still need that reminder.

Medical Updates

2010-04-11T12:29:00.002-05:00

It's been a rough month and a half emotionally and physically for us. Not only have we been dealing with the loss of Joseph but it seems like the bottom fell medically for many of us too.

When the kids were being taken care of for me while I gave birth they were exposed to the H1N1 virus. I delivered Joseph on March 2, they came home from our friend's house on March 4th. Emma was burning up with fever and sick. Shortly afterward that night Savannah fell ill too. In the next two weeks that followed all the kids became sick with the flu. It was terrible. They were so sick for so long. Kaylie and Garrett were only mildly ill so that was good. I'm not sure how we missed out on that virus all winter only to get it in March but we did and it hit us hard. Thankfully Mike and I avoided it. The two littlest ones, Caroline and Madison, had the hardest time of all healing from it but thankfully they did.

Right as we were just about over the H1N1 Mike brought home another virus, this time a cold virus. Unfortunately Mike was hit the hardest. The day that I left for Savannah he started running low grade fever. By Sunday it was on the rise. When I got home on Tuesday he was running high fever and couldn't breath well. He was coughing a terrible wet cough and was getting worse. Turns out he had pneumonia. Kaylie, Garrett and Madison quickly followed. Emma brought up the rear with the virus. Kaylie, Emma and Madison developed bronchitis and ended up on steroids, breathing treatments and antibiotics... the same treatment that Mike ended up getting. Mike and Kaylie are still struggling some with it but the big stuff seems to be past now.

On top of this Garrett's chest wall seems to be getting bigger and more deformed. He doesn't seem to be embarassed by it which is good but he is in pain sometimes. I'm worried that he's going to end up in brace for it. It is one of the treatments for pectus carinatum so hopefully we can go that route instead of surgery. I'm just praying that it will stop growing soon and not get any bigger or deformed. On a positive note this past month Garrett got braces on his teeth! He was very excited about that. It took forever for his adult teeth to finally grow in once we got his baby teeth pulled. His teeth already look so much straighter!

Savannah has been battling flare ups of her JRA. Her joints are so sore some days that she can hardly move. It's starting to affect more joints and she now has a huge lump on her ribcage. We go to the doctor tomorrow to have her evaluated. I don't know what they are going to do and I'm praying that the lump is just a result of the JRA and nothing else.

Bella's eyes seem to be getting worse again and I'm sure that we really need to have the surgery done on them to correct them. We need to get her in new glasses but right now can't afford them. I'm not sure what to do about her. She goes through glasses like you can't believe. I'm hoping she's old enough now to take care of them but she so rough and we just can't afford to replace them several times a year (this is after we go through the warranty on each pair!)

Emma and Kaylie both suffer from asthma pretty bad and right now with all that we have gone through in the last month or so with sickness has been so hard on them. Put spring and allergies on top of it and it's a recipe for disaster. They seem to be living on their inhalers.

Emma's bowels are stopping back up on her. We took her off her meds for about a year and now we are seeing that we just can't do that. I worry that she'll always have to be on medicine but having a colon that can't recognize that is full will probably be something she battles her whole life.

Madison seems to be doing so much better with her bowels! I'm happy to say that she poops on her own now and while not every day she's more regular that I don't worry about it anymore! She's still so tiny (9 months and 13 lbs 14 oz) but I'm happy with her growth! She is starting to catch up physically too. For so long she didn't roll or move around much but now she's crawling and starting to pull up on her crib or my leg or whatever she can! For not knowing if she'd walk when I was pregnant with her and then worrying because she wasn't even rolling at 6 or so months this is so big for her!

Caroline, Ben and Anna are all doing pretty well. They've battled the sickness also but seem to be doing a lot better. Ben's allergies are under control and it's funny to hear him say, "I can't have that cause I'm awergic to it." He knows the things to avoid and what he can have. It makes things a lot easier actually. Unfortunately Caroline and Madison both seem to have some food allergies too but since going through so much with Ben we have a handle on it and know it will be a lot easier to handle.

Anna is sweet as can be and while still little is doing great. It's funny how at some point they pull out of some of what plagues them while tiny. She was once classified as failure to thrive and yet to see her now you'd never know!

Medically we are fighting a lot right now but we are doing better in some areas so that is good. It's a tough fight especially when I am drained otherwise and don't have much to give to anyone. I am trying though and really, dealing with so much else gives me a lot to keep my mind and hands busy. It doesn't leave a lot of time to think. I think too much already!

I'm ready for some down time. I'm ready for things to go smoothly and quietly for a while. I know we all have our crosses to bear and I'm trying to bear mine with strength and trust in God. It's a heavy cross though. I want things to be easy for my kids but I also know they grow through all these trials. They sure will be strong in the end!

A Heavy Heart, A Happy Heart

2010-04-06T13:48:00.006-05:00

So much has been going on here in our family that sometimes it seems there is no time to breathe. Just when I think I have caught my breath something else happens to take it away from me again.

I'm still struggling with this sadness and am trying to move forward but it is hard. There are so many reminders of what has been lost and how far we have to go just to be able to move forward. We are taking it one step at a time.

Easter Sunday we took a family picture in the gazebo at church. It turned out beautifully. All the kids are smiling and looking cute. The sun is shining and we are all there. While the picture is one I am going to frame it makes me sad at the same time. We are all there but we aren't.

A friend of mine sent me a beautiful teardrop necklace to help me remember Joseph. When I wear it I find myself holding it in my fingers, rubbing the teardrop, stroking it like I would have stroked my tiny baby's cheeks. It was such a wonderful gift and I have been so thankful for it. It has helped fill a physical need I have to hold something since I am unable to hold Joseph. I wore it on Easter along with a bracelet I had ordered after I lost Dominic. Savannah noticed them and said, "Oh, that necklace is for Joseph and the bracelet is for Dominic. It's like they are here with us." It was the only way I knew to physically have them, as well as my other angels, there with us.

While my heart has been heavy it has also been happy. I look at my children and I know that God continues to provide for us. They make me smile and they say silly things that I write down so I'll remember their innocence forever. We sing and we dance and we play. It's not all sadness, there are so many happy times as well. I cling to those moments to get me through those harder times.

Today is a happy day. It is our 19th wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that we have been married for so long. It's harder to believe we were only 18 and 19 when we got married! I look at Kaylie and think that in just 2 years she could be me at her age! It seems just so crazy. I'm sure to everyone around us then it was just as crazy. I know most people thought we wouldn't make it being so young. But we knew what we wanted and we knew how to attain it. We have worked together, relying on each other in both good times and bad and just kept loving each other through all the good and bad times. If you want to read more about that part of my life you can at my blog dedicated to my marriage... My Love Affair With My Husband.

Time is moving on and I am trying to keep up. I am basking in my childrens' laughter, I'm loving each and every day we have together and I'm struggling to move forward without my precious baby. Still, I know that as the days go by parts of life will get easier and other parts will be a struggle. With God leading us and Mike hand firmly grasping mine, I know we will get there.

Peeks Of Sunshine Amidst the Dark Clouds

2010-03-27T22:26:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday I spread my wings and I left my home for a few days without my husband or children and went away for a girls' weekend. 11 of us traveled from all over the United States to Tybee Island, GA to stay together in a beach house.

I was so nervous leaving my house on Saturday to go to the Atlanta airport to pick up some of the girls who were flying into Atlanta and would then drive down to Savannah with me. I was nervous to leave my husband and children and nervous to be that far away from home. I wasn't scared for Mike or the kids... I knew that Mike would have the kids and house under control and I also knew that the kids could practically run the house by themselves. But I was scared for myself. I was scared of being alone and having time to think. I was scared of facing emotions and feelings that I knew I needed to face.

My friends gave me great comfort while we were together. They kept me laughing and my mind on fun things. We talked about everything under the sun... our kids, our spouses, our jobs, politics, religion, our homes, sex, just about everything. It was wonderful to be able to talk about anything we wanted without having to worry about little ears or worrying that it was taboo or not polite. We danced and sang and had a wonderful time!

We visited the Tybee Island Lighthouse, we went to Fort Pulaski, we went to the pier on the beach and took a tour of Savannah. We walked on River Street and then ate at Uncle Bubba's. We went to the Rock House on Tybee and saw the band Adelita's Way perform (they were amazing and I got to get my picture taken with them and got autographs to bring home to Kaylie). It was the best time ever.

When I needed to I took time for myself and sat listening to the ocean and looking at all the stars dotted across the night sky and just cried. My heart ached so much and it felt good to sit in the cold air just crying my heart out. One of my friends, Ann, came to me when she thought it was time and we talked. She opened her heart to me about her loss of her dear sweet son. We talked about hurting and healing. To have her there beside me, listening when I needed to talk, talking when I needed to listen and being still with me when I needed that, was exactly what I needed. She opened her wounds and her heart and she shared with me all that she went through. We cried together and we hugged. We bonded over a set of circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone but at that moment I was so happy she had been through so that I could have someone who understood my pain. I know that I have no words to thank her for all that she has done for me just by talking and listening to me.

The picture above was taken Sunday morning. For most of the weekend it either was cloudy or rained. We had a few peeks of sunshine but for the most part it was cool and cloudy. We didn't get to spend time really on the beach like we hoped. I was ok with that though. I chose the picture above for this post because it really shows how I feel right now... I know the sun is there and it is beautiful but there are so many dark clouds surrounding it right now. Still, knowing that the sun is there gives me hope. It gives me hope that the day can turn out better than maybe we thought it would. Despite the clouds the sun is always shining, we just might not be able to see it because of the darkness the clouds casts over it. Still, it is there, waiting to once again shine down.

I'm trying to enjoy the peeks of sunshine. Trying to remember that one day the sun will shine brightly on me and that I'll be warmed to my core. It's hard when there are so many dark clouds but it will happen. I'm taking it moment by moment right now. The moments I had at Tybee Island are helping me to move forward. I'm so glad I was able to spread my wings and fly, even if just for a few days.

Spreading My Wings

2010-03-16T20:11:00.002-05:00

Never in my life, since becoming a mother, have I ever been away from all my children at one time. Mike and I have never gone away for a weekend trip alone nor have I ever gone away for a girls' weekend. I have taken Kaylie on a skiing trip for youth group one time and that was fun but I had her with me so I wasn't alone and I was helping chaparone 30 other kids as well!

Several months ago a few friends and I started planning a weekend away. One of our friends has recently moved to Savannah and we started talking about how a getaway to the beach would be fun. The girls have gone on other trips before and I almost went on one of them. It was a trip to Nashville, or as we dubbed it "Nashvegas". But it came up right after we lost Dominic and it turned out that my cycles would have me ovulating that weekend and Mike and I were anxious to start trying for another baby. I didn't go. By the pictures I know the girls had a blast and I was sad I didn't go. Of course two weeks later when I was holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand I was ok with that decision! Still, I felt like I missed out.

I was unable to go to a couple of the other meetups that the girls have had... one to Chicago and another up to Minnesota when one of the girls was getting married. I was so happy that this time we decided to go to Savannah which is in driving distance to me. It made it so that I would stand more of a chance of going. Mike and I talked about it and with our taxes we knew we'd have the extra money and Mike started to practically push me out the door to go! He knows that in the last almost 17 years I've never taken time for just me and while he's encouraged it before it's just never been the right time.

So, fast forward to this coming weekend... we have had this trip set up for months, we've picked out a house on the beach and everything is set and paid for. Then my whole world was turned upside down. My problem now is that I'm hesistant to go because I've been having problems really getting stressed out and weepy when I leave the house and don't have the kids with me. I know that it will get easier as time goes on but right now it's so hard just to leave them even to go to the store by myself. I'm not sure how I will do to leave them and drive hours away for several days. It was going to be a huge step for me leaving them all for the first time ever but now it's an even bigger leap!

Mike and I talked about it and he has been so encouraging. He told me to still go on the trip, that it will be healing for me. I know that is true because I can only imagine how much fun we will have and how much we will laugh and enjoy each other. Laughter heals so much. Time away can be so good. But I am worried too... I know I want to go but I don't want to leave either. I'm scared to leave I think. I'm scared of having too much time to think. I think it's why I don't like leaving the house without the kids right now. While I need the quiet and I need to grieve when I find myself alone it's too much to bear. My heart aches so much that I can't concentrate on anything else! But when the kids are with me they keep me going and keep me busy.

I seriously almost decided not to go, shoot, I guess really I have several days to still say I can't go but I've decided I need to go. That if I don't not only will I regret not seeing my friends but I'll be giving into my fear and will be letting it control me. That can't be good and it certainly isn't healing.

I'm scared to go. I don't want to go. I want to stay where I know it's safe, where I know I'm surrounded by all my children and my husband.

But... I'm excited to go. I want to go. I want to have fun and laugh and heal.

I'm spreading my wings for the first time ever at a very critical time in my life and I feel like I just might come crashing down to earth. I know I need to do it. I know I'm going to do it. I just hope in the end that it provides me with what I need at this time in my life.

And So Life Goes On...

2010-03-14T01:10:00.002-05:00

In the last few weeks I have wanted so badly for time to just stop for a moment for me. I've wanted the sun to stay low, the moon to stay high and time to just stop. I guess I want more time for me to be able to grieve in the quiet of the night when all the kids are asleep, the house is still and no one is needing me. Unfortunately life is not so kind and time marches on regardless of my needs or wants.

When I was giving birth to Joseph we had several friends take the six youngest kids for us. They brought them home to us on the Thursday after Joseph was born. They came home with the flu. Since March 4th we have been fighting the flu bug and we have not been winning. All of the kids have had it, thankfully Kaylie and Garrett just had a touch for a day or two, however the 7 other children have been horribly sick. We are concerned now about the two youngest, Caroline and Madison, developing pnuemonia from it. Madison in particular is wheezing now and still running fever almost 10 days later. It hasn't been fun but what do you do? It's life and you have to move forward even when we don't want to.

We have had problems with our water pipes and not getting water pressure to our kitchen sink for hot water. The kids shower isn't getting hot water consistently even though our bathroom is great. Our garage had some minor flooding with the downpours we had for days. Besides being all over the garage the water leaked into a closet that has so much stored in it that it is going to take no less than a week to clean all the blankets, sleeping bags and other items to keep mold from growing. Kids have been arguing and so tired of being on top of each other without a break... they are sick and they can't go outside, they are tired of each other. They need some space. Mike has been working almost nonstop. The dog came into her first heat before we could get her fixed and that has caused many other "problems" (think a little horny dog trying desperately to escape the house every time a little person opens a door, out into the mud and rain forcing kids to have to chase her down... good times for sure! I guess though it's brought on some laughs and interesting conversations.) So much stress and so many things to deal with. It's funny how I want so desperately for time to stop and yet it seems to be speeding up and spinning out of control.

I'm trying my best to deal with life, to deal with all this "stuff" that seems to be thrown in my way, to deal with this emptiness that my heart feels. I'm trying. I feel like I'm drowing though and I have no idea how to pull myself above the water. I know it will take time but it seems like time eludes me... almost slipping through my hands. I want time to stop so I can catch my breath. I need to cry, I need to scream, I need to be quiet and mourn. With all that is going on I don't feel like there is time to do that. I feel cheated on so many levels. Why can't life just slow down for me?

It's good that life goes on. I know this in my heart. I know that if time just stopped there is a possiblity that I would never move on. I know that eventually I need to move on. I feel guilty though for even thinking of it. I feel angry that I have to move on. I feel like moving on is leaving my son behind. Logically I know that's not true but in my heart it feels that way. It's only been 11 days since I gave birth and yet it seems like a lifetime ago because so much has gotten in the way in the meantime. I want to hold onto those last moments I had with my son. I want to suspend time and hold him in my hands again, kiss his tiny head and whisper how much I love him.

I know that it is not going to happen. I also know that he is forever in my heart, but I want to have in my arms. I want to wake up at night and nurse him. I want to take care of him while I'm taking care of all the kids here who are so sick, who need me so desperately.

And so, life goes on and I just want time to stop, just briefly, so I can take a moment for myself.

Little Joe

2010-03-05T17:51:00.002-05:00

Our beautiful son, Joseph Isaiah, was born to heaven on Tuesday March 2. It truly was the most agonizing yet beautiful moment of my life.

Never could I have envisioned the perfection of a baby that tiny. We counted each of his fingers and toes. We could see that his eyes, ears and mouth were exactly where they should be. We could clearly see that he was a boy. We could bend his little legs and were sad that they would never chase after his brothers and sisters through the house. I held the his teeny tiny hand and kissed his head. He was absolutely perfect.

I have cried millions of tears and have wondered if my tears will ever stop. They always seem to be right at the surface just waiting to cascade down my cheeks. I have questioned and I have prayed and I have tried to be quiet and listen for the answers my heart needs.

I know that one day I will have those answers when I stand before the Lord. I know that right now I'm not supposed to know all the whys of life. In a way I am ok with that. I know that so far having great faith has brought me some of the greatest joys I have ever known. I am praying that my faith now will bring those same things.

I'm constantly reminded of my blessings... the giggles of Caroline and Madison, the hugs and kisses from Anna and Ben, the jokes from the bigger kids and the "I love yous" from everyone. I know that each day the sun will rise and the birds will chirp and we will go on. I am so very sad that we will do it without "Little Joe" at my feet with arms raised to be picked up.

I know that God blessed us with Joseph for a reason. His life, even though so short, has affected so many already. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him for anything. To know that I was a part of a life so special is amazing. I don't know why God chose me to care and nurture him but I know that I am forever thankful. The love that my heart holds for him is overwhelming.

I will always grieve for the little boy that I got to hold for such a short time, both in my womb and in my hands. My heart, soul and body aches for him. I want him to be here with me. I want him to know my love, to feel my kisses and to understand just how much he means to me.

I love him so much. I miss him so much already. I cry for him and I hope that somehow, someway he understands how very much he means.

A Heavy Heart

2010-02-26T19:42:00.002-05:00

Because I don't know the words to tell of my sadness right now I will share with you a letter we sent out to family and friends today...

Dear Family and Friends,
This is a very difficult letter to write. We are once again asking for your prayers for our family.

Our faith teaches us that every life, from the moment of conception, is to be cherished, respected and celebrated. We are always so happy to share the news to our family and friends that we are expecting another child. We know that the children we have are all blessings from God no matter the length of time they spend with us. We celebrate and are happy from the moment we know we have been blessed again even knowing that one day we may lose that child. Each child, no matter if they are the first or the tenth, is so welcomed, wanted and loved.

It is with a heavy heart then that we share the news that we have lost another baby. This past Tuesday at a routine ultrasound we witnessed the last beats of our baby's heart. Our precious baby is gone.

Please keep our family in prayer as we go through this loss. We are not sure when I will deliver the baby although I will probably be induced next week. We know that the weeks ahead will be very difficult. We trust though that God will see us through and we will grow closer together as a couple and as a family. We are so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from those who have already been told. We are so thankful to have you in our lives. Your support and prayers will see us through.

I know I have said before that being open to life is being open to loss. This is a matter of truth. We believe that even though we have lost this baby that he or she is never truly lost to us. Because of our faith we know that one day we will be together again. We also know that while we have lost our baby we have gained much in terms of faith, togetherness and love. We take delight in opening ourselves up to God's will. While it is very hard to be open to loss the beauty of life is just too amazing not to live this way. I do understand that not all believe or live this way but we have found for our family it is the only way to live. We pray that we are blessed again with life but we know that ultimately we will accept whatever God has planned for us.

Thank you for your love, your support and your prayers. We love sharing our family with you and hope each of you gain as much through our family as we have gained through you. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during the next few weeks. We don't know how things will go but we trust in God and know that we will be blessed through our faith.

We love you all and are so thankful that you are a part of our lives. We are thankful that we can share not only the good but the times we struggle as well. God is good and we know that we are firmly in His loving hands.

With love,
Mike and Michelle

2010? Wow!

2010-01-23T01:09:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that we are already into 2010! Not only have we started it but we are almost done with the first month of the year! Ifeel like such a slacker since I have been writing but I feel like I have some valid excuses why. My regret is that even though we've had things crop up I missed out on writing what has happened in these first months of the new year.

First off, the big news is that we are expecting our 10th child! We found out towards the beginning of December and told the kids at Christmas time. I am due in August. I made a little onsie for Madison that said "Big Sister" in rhinestones on it. Kaylie (who already knew we were expecting) opened it on Christmas Eve with Madison sitting in her lap. She held it up for everyone to see and said, "Oh! It says Big Sister!" Emma promptly replied, "Ahhh, that's because she's starting to get chunky!" I guess she didn't realize that it said Big Sister not Big Sista!

When I said no, that's not what it meant Savannah was quick to say, "Oh, that's because she's growing!" Shaking my head in amazement because afterall, how many times have we done this sort of thing before, I said no again. Garrett suddenly opened his eyes really wide and said, "Does this mean I get to tell everyone I'm getting another sister?!" Laughing I told him that he was right but that we didn't know if it was a boy or girl yet. I guess he just assumed given the odds that he's getting another sister! The kids were excited and have bets on whether we are having a boy or a girl.

I was doing pretty well for a while, which was fortunate because both Madison and Caroline were sick for about a month and a half. However, the last couple weeks have found me very tired and starting to really feel the effects of pregnancy. Of course that is good but on the otherhand I'll be happy to have more energy again! Right now I have a kidney infection and am hoping that will clear soon enough with the medicine I'm now taking.

Life has been busy with sick babies, school, church, youth group and Mike's job. Hopefully though things are settling down and we can enjoy 2010 before it slips away from us!

We've had some great kidisms around here lately and I'll have to dedicate a post to just those one day. Those are the little day to day things that I always want to remember and know if I don't write them down that life and shortness of memory will take them from me.

I hope you've been well and I apologize for being gone so long! I can't wait to share our newest baby with you and all of the fun that happens around here. I'm holding on tight because I know that 2010 is sure to be an exciting ride!

As So The Year Will End...

2009-12-31T01:01:00.003-05:00

It's amazing to me that we are at the close of 2009. Where did the year go? How in the world does it just slip away from us? I know I can look through my archives here and read all the funny, wonderful, scary and amazing things that happened through the year. I will probably spend my day on Friday doing just that! Later today though I plan on putting up a collage of our year in pictures. I did this last year and then sent it out to family and friends. It was a hit! It was so hard to try to compress our year into just a few pictures per month. But when I look at those pictures I can't help but laugh and cry and just feel so much love and joy. It's amazing how blessed we are!

Come back later to see how 2009 looks for our family in pictures! It's sure to make you smile, laugh, and hopefully inspire you to see how blessed you were as well this past year!

Quote of the Day

2009-12-10T16:55:00.003-05:00

Ben came to me earlier and said, "Mama, smell my armpits. They smell like corndogs!"

I grinned at him and said, "Honey, that's just lunch cooking but it sure would be fun to have armpits that smell like corndogs."

Ben frowned and walked away. I think he really wanted corndog smelling armpits.

A Beggar's Hands

2009-11-30T20:36:00.002-05:00

I had a very overwhelming and moving experience yesterday at Mass. I was on the list to serve as one of the Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion. While I had been "trained" to do this job I had never been called or had the opportunity to do this duty before.

After we all prayed the Our Father and shared a sign of peace with each other I approached the side of the altar to wait for the proper time to receive communion myself and to be handed the vessel that I would be serving from. I assumed I would be given a chalice filled with the Holy Blood and I was nervous about making sure I didn't drop it or spill any of the precious blood of Christ. Upon receiving communion myself I was handed not a chalice but a ciborium filled with the Body of Christ. A new set of worries took over... would I drop one? Would I know immediately if the communicant was receiving by mouth or hand? Would I accidently touch someone's tongue? Despite my concerns I took my place and began giving the Lord's body to each who came to me.

I saw that my hand was shaking, not as I lifted Christ before them and said, "The Body of Christ" but as I gently placed Him either in their hands or on their tongue. I realized that I was shaking not because I was nervous but because I was holding Jesus in my hands and giving Him to His faithful followers. The sheer magnitude of what I was getting to do was simply amazing.

Because my family only receives communion on the tongue I was not bothered at all by placing Christ onto the tongues of those who came to me. I thought that maybe I would be but found that I wasn't. I was surprised, however, that I found myself in awe of those who received by hand. I looked at those hands, all of them so different. Some of them were callosed and hard, others were soft and smooth. There were young hands and old hands. Hands that were missing fingers. Hands that had perfectly manicured nails. They were all so different and yet the very same. They were all outstretched waiting to hold and accept Christ.

One woman came to me, her hands cupped together, almost like a poor beggar hoping for food. I came to understand that all of us are just poor beggars waiting for the food of life... Christ's body. As I lifted Christ before her and heard her "Amen" I felt a tremendous amount of love and humility fill me. I caught my breath and my eyes filled with tears. It was hard to hold back the tears because the magnitude of what I was getting to do with and for my fellow parishoners was so overwhelming. I didn't expect those feelings.

I have always believed in the Real Presence of Christ in the Holy Eucharist. I believe that the bread and wine does become Jesus' body and blood just as he commanded in the Bible. Yesterday though something amazing happened for me. I was reminded that while Jesus offers us this beautiful gift we still have to accept it with our hearts open to His will. We have to have our hands cupped, outstretched and eager for the blessings that God has promised us, that He gives us each and every day. We have to say, "Amen! I believe!" and we have to take Him into our hearts, minds and bodies. He has to become a part of us in the most intimate way.

The Holy Eucharist is such a blessing. Yesterday I felt fortunate to be able to participate in the most important aspect of our faith. I feel blessed. I feel loved. I feel whole. I am so thankful for this beautiful and important gift that Jesus has given to us!

A Giveaway at The Displaced Texan

2009-11-19T21:03:00.002-05:00

Allison over at The Displaced Texan is hosting a Build-a-Bear giveaway. Go check her out! Hurry it ends tomorrow! Not only could you win a great prize but honestly she is a great writer too! I love her views on her faith and I am particularly loving that she's back in the U.S. now!

Allison, thank you for your sacrifice as a military wife. I have lived that life and it is a hard one! Most people don't understand the sacrifices that families make as their soldiers are giving so much for our freedoms and rights.

Flavored Just Right

2009-11-17T23:15:00.003-05:00

The other day I was making a pork loin roast for supper. We have had this before but this was a different recipe for it. I don't know how many times I was asked, "What is that? What are we having for supper?" Patiently I would reply, "We are having pork loin. It's a roast. It's a pig. You'll love it." Whoever was asking would say ok and skip off into the other room.

If you think that each kid asked a minimum of 2 times that was 14 times I was asked what was for supper (since Caroline and Madison can't talk yet!). However some asked more than this. Anna asked probably 6 times what we were having for supper. Finally my patience wore thin and I gave an answer that I thought might make her stop asking me what we were having. The kids are used to me answering with off the wall answers so I didn't think she'd be bothered by my answer but just might stop asking me over and over again the same question.

Anna: Mama, what are we havin' for supper?

Me: Oh, just some fried rabbit ears and grilled kitten in a nice wine sauce.

Anna with a puzzled look on her face: What's a wine sauce?

Oh my gosh I laughed and laughed. She took the rabbit ears and kittens in stride like I cook those all the time but the wine sauce? Who on earth would serve something like that? I told her what a wine sauce is and asked if it sounded yummy. She said no and then giggled.

Anna: Mama, you aren't making kittens and rabbit ears.

Me: You're right Anna. It's a roast. Now go and play.

Kaylie and I laughed and laughed when she left the room. I guess she knows me well enough to know that I'll joke about eating kittens but not about wine sauce. That's serious stuff right there!

By the way, the roast was amazing and the wine sauce complimented it nicely!

Still An Obsession

2009-11-13T13:29:00.002-05:00

If you've been reading here very long you may remember a post I made about Anna and her love of armpits. You might not remember it, it's been almost a year ago! If you can't recall and want to read about it you can find it here. Well, Anna had not said anything in a long time about armpits and I assumed that her fascination with them might just be over. Yesterday proved me wrong...

I was down in the laundry room switching over laundry when Anna came to me and said, "Hey, Mama, smell my armpit!"

I told her no, I was pretty sure I didn't want to smell her armpit.

She said, "Yes you do! It's smells good!"

I was pretty sure she probably got into someone's deodorant but it didn't change my mind. I assured her that no, I really didn't need to smell them.

"But Mama, I'm swerious... you just need to smell them!" she exclaimed.

"Anna, I'M serious. No, I'm not smelling your armpits."

Anna sighs loudly and shakes her head, "You're missing out Mama."

She walked off and I laughed. I was missing out on some sweet smelling armpits. Funny thing is, I don't think I missed out on much! The best part wasn't the smell but the story that went with it!

Pickles and Rabbit Poop

2009-11-10T16:55:00.004-05:00

I love the mispronunciations that my kids have. There are certain words that while they are little I just don't correct. Many things will correct themselves over time and while they are little it's not so important to say everything correctly. It's not going to be long and my kids won't need to get something out of the "refridilator" or want to color with "cwayons" or take a "baff wiff bubbles".

I also love the phrases my kids come up with. Sometimes they take something very simple and change it into something different based on what they think they are hearing. Take this song for instance... Pat Benetar's "Heartbreaker". This song is on the Guitar Hero game and so the kids know it. Bella loves it and sings it alot. But when she sings it she says, "You're a heartbreaker, Pickle maker!" and then hums the rest of the other words. I crack up every single time.

Today we were eating hot dogs and macaroni and cheese and Bella decided she needed pepper for her macaroni. She looked around and then said, "Hey, where's the good pepper? You know the one that looks like rabbit poop?" After I finally stopped laughing I told her just to use regular pepper since the "rabbit poop pepper" was in the cabinet.

On weeks like my recent ones where the kids are bouncing off the walls, the house is a mess, school is lagging and I feel like I'm being torn in so many directions, when I hear one of the kids say something like this it helps me remember how fun my kids are. Sure, being a parent is a lot of work but the rewards are great. Sometimes it just takes hearing a song sung out of tune and with different words to help me remember.

Checking In

2009-11-09T00:02:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote! Time seems to get away so quickly these days. Most of the time I feel like I'm chasing my tail with all that we have to do. It's funny because we don't have a lot of "extras" that we do, only a few. Still, we are always on the go and busy. It's nice to stop and smell the roses sometimes.

Madison is doing much better. She's finally growing! At four months now she finally broke the 10 pound mark! I was so excited for her. She weighed 10 1/2 pounds at 4 months 1 week. She still is having problems both with her bowels and her reflux but not nearly as bad as she was before. Well, I say that but the reflux is worse, the bowels a tiny bit better. I guess in the end it balances out. She is a wonderful and happy baby though. She giggles alot and belly laughs at Garrett. He is particularly fond of her and calls her "his baby". One day that boy is going to make an amazing husband and father! At 14 he knows more than most men ever know even after having their own kids. I love to watch them together!

Caroline is feisty and gets into everything! Oh how she keeps me on my toes! I know when I can't hear her "talking" that means trouble. She's normally up to her elbows playing in the toliet. I know, gross. She's also been known to just climb right in the toliet too. Oh how she's naughty! But her laugh just lights up her eyes and she wiggles her way out of being in trouble. She's 16 months old now. She's only 18 1/2 pounds but those 18 1/2 pounds are naughty and silly! She's learning from the best (Bella) so she's definitely one that's going to keep us busy!

Ben is getting big... 3 1/2 now! Every day I am amazed by him and how he's just a little man now. I look at him and wonder where my baby went to. With his little cowlick he reminds us of Flapjack and that is my nickname for him now. He calls me "Bubby" sometimes who is Flapjack's "mama" on the show. She's a whale who is fiercely protective of Flapjack. Yep, he's my Flapjack and I'm his Bubby. He melts my heart.

Anna is just so stinking funny now! She has the absolute best laugh in the world and has figured out how to tell a joke. I love 5 year olds and their new found funny bone. She is tiny but a prankster and you'd never know it by looking at her. She's pretty shy around everyone else but for those who know her... watch out! She's out to pull a fast one on you. She makes me smile every single day with a joke or a prank. She loves taking pictures of herself making funny faces and I have tons of pictures of us together just making faces. I hope she always remembers that because I know I will.

Bella... oh, Bella. 6 going on 7 and crazy as ever! She still keeps me on my toes with the things she comes up with. I wonder sometimes what goes on in her mind. She is naughty but God love her, she is so darn sweet too. She's one that's very much in need of physical love. She loves to hug and kiss and lay on you. Most of the time that wouldn't be a problem except that she's built like a bear cub... stocky and strong and full of life. She doesn't sit still when she's on you and she practically can tackle me AND Mike to the ground! Still, she loves to love you and she has a heart of gold. Most of my best stories begin with, "Guess what Bella did today".

Emma is nine now and is finally finding out that she can be a big girl and doesn't need to whine. It's been a pleasant change! It's funny to see the light bulbs going off in her mind. She's not a little girl but not a big one either. She's starting to want to be bigger though and is figuring out the differences, especially in how people act, and is trying to act a little older. She's really come a long way. Because she's so tiny most people think she's only about 6. She's treated so much younger because of it. She's starting to exert a little bit in that area and will let people know that she really is older and can do more things. It makes me proud to see her that way. She is still Irish Step dancing and is doing a wonderful job! She loves it and I enjoy watching her perform so much!

Savannah is 11 and is turning into such a wonderful young lady. She absolutely adores Caroline and begs me to be able to help take care of her. She makes sure that she is the last person to kiss Caroline before she goes to bed and that she is the first one to get to hold her when she wakes up. I just love watching them together. She is going to make an amazing mother one day. She is so patient and kind to the little kids. She takes them outside to play and loves to give them baths. She helps dress them and loves to just sit with them in her lap. She is amazing! She is also still in Irish Step dancing and is getting so good! Every week the teacher tells me how impressed she is with her. She and Emma will be starting hard shoe at the first of the year. They are so excited!

Garrett is 14 and is such an amazing young man. I just can't even begin to say how impressed I am with him. He still has his times where I scratch my head and say, "WHY???" but those are getting to be fewer and farther between. He loves Madison and claims she's his "gangsta baby". He totes her around and loves on her. It just really makes my heart swell when I see them together. He's been having some health issues that I'm hoping won't be too horrible for him. He has deveoloped a chest deformity called Pectus Carinatum. I noticed a large lump on his chest last month and we went on to do a lot of testing following that. We ruled out bone cancer, scoliosis as well as a few other things. We finally figured out Pectus Carinatum even though he doesn't present in the normal fashion (normally the deformity is uniform, his is only on one side, thus he doesn't have a "pigeon beak" presentation but more of a Quasimodo in the front formation). We never do things the normal fashion and this was a really scary time for us. When we were ruling out the big things like cancer it was almost too much to bear! Poor Garrett has already been through so much in his short life but he is approaching this like he does all his other medical problems... he has a constant smile on his face and is always laughing. He is such a wonderful kid!

Kaylie is 16! She has had her driver's permit for over a year now and only needs to finish an online course she's been working on before she can go get her license. I think she has about 6 hours left of the 30 hour course to do. She is just a great kid too. So honest and trustworthy. I know she's going to do great once she does get her license. She's hoping to be able to go get a job once she has it. I'm not sure how I feel about that but I know the experience will be good for her. She is finally becoming a little more outgoing and has been making a lot of new friends. She's loves to still hang out with me though and I love that so much! She tells her friends that I'm one of her best friends and I can't even tell you how much that means too. Most teenagers think their parents are stupid and yet mine tells their friends that we're pretty cool and that they love to hang out with us. I never knew how much I would love having teenagers! She makes me look forward to all the rest coming up.

So that's the update on the kids. I'll have to do Mike and me later. If you got this far, thank you! If not, that's ok too since I love being able to come back and read years later what was going on right now in our lives. Life is hectic and I need to remember to slow down and catch my breath sometimes. Otherwise it's all going to be a blur when I try to remember it all later on.

I hope everyone is doing wonderfully! Noonie, thank you for checking up on me! It made me smile to get your message :)

Madison is 3 Months Old!

2009-10-02T19:13:00.002-05:00

Madison is 3 months old already! Where in the world has the time gone? She has been struggling still some with her bowels but a bout of sickness seems to have helped a little. As much as I hate her to be sick I also hope it will continue to keep her bowels from backing up.

The kids are still head over heals for her. Caroline has showed no signs of jealousy and loves to kiss her little sister on her head and face. She loves to sit with her and will climb in the swing to be with her. Madison doesn't care for this but Caroline loves it!

Madison is sleeping and eating well. She has severe reflux so that's frustrating. She weighs just a mere 9 1/2 pounds but she growning anyway! Although she was born at 8 lbs 2 oz she lost so much with her bowel problems and the surgeries she went through. So she is gaining and while it's a slow gain it's still a gain. We chalk it up to a win for her!

She is so smiley and grins from ear to ear every time someone talks to her. She's a gem. It's funny to go from Caroline who was colicky and so hard to handle to Madison who is pretty laid back and who loves to cuddle, eat and sleep!

She is such an amazing addition to our family. It's funny how you wonder when you are pregnant just how this newest baby will fit in and then she's here and she fits like she was always here. I can't imagine life without her.

She keeps us smiling and laughing. She talks to us with coos and giggles. She makes the older kids ooh and ahh. That's always a great thing to hear and see... the older kids doting on the little ones. Garrett has claimed her to be "his baby" much like Savannah "claimed" Caroline. Garrett calls Madison his gansta baby and says she's going to always be his buddy. I just love it and it melts my heart.

While I don't know if we'll have any more children I do know that the children God has sent us have all been exactly what our family needs. I hope and pray there are more blessings on the horizon for us as Madison has been a clear reminder of what an amazing joy children are to their families.

Sprekenzie Deutsche

2009-09-27T22:54:00.003-05:00

Each year before our school year starts I ask the kids what kinds of things they would like to learn about in the upcoming year. It's a brainstorming session that helps me decide where we will go with the new school year.

This year Kaylie said she'd like to continue learning French and Japanese and perhaps start Italian if she has the time. This made me happy since I am pretty good with French (I've had 5 years of French and can read and speak pretty well).

Garrett said he'd love to learn German. I told him we'd have to have his daddy's help on that one since Mike took some German in school and would know more about the pronunciations than I would.

Savannah talked about learning more math (she loves math!) and wanting to do more science experiments.

As we got to Emma she said she also wanted to learn more math and science. She didn't say much else. I thought they each had some really great ideas.

Later while I was in the babies room Emma came to find me. She said she thought of something else she'd like to learn. I was curious since she seemed so serious. Emma said she'd like to learn English. I reassured her that we would do more English and that everyone had to do it, not just her.

She said, "No, I want to learn to speak English. You know, like, 'Good day mate! Would you like some tea and biscuits' " (of course this was said in her best British accent). She proceeded to say, "You know, they call cookies biscuits over there. I want to learn to speak English like that!"

I laughed so hard! It was so cute and I assured her that we'd figure out just how to speak "English" perfectly so that the next time we had a tea party we could speak in a foreign language.

Perspective

2009-08-31T15:43:00.003-05:00

Today Kaylie was deep cleaning her room. Because she's a teenager this isn't something that happens often at all. In fact, I would say it's been years since her room was deep cleaned. Sure she straightens it up every now and again but to actually deep clean it, just doesn't happen.

For whatever reason she decided that it was time to go through all of her "treasures" and really clean out her room. I didn't ask her to do it she just decided on her own. So she's been downstairs for two days going through everything. She started with her closet and she and Savannah (who share the closet space) started going through clothes and shoes. She then moved on to the storage containers that have books and toys and stuffed animals. I've left her alone because I know that going through things that have meant alot to you over the years is hard to do. She needs time and space to do that.

Today she moved on to the rest of her room. She just came to me while I was downstairs putting in more laundry, her hand hiding behind her back. Smiling a huge grins she said that while she was cleaning she found something and wanted to give it to me. Our conversation went like this...

Kaylie: Mama, it seems that several years ago I made you a card for Mother's day that I forgot to give you.

Me: Oh, really?

Kaylie: Yep, here it is!

The card was made out of computer paper and the front was colored with blue crayon and she had drawn a pink rose on it. In the inside on one side was pink hearts and blue stars. On the opposite side it said in rainbow lettering, "Happy Mother's Day to the best Mama ever!" Below this is a mom and daughter hugging.

I smiled and said thank you. She then said..

Kaylie: It has to be from quite a while ago.

Me: Why? Because of the way you wrote and how you drew?

Kaylie: No, because I drew myself so much shorter than you.

Me: How would you draw it now? Both of us the same height?

Kaylie (laughing and walking off towards her room rubbing it in): No, I'd draw me a little taller!

How different our perspectives are! She sees the growth physically that she's made over the last several years and I see more of the emotional growth she's gone through. Either way she's grown and is becoming quite an amazing young woman. She makes me proud. I think I should draw her a card now with a mom and daughter hugging, the daugther slightly taller than the mother, with the message... "You are a wonderful daughter and I'm so proud to be your Mama!" Of course it'd have pink hearts, blue stars and a rose on the front.

Two Years Ago Today

2009-08-28T20:12:00.002-05:00

Two years ago today was one of the hardest I've ever had. It was the day we lost Dominic. I had lost him already but my body refused to give him up so I went in for a D&C. I walked in the hospital as two and came out as one, but without a baby in my arms. Coming home was bittersweet. The kids were mourning too but they also helped keep me going. They drew me pictures, they hugged me and Kaylie made a video of our family. All these things showed me that even though I was hurting and lost God was still right there with me. With us.

I was very lucky that I was able to get pregnant immediately but all through my pregnancy I cried for the babies I had lost in the past. I cried for Dominic by name because he was the only baby we had lost that we had named, but there have been more and I have cried for them as well. For me it doesn't matter the amount of time that they have been in our lives, they are our children and when they aren't here we miss them.

Looking back on that day I would have never guessed that two years later I would have not one but TWO babies now! It's hard to know and understand God's plans but I know deep in my heart that they are always better than my own. I try to remind myself of that when things seem so hard. On this day two years ago it was almost, but not quite, impossible. Thankfully God used my other children to remind me of His love and His plans. They showed me each and every day that God was (and is) in control. Thankfully so!

I can't begin to imagine what our lives will be two years from now. I suppose that's probably for the best. I'm not sure I would want to know. The joy of all the unexpected blessings is amazing. God is good and I trust that He will always see us through all those times when it seems like we are stumbling around in the dark. He has the light and leads the way. When I think back to all the dark times we have been through I remember that light that shone and kept me moving forward. It ws shining through Mike. It was shining through our children. And it was shining through all our friends who provided love and help. God's love was all around us. How beautiful is that?!

We love and miss you Dominic... you are forever in our hearts.

Our Pimpin' Ride

2009-08-26T23:46:00.002-05:00

I have to admit it... I never in a million years thought I would be driving a 15 passenger van. Shoot, I never thought I would drive a minivan and swore I would never drive a full sized van and yet here I am, Captain of a 15 passenger bus!

When I was a child I always wanted 9 kids. I wanted my very own baseball team. To be honest I never thought about what I would need to drive in order to get them all where they needed to go. I knew I didn't want a full sized van since I hate ours that we had when I was a kid. There were 7 of us kids plus my mom and dad and grandma. There were only technically 7-8 seats with 3-4 of them being in the back on a bench. That meant several of us were floor riders. Definitely not something you can do now but back then there weren't seatbelt laws or capacity laws and we all stuffed in that van. On carpool days it was even worse. We looked like clowns all unpiling from that van. All of us plus all the kids we picked up along the way... well, it made for a funny sight when we needed to all get out at school. It scarred me and I swore I would never drive a full sized van.

A couple years ago we were presented with the opportunity to buy a new vehicle. It was a deal we couldn't pass up. The only thing was we were currently driving a 7 passenger Chevy Astro van and had 8 people in our family. That meant if we needed to all go somewhere we had to drive two cars (you know because we couldn't just pack in kids like we could in the 70s and 80s). We debated on whether we wanted to go up to a 12 passenger or a 15 passenger van. We decided on the 15 passenger one. My inlaws questioned if we were sure we wanted to buy something that huge. We figured if we did we'd never have to upgrade again despite adding more kids to the family. It was one of the best decisions I think we have ever made.

I never thought I would like driving a big van but I love it. We have so much room and it truly isn't hard to drive or park. It drives really smoothly and handles like a dream. I hate that it doesn't get great gas mileage but I guess we had to sacrifice somewhere.

That said we get a lot of comments about our "bus". The kids were bothered by it at first I think (well, a couple of the older ones) but as their friends have gotten to ride in it the embarassment has faded. It's a relief too since that's going to be our ride for a long, long time!

A couple of my favorite comments that we have gotten recently are:

1. One of Savannah's friends had a friend over to her house (she lives next door to us) and the new girl saw our van and said, "Wow, you go to school in that bus?" Savannah laughed and said, "We go everywhere in that thing! It's just our car." She then explained that we have 9 children and the girl told her how lucky she is!

2. A couple weeks ago I had my hair permed by a friend who works at a saloon. I parked and walked in. My friend told me to sit down and asked if I brought anyone with me. I said no and that I had instructed them to not call me for the next couple of hours as it would be hard for me to answer the phone. The lady who works with Carla asked, "Oh, who do you drive for?" Carla and I started to laugh and I said, "I drive for myself. That's my car." Carla told her how many kids we have and she laughed.

We call our van Big Bertha. She is huge and white and looks like a church bus. But she is ours and we love her. I guess she's proof that we should never say never.

A Long 8 Weeks

2009-08-25T22:04:00.005-05:00

Madison will be 2 months old tomorrow. It's hard to believe that so much time has passed already. It seems like yesterday that I was worrying about her health in utero and we were anxiously waiting for her to get her.

Of course it also seems like a long 2 months as well. Poor Madison has been through so much already. Xrays, biopsies, IV lines, a spinal tap... more than a tiny person should ever have to go through.

We have had a virus at our house for a couple weeks now. For the older kids it meant diarrhea for a day or two followed by sore throats and a hacking cough. For Madison it has meant so much more.

For two weeks now Madison has been running fever. She did have some diarrhea, which given her non-pooping status, you'd think that'd be a good thing, but it wasn't. She was throwing up and fussy. She was a mess.

Last week her temperature got to 101.3 which for an infant who is less than 8 weeks (which she was) is way too high. We called our pediatrician's office and the on call doctor in turn sent us to our local ER. The ER doctor took one look at her, listened to her chest for literally about 3 seconds and said, "You know, she looks fine and if she looks fine that generally means she is fine." I almost choked on the words I was holding back. Needless-to-say, the next morning I called our pediatrician's office again, talked to our doctor and we were sent immediately to Scottish Rite Children's Hospital for tests.

The doctor there told me that he would have wanted us to come days earlier because his allowable temp for an infant that young is much lower (100.4) than our own doctor's comfort level (100.8). He looked her over and decided that a series of tests were indeed in order. I told him that I felt pretty confident that she had the same virus that the others had but just worse. He agreed but decided we should do the tests just in case.

Poor Madison then went through getting her blood drawn (which with teeny tiny veins makes for a hard job for the nurse and lots of pain for baby!), we took urine samples, did chest and tummy xrays and finally a spinal tap. That was torture to watch, not because I felt like they were hurting her (they numbed her back so I know she wasn't in pain) but because she was screaming as a result of the position they had to have her in to get her spine to open up. I was so happy when all the tests were done. All we had to do was wait then.

All tests came back negative and the doctor concluded that yes, she was just suffering from the same virus the older kids had. It was just affecting her more severely. We were told to follow up with our pediatrician a few days later. On Friday she was worse and I called the doctor to get her seen again. She was starting to be more congested. Our ped looked her over and said that he wanted stool cultures on her just to be sure she didn't have something other than the original virus. UGH! I hate getting stool samples anyway but from her it was going to be extra hard!

Through the weekend she continued to get worse. I almost put in a call to her doctor on Sunday (especially since I knew he was the on call doctor!) but decided against it. Instead I called on Monday morning. They were booked and put us in for an appointment today. This morning brought more fever, more congestion and more fussiness. Looking her over he found that she has the beginnings of ear infections and a lot of "crud" in her lungs. We started antibiotics. We are hoping that this will finally be the cure for her. I forgot to take in the much sought after poop sample that I was finally able to get last night so I will have to go back with those tomorrow. She was back to diarrhea today.

It's funny to think that 8 weeks ago I would have never thought this is where we'd be right now. I thought maybe we'd be dealing with Spina Bifida problems but those have not materialized (and hopefully won't!) Even though those haven't been here we've dealt with so many things anyway. I didn't visualize myself watching her have a needle stuck in her back and seeing the doctor take some of her spinal fluid. I didn't see myself holding her down as still as possible while she screamed and fought for a first and then second and then third sets of xrays. I didn't think her arms would be bruised from being stuck with needles searching for tiny veins. But that has been life so far for 8 weeks. A life that I wouldn't give up for anything.

I guess in the end I know that things could be so much worse. We could be dealing with bigger physical problems but we aren't. Don't get me wrong, it has been so hard! I hate seeing my poor little girl struggling so much. I hate wondering if she is going to have trouble breathing today or if she'll throw up continuously (on top of sickness she has severe reflux). I hate seeing her struggle to poop. I hate taking her in for the testing she's been through. But I know it could be worse and I am grateful it's not.

It's funny to look at her, knowing she's #9, and still be amazed at how much love I can have for her. You would think you are prepared for that love after so many but you aren't. You might even think that your heart only has so much room but every time we add a child we add more room for love. I look at her and feel overwhelmed with emotions. She is tiny. She is beautiful. She is mine. I don't deserve her but I thank God every single day for her.

Please continue to keep her in your prayers. Thank you!

Quote Of The Day

2009-08-05T19:38:00.002-05:00

Savannah asked me at supper tonight...

"Mama, do you know why old people eat with their pinkies out?"

"No, why?"

"It's so after they take a bite they can dig out what's stuck in their teeth."

I laughed and said ok but I'm pretty sure that people (even old ones) don't eat with their pinkies out so they can get out any stuck food. I hated to tell her that it's probably "fancy" people who eat that way and surely "fancy" people don't dig in their teeth after they eat!

New Post At The Homeschool Classroom

2009-08-03T12:00:00.005-05:00

I have a new post up over at The Homeschool Classroom... you should check it out even if you don't homeschool (you can see a few pictures of my mess and my attempts at organizing!)

It's been a while since I last linked to The Homeschool Classroom although I have been writing every week there since the start of last school year (although we are writing every other week during the summer). I thoroughly enjoy writing there and I always mean to link over to my articles. If you'd like to see them you can scroll on the side and click on the link "Written by Michelle". Of course besides just the articles written by me there are so many great articles written by several amazing homeschooling moms! You should check them out too.

If you are a homeschooler, or even if you aren't, and you have an idea of something you'd like one of us to write about please let me know! I'd love hear about new topics to write about. Leave me a comment here and let me know what you think about my article over at the Homeschool Classroom. Leave a comment there as well! I'd love to hear from you!

On Growing Up

2009-07-31T11:52:00.004-05:00

Today Emma came to me and said, "Mama, I think I must really be growing up." When I asked why she thought that she said, "Well, you know, I just don't like to be dirty anymore. I really like taking showers everyday now". I guess when you are little it's cool to be muddy and dirty. When you are big it's not so much fun!

As I giggled I told her that indeed she must be growing up. I'm hoping we get to avoid that nagging stage where I have to constantly remind her to shower. It happened with the other 3 older ones. I don't think it's that they liked to be dirty but I think they just didn't want to take the time to be clean. Thankfully that stage only lasted a short period before they decided it was nicer to be clean and it really didn't take much of their time to get that way. It would be nice to just avoid that stage altogether with Emma.

While I'm not ready for her to be grown up yet but I am happy she sees the value in being clean! It's funny how even in growing up we take tiny baby steps to get there. She's just started taking more of those steps towards being a "big girl".

Updating on Madison

2009-07-30T23:10:00.003-05:00

Early this week we finally got Madison's biopsy report in. She does NOT have Hirschsprung's disease! That is such a huge relief. It means we won't have to have another surgery and she'll keep all her intestines. I was worried about putting her under for the surgery and about the healing time. I'm so happy we won't have to go through that!

She has pooped on her own twice now since the biopsy. That is great news. She struggles to poop but at least she's trying and getting some out. We are hoping that all she needed was some time for her body to figure things out and start to work on it's own. The doctor told us that often times after having the barium enema and/or biopsies done that it helps kick the baby's body into action and stimulates those muscles that might not be working right. Hopefully that is the case with Madison. It sure would be nice to be done worrying about it!

Madison also has severe reflux so we are constantly cleaning up puke. It's a wonder that she showed an increase in weight this last time we had her weighed! But she did show growth and that is encouraging too. She wasn't up to birth weight yet (at a month old) but she is close. I'd venture to say she probably is now.

She is such a wonderful baby. It's nice to say that about our baby after the struggles we had with Caroline and colic (read about the positive effects of colic by clicking on that link!). I hated when people would ask me if Caroline was a good baby I'd always have to reply, "Um, not so much". It made me feel like I was failing as a mother. I know I wasn't but it still felt that way. She was just so difficult and it took everything in us to get through those months of screaming. Madison on the otherhand is so laid back and so calm. She is such a sweet, cuddly baby. I am enjoying every second of her! I'm praying she continues to have this wonderful disposition.

We are hoping that all will be calm now and we won't face any other problems. I think poor Madison deserves some easy times now. She struggled so much before birth and spent her first month struggling. We are ready for some calm and some quiet times. I'm praying her body is healing and she'll not have to struggle anymore.

Thank you for the prayers. They mean a lot to us! We are trying to settle into our new normal here. All the kids have adjusted to having a new sibling and every single one of them (including Caroline!) love her. Not a single one has shown any signs of jealousy. We worried with Caroline being so young yet but she's done beautifully and loves to love on her baby sister. It melts my heart!

We are truly blessed.

Trouble?

2009-07-27T01:17:00.002-05:00

We think Caroline might have a personality like Bella's. That little grin is awfully cute but very naughty too. What do you think? Do you think we might be in for some trouble from this one? I think that soon I'll have a lot to write about what Caroline is in to and how Bella is helping her. Double trouble...

You Know It's A Good Day When...

2009-07-24T20:35:00.003-05:00

you've been waiting for weeks for your baby to poop on her own and she finally does it! You would think that none of the other kids had ever seen poop before as they were crowded around me while I changed her diaper. They all needed to see that she really did go. They cheered and clapped and were just as happy as I was!

No test results yet from her biopsy but I'm so glad that she pooped on her own that I can wait it out through the weekend. God blessed me with a bit more patience when I changed that diaper today.

A Little Awkward

2009-07-23T15:41:00.003-05:00

Today I had a doctor's appointment and I took Savannah and Madison with me. While in the waiting room a nurse was trying to entertain a little boy. His mother was in her appointment and I guess he was having trouble being good while she was checked out. The nurse volunteered to keep him busy. It was nice of her.

She noticed me sitting there holding Madison and she asked me how old she was. I told her that she'd be 4 weeks tomorrow. She oohed and ahhed over her and said she was beautiful. She then turned to Savannah who was sitting next to me and asked her how old she was. Savannah said, "I'm 10, going to be 11 next month." The nurse then told her how pretty she was and how much she liked Savannah's shirt.

The nurse then turned to me and said, "Wow! She's just so beautiful. She's all curvy and tall and she already has her boobies!"

Uh, what? Did you just comment on my almost 11 year old's boobies? It was a little awkward to say the least. Savannah isn't advanced in her development nor is she behind. She's right on target but to have a 50 some odd year old woman talk about her breasts was a little disconcerting.

When I was getting ready to go and checking out the nurse came up to me again and said, "Your daughter really is beautiful. I just can't believe her tatas are coming in already. It just amazes me how girls develop these days." I just smiled and said, "You're right." and left.

This was the first time I had ever met this woman. I think she might have had some boundary issues. What an awkward situation.

Waiting...

2009-07-22T21:22:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the hardest part of having something physically wrong with you is the waiting you do. You wait to get diagnosed. You wait to figure out what the treatment will be. You wait for the treatment to start working. You wait to start feeling better. The waiting is a hard aspect of illness.

Right now we are waiting for Madison's biopsy results to get back. On Monday she had tissue taken from her intestines in several places to check for Hirschsprung's Disease. As of Monday she had only pooped 1 time since passing meconium after being born. That's a long time to go without pooping.

At her barium enema test/xrays she ended up exploding out the barium (and poop) in a telltale sign of Hirschsprung's (often poop will come out with amazing force when the rectum is stimulated). At the xrays they found a spot where her intestines were blocked and not functioning right. The biopsies on Monday are supposed to tell us if we are dealing with Hirschsprung's or not. If the tests are positive we will do another surgery to remove the diseased intestines. If the tests are negative we will be back to square one, trying to figure out what is going on and what we can do to help.

Right now we just wait. I hate waiting. It leaves you too much time to come up with all the worst case senerios. I have a very active imagination and can think up some pretty bad things. I don't think any of them will happen to be what's wrong but late at night you can really get yourself to worrying.

Of course when I look at this little face I'd wait eons to figure out how best to help her. The waiting has helped me cherish each moment I have had so far with Madison. I love holding her. I love just watching her. I love that God gave her to me. I only hope that in all this waiting we will find out how best to help her and to make her well. She's such a wonderful baby already. We've been very blessed.

I guess waiting can be good. I keep telling myself that anyway. It definitely can build character and help you learn patience. I'm trying to be patient and trying to remember that things come in God's time and that is always a much better schedule than I have planned out. It's hard to remember sometimes though. I suppose during that time I'm waiting I can remind myself of that over and over again.

We are praying for test results that show things can be fixed. I trust that God is in control and that in the end things will be just how they are supposed to be. Now if I could just be more patient while I wait...

Quote of the Day

2009-07-17T20:10:00.003-05:00

was said by Ben today as he was running through the kitchen while pulling up his britches that were falling down:

"Hey Mama, can yews see mine crack?"

Yes I could. I think the boy needs a belt and quite possibly some underwear.

Biopsy Scheduled

2009-07-17T17:54:00.003-05:00

We have Madison's biopsy scheduled for Monday at Scottish Rite Hospital in Atlanta. Please keep her in your prayers. We hope to find what's going on and to be honest I pray it is Hirschsprung's so we can fix it and move on. I don't want to be back at square one if it's not. As much as I don't want to go through another surgery if it is HD I know that in the end that will be easier on her than going through a whole bunch of testing trying to figure out what it is. The not knowing and the hemming and hawing is so hard on all of us. To get a firm diagnosis and actually have a plan of action is much better in the end.

We are praying for steady hands for the surgeon, calm hearts for us and complete healing for Madison.

Only Bella

2009-07-15T15:26:00.002-05:00

I wonder how many posts I could start that way? Only Bella has been a saying of mine for almost 6 1/2 years now! She has kept us on our toes since she was born and I often just have to shake my head and walk away from her. Sometimes she boggles my mind, other times she just makes us laugh and laugh.

Today I had to run out to town to pay a couple bills. When I was gone I got a phone call from a friend. I almost never talk on the phone while in the car since I think it's dangerous but since I was so close to getting home I decided to talk. I pulled into the driveway and continued my conversation without getting out of the car. I figured it was quiet in the car and would be loud in the house so I would just finish the call without going in. Pretty soon though the kids realized I was sitting out in the driveway and they started to come out to see what I was doing. They realized I was on the phone so they went back in. Bella and Ben kept coming out and asking me things and I would shoo them off to go back in. Soon though Bella decided she really needed my attention.

I looked up and out the window and Bella was standing there crying, "tears" running down her cheeks. I started to laugh and said, "Bella, please go inside."

"But Garrett stepped on my foot and hurt me!" she said.

I listened to her fake crying and looked at the bubbly spit she had put on her cheeks to make it look like tears and said, "Bella, please go in and wipe the spit off your face and I'll be inside in a moment."

Bella laughed and said, "Hey, how'd you know I wasn't really crying?"

The bubbles within the spit that were put in long lines down her face gave me the best clue. She told me that Garrett really did hurt her foot though. I told my friend I had to go and got out of the car.

Only Bella would think that her spit would pass as tears. Still, it got me out of the car and into the house. Clever for sure, sanitary... probably not.